The Holidays
Posted: December 14, 2019, 9:55 PM


Posts: 75
Joined: November 10, 2019



I used to always enjoy the Holiday Season....now I struggle through them and can't wait for it to be over. Its a certain kind of pain all its own. After they are over Im sure I'll improve. Right now, I feel pretty awful. Does anyone else struggle with the holidays?
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Posted: December 14, 2019, 10:07 PM


Posts: 243
Joined: December 23, 2018



Always, for several reasons (both my parents passed in Dec.) but mostly because no one cares if my husband or I have a happy day.... not one of my children called on Thanksgiving, only one of my grandkids called. Xmas is worse, my addict son has caused so many problems & missed so many holidays he was supposed to be at. He has had so many emotional breakdowns around Xmas - so I just expect everything to turn to sh** as it usually does & I feel lonely & empty. I'm 61 years old, when does it become the time that my children care about MY feelings or if I have a nice day? I'm with you SallyAnna, I gave up on "Happy Holidays" a long time ago.
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Posted: December 15, 2019, 12:29 PM


Posts: 67
Joined: June 14, 2012



You are not alone. IT IS special kind pain/grief.
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Posted: December 15, 2019, 12:32 PM


Posts: 1621
Joined: June 27, 2016



Same here. I wish I could fast forward from thanksgiving to Jan.1st. Fear of the unknown. Whats going to happen, holiday plans, visiting, gifts, relatives, cards, decorating.... it has always been a chore, time consuming, put it all up, take it all down.... we did it all when the kids were young. It was exhausting. When they were in their 20's we did a few holiday vacations. Colorado to ski.... Arizona to visit family. In recent years I procrastinate the decorating, then at the last minute throw up the tree. I have not done anything this year. hoping no one wants to.... I just want to coast thru with minimal effort. we are going to visit one daughter, with the other daughter, while son is at a shelter. sad. We might figure out a way to visit him on Christmas day. awkward, uncomfortable. Wish it wasn't like this, but its out of our control. make the best of it.
He has made progress in the system of finding possible work. on one hand that's positive. on the other hand, whos knows whats real. each step he takes has new complications. if he has a job, shelter living is harder to manage. etc. trying to find a room to rent, has other complications... hoping something works out... Once December is done, I can look forward to spring!

Last year at this time our son was in active addiction. At least we are out of that nightmare.

SallyAnna - my thoughts are with you and your daughter. That she has a safe holiday and new opportunities for next year.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on December 15, 2019, 1:19 PM
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Posted: December 16, 2019, 1:23 PM


Posts: 218
Joined: December 21, 2018



I think as we age or time goes on the holidays loose their true meaning and the become an obligation of sorts with unrealistic expectations. Also with all the forms and ease of communication a big get together or obligatory contact on the holidays is not as necessary.

Decades ago a big holiday celebration ment one was going to see people they hadn't contact with in any form maybe even for one year. But now even with cheap long distance phone service no need to get caught up. Add the internet, texting etc a get together is frequently more of the sos. Especially when alkies and addicts are involved.

Throw in the fact the holidays are over hyped and commercialized many realize they exactly that. They don't have high expectations. That's me. There's nothing special about them. Quite frankly by my late teens they became an obligation I couldn't wait to complete and get them over with. Too much other stuff going on. The holidays are and should be for the children at this point. Problem comes when people get stuck in or try to live a certain era over and over, they can't let go or move on.

This post has been edited by samegame on December 16, 2019, 1:24 PM
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Posted: December 17, 2019, 12:05 PM


Posts: 357
Joined: November 16, 2017



Same here. So many people in my family have died, they are just sad now. When my kids were little, it was easy to get excited for them, create a cool Christmas for them. Now that they are older, it is REALLY tough to get through. I try to find little projects or little things to focus on. Let's be honest, I usually feel pretty steamrolled through the holidays.

I am ready to do something DIFFERENT. Like, just take off somewhere warm through the holiday season.

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Posted: December 18, 2019, 9:05 PM


Posts: 243
Joined: December 23, 2018



me too everyone! We always supported our sons & we were always happy that the 3 of them would get together without us. But then 2 or 3 years ago that they would get together & talk about what horrible parents we were & the things we did to hurt THEM!!! I just avoid the holidays now.... :(
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Posted: December 19, 2019, 1:59 AM


Posts: 75
Joined: November 10, 2019



Sorry mtnmom....sometimes our families don't make any sense. My mother ostracized me from my brothers, aunts, uncles, cousin and my oldest daughter. They all spent Thanksgiving together and I wasn't invited (again). How she can fool so many people is beyond me....plus she has money and they are all greedy. I'd rather be me and poor
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Posted: December 19, 2019, 11:10 PM


Posts: 243
Joined: December 23, 2018



SallyAnna - I have a brother & his wife and an aunt who ostracized me & my family from every single birthday, holiday & vacation for almost all of my marriage. I don't understand why a brother could do that to his only sister, but he did. I've moved on, but I choose NOT to celebrate any more. I always tell my kids if something keeps happening over & over, ask yourself what is the common denominator? Well, I'M the common denominator so apparently I've said something, done something but no one has the balls to tell me what that something is....
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Posted: December 19, 2019, 11:32 PM


Posts: 75
Joined: November 10, 2019



My mother is a malignant narcissist. The worst of the worst...
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Posted: December 20, 2019, 10:32 AM


Posts: 243
Joined: December 23, 2018



Sallyanna - sometimes we have to create a distance between toxic family members, regardless of who they are. This year we will not be with family on any holidays - Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years. We have chosen to be with the family we choose (our dear friends who do not have family near). Way more relaxing. (((hugs)))) Narcissists are truly awful - blame, blame, blame & causing endless drama for everyone around.....
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Posted: December 20, 2019, 11:38 AM


Posts: 51
Joined: December 17, 2019



Agreed Sallyanna, sometimes the best gift we can give ourselves and others is space. Learning to detach with love is a practice but one that is worthwhile. Truth be told, I can’t wait until the holidays are over.
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Posted: December 20, 2019, 8:09 PM


Posts: 75
Joined: November 10, 2019



Yes, I've gone 'no contact' to protect myself from my mother and her 'flying monkeys'. My dear father would turn over in his grave if he knew what she was doing. My really good friends are my family now along with my dear youngest daughter who has the addiction and is now homeless. Thanks for all your posts!!! You are all dear!!!
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