Ultimatum
Posted: December 18, 2019, 6:17 PM


Posts: 1
Joined: December 18, 2019



In feb 2019 I found out my boyfriend of 18months had a cocaine addiction of 3 years but that it was only a social use when he went out drinking, he promised me he'd been clean for 9 months now but felt i need to know. I was very hurt as I felt I had been lied to for all of our relationship however I accepted he had never lied, just never told me anything about the situation.
Fast forward to September 2019 I found out he was still using again I was extremely angry because this time he had actually lied and to my face, on multiple occasions. He says he uses because he struggles with his mental health and its a form of escapism for him. I've tried to reiterate that drugs and alcohol is only making his mental health worse and I can see it. For months I have tired to get him to go to counselling and seek help but he won't. He won't even speak to me about his problems as he says I will leave him. he has had a constant fear of me leaving him since the day we got together.


This weekend I confronted him over the cocaine as deep down I knew from his behaviour he must still be using, he is. last time 3/4 weeks ago but he says he can't remember exactly when. He is finally seeking counselling for his mental health and starts in January as well as recently starting anti depressants. I'm hoping this helps but I'm scared that actually he doesn't want to stop using cocaine and that he won't because he does it with his friends and he's never going to stop hanging around with the people that he does cocaine with.



I think I should give him an ultimatum but am worried about the consequences of this.
We have been together 2 and a half years now and have planned a future together but I know that as much as I love him I can't live with him or have children with him if he's an addict. He has stated he is suicidal and that the only reason he is still here is because of me, I feel immense pressure from this comment and am in turmoil over what to do.

I want to say to him that I can't live with someone who uses cocaine because if its ever found in my house or connected to someone I live with it could seriously affect my job (which is true)
I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can so easily lie to me and lie to my face.
I also think his family should be brought in on the whole situation because he's not dealing with it and i'm struggling to deal with it because he won't help himself or take any advice from me

What should I do?
Wait until he's been to counselling and see if that helps his depression and mental health or give him an ultimatum now?
should I tell his family?

Any advice on the situation is greatly appreciated and I am sorry if this post is very scatty and doesn't make a lot of sense


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Posted: December 19, 2019, 12:29 PM


Posts: 19653
Joined: October 17, 2003



Ali12,

We are moving your post to Families/Partners of Addicts, a more active forum where there are others who have faced the same challenges as you.

- the moderators
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Posted: December 19, 2019, 1:22 PM


Posts: 51
Joined: December 17, 2019



Hi Ali12. Much of what you shared resonates. While my partner doesn’t struggle with cocaine abuse, he does with alcohol. And it has been a constant battle. Unlike you, there were red flags from the beginning. I of course chose to ignore them and gave my partner the benefit of the doubt. I don’t believe in giving people advice but sometimes we all need some encouragement and support. Whether you decide to invite his family in to the conversation is up to you, personally that hasn’t been helpful in my situation. In fact, his family all knows he’s struggled with addiction. When I found out about this from them about a year into our relationship I couldn’t believe how accepting of it they were. It was almost as if they were relieved that I was now going to take the burden of responsibility for his problems (I’m projecting of course) but that’s what it felt like. I still have a long way to go, to unravel myself from my own relationship and I’m no expert. What I will offer is this, take care of yourself and your needs first. I know it sounds strange, it’s not what we’re taught, seek out a support group like NAR-Anon, Al-Anon or CODA. Begin there to discover what is at the heart of your own needs during this time and see where that takes you. Sending you prayers of peace during this difficult time.

This post has been edited by Hopeful11 on December 19, 2019, 1:58 PM
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Posted: December 19, 2019, 10:45 PM


Posts: 79
Joined: November 10, 2019



My personal opinion is sometimes we have to give ourselves the ultimatum. For example... "Am I going to stay in this relationship (which is toxic) or am I going to get out of this unhealthy relationship and start living a healthy life".

Being married or having a partner who has an addiction is a JOB, it's not a mutually respectful and gratifying relationship. The dysfunction of it turns it into a parent/child relationship or warden/prisoner relationship. Both of these are highly disordered.

Also, you can't have any healthy relationship with someone you don't trust. If they lie about their addiction then what else are they lying about?

It's a horrible way to live and you don't want to look back at your life and say why did I stay?
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Posted: December 19, 2019, 10:57 PM


Posts: 246
Joined: December 23, 2018



Hi Ali, this is a great group for support & to vent. No ultimatums in my opinion. They don't work, he will LIE, LIE, LIE & turn the problem around to make it seem like YOU are the problem (or his boss, parents, friends, etc. but never himself). My son is a 45 year old meth addict. He has been addicted over 20 years. currently is sober (we think - one can NEVER know for sure). 1 wife divorced, 1 gf left him, 2 beautiful houses foreclosed, lost an excellent job that he had worked at 12+ years, wrecked numerous cars & trucks, most family members will not talk to him, even his addict friends won't talk to him. He lies, steals & has cost us a fortune because we have been classic enablers because we unfortunately won't turn our back on him.

You need to do what your gut, morals & head is telling you. Leave him, break off the relationship, engagement, etc. You can't be his friend - this is his journey. If he WANTS to get sober, he will. You cannot find rehabs, detox fac, meetings for him. And truthfully, he needs a year of sobriety & therapy before he can even THINK about being the man you need.

I know this is very harsh, but unfortunately our children & partners have ripped our hearts out so many times we (in this group) I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but addiction is horrible, brutal & painful. Relapse is always a fear. So if he is doing this to you now - fasten your seat belt because you have a bumpy road ahead. Read some of the other threads - very insightful parents & parents whose advice has helped immensely. Hang in there hon, it is not fun. You do not deserve to be treated this way. He's already shown you he doesn't care enough to be honest.... if you stay there, you've shown him that he can treat you anyway he wants & you will tolerate it.
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Posted: December 20, 2019, 2:55 AM


Posts: 218
Joined: December 21, 2018



Hello Ali

Sallyanna is right. Give yourself an ultimatum. He's not going to quit unless he wants to quit. Doing it for someone else usually doesn't work and he may even put on a show to appease you. You can't trust him. Cocaine being stimulant makes him a dangerous person to be around.

Worry about yourself.
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Posted: December 22, 2019, 12:40 PM


Posts: 1
Joined: December 18, 2019



Thank you everyone for your replies it has been really helpful and it feels so nice to be able to talk to people who are also in similar positions. It almost feels easier to open up when there is anonymity.


I have decided to bring his family into the situation but that it should be done after christmas as I don't want to "ruin Christmas" and have it be really awkward on christmas day when it is meant to be a happy time.

I have also decided an ultimate is the best because as Sallyana says I don't want to get to the stage of why did I stay and put myself through all of this. The mental health issues I can fully deal with and accept, it's the drug use that I can't. I'm tired of tiptoeing around and not saying how I feel out of fear that its' going to push him over the edge, I think should hard home truths may be what is needed here. I need to put myself first!

Since my first post my boyfriend has said he thinks he does have a problem with alcohol which I feel is probably a step in the right direction! I'm hoping if he starts to accept he has a problem with drink and drugs and that he starts counselling things will turn around, only time will tell but i need to have the strength to do what is best for me and not be fearful of leaving him because I love him too much
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Posted: January 19, 2020, 2:33 AM


Posts: 44
Joined: January 12, 2020



How are things going Ali?

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Posted: January 19, 2020, 12:20 PM


Posts: 358
Joined: November 16, 2017



Ali,

You answered your question in your post. You don't want someone who is using cocaine and lying to you. Please listen to this voice. I have been there and seen so many people move forward (against their better judgment and against that small voice that says STOP). They always regret it.

I don't advise staying while (if) he cleans up. If he comes around in a year or two, clean and on his way, he can contact you. You may have found a better match for YOU. You deserve to have someone who is there for you and not chasing drugs and alcohol. I fear you will have a life of heartbreak if you continue on this path.
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