Wife And Cocaine
Posted: October 15, 2019, 7:11 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



My wife and I have been married for 5 years. She is a recovering addict that has been clean for about 6 years. I bought her a restaurant that she has always wanted 3 months ago, she spent two months rehabbing it and open the last month. About two months ago I noticed a change in her. She was staying at the bar late, hanging out with a new crowd and becoming very distant. I was thinking affair and started searching for evidence. I found a text from a friend that was asking her where she got her coke. I confronted her but she said she slipped once and used only once. As she was becoming more and more distant I started feeling insecure and looking for reassurance from her which drove her further and further away. And all the while she was staying out till sometimes 7 in the morning and when I would ask her she would tell me that I am crazy and jealous. And it was a repeating cycle. Then last week when I was coming home from a business trip she called me devastated and told me that her hair had fallen out over night. Sure enough I would say that she was 80 percent bald. I became more and more concerned and she withdrew more and more. Friday she told me that she was leaving me and either I leave the house or she does. I chose to leave and she has only sent a few text asking me to let her know before I come home to get my things so she can leave. Two questions



1. Does this sound like a cocaine addiction?

2. Do you think she will come back to me? And if so what should I expect?
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Posted: October 16, 2019, 7:55 AM


Posts: 19568
Joined: October 17, 2003



Chicagopilot,

Thank you for sharing.

We are moving your post to Familes/Partners of Addicts, where there are others who have similar struggles with people they love.

- The Moderators
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Posted: October 16, 2019, 11:01 AM


Posts: 184
Joined: December 21, 2018



As the mods said your story is similar.

Sadly it sounds like she's dabbling or bingeing if not using daily. My experience with alkies and addicts says that hanging out in a bar atmosphere is not a good sign because that setting attracts too many users and dealers. Also being around alcohol could be too tempting for even an ex addict.There are restaurants that don't tolerate it but until they see it ie a customer or employee with drugs they can't do anything.

Here the alkies current friends/peer group is a huge part of his problem. They validate his behavior and/or offer up what ever. They have their own culture/sub culture. Also long term stimulant use does have side effects so I'm not sure what hair falling out is.

And last but not least until an addict really really wants to quit on their own there's a chance they'll relapse or use rehab as a timeout. Adult addicts are tough because many have been doing what ever for a while so their routine and friends become just as hard to quit as the chemical.

Take care of yourself and don't force the issue of addiction or going to rehab because they'll consider that a lecture and turn you off. Don't enable with money no matter how desperate they seem. Even seemingly innocent rides to where ever are enabling.

Good Luck.
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Posted: October 16, 2019, 10:31 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Chicagopilot so heartbreaking to read your post. This must be so painful for you, so sorry. I personally would hire a P.I. to see if there is someone else. Not sure however I think there might be. They usually find out pretty quickly if there is. I think you should know because you don't want to waste your time, happiness, and life on someone who is unfaithful.

I also think she may have relapsed. She's resorted back to her 'using lifestyle' and unfortunately that lifestyle does not include you. She's married to her addiction and trying to have a meaningful and mutual marriage with an addiction in the picture is slim. You will feel so neglected and hurt because she is being so selfish. Its really abusive.

Its important to not deny what you know to be true (once you find out). This is vital because we can start to rationalize their behavior or minimize it and you don't want to do either. Stay true to yourself and take good care of yourself. Have a strong self respect. She is not respectful to you. Healthy love does not hurt.
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Posted: October 16, 2019, 10:53 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Sally Anne, you are correct. I feel like there is even more going on, I love her more than anything and want to find a way to make it work. I have personally never been around drugs or addicts so I really don’t know what to do. I am a good man and have been an amazing husband to her but it seems to not even matter, she can’t give me anything of what I need and I am so hurt by that.
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Posted: October 16, 2019, 11:04 PM


Posts: 1585
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi - So sorry this is happening to you. It is disappointing when someone relapses.

Link to hair loss: https://www.hishairclinic.com/cocain...-and-hair-loss/

It is pretty complicated that you purchased a restaurant and she is living in your house. First - Get all of your financial ducks in a row. Close all accounts - bank and credit cards - that are joint. maybe leave one open if you need to.

See a Financial Adviser or Financial Lawyer that specializes in couples separating or divorce. Addiction can drain your savings in a matter of months, faster than you can imagine.

Keep notes about balances on credit cards, bank accounts, date you moved out, etc..

** do try to remove valuables from the house - especially things that are yours - pre marital - remove anything you think she will sell. Also remove all of your financial and personal papers.

Do not announce what you are taking - simply say you want to stop by to get some things, clothes, tools, etc...

Cut back or stop paying things for the house and restaurant that you don't have to pay. It will be pretty quick that your wife will not be able to keep up the bills.

you don't say if you have children. together

Maybe she will turn this around, but you need to protect yourself from a drain in finances while waiting to see what your wife decides to do.

See if there is a counselor you can see who specializes in addction and helping the family/spouse. you may find this type of counselor at a local recovery center. Make a few appointments - it helps to be able to vent or talk out a current issue once a week.

You can go to NA meetings - at least to initially be able to talk to others and hear other's stories. Smart Recovery.org is a website for addiction, but also has information for friends and family.

It sounds like she has relapsed. sounds like the restaurant and bar, gave her the opportunity to be in the wrong place for her sobriety. meet the wrong people. (I have heard there can be drug use in the restaurant business)

maybe she is embarrassed by her actions and therefore does not want to see you. she does not want you to ask her questions or have to answer your questions, that is why she does not want you around.


PS - when your mind is going down the logical path, trying to figure out what went wrong, Stop. Addiction is not logical, not ever. When you really need answers search topics on YouTube.

Hope this helps!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 16, 2019, 11:11 PM

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Posted: October 16, 2019, 11:47 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Nytoflorida. All great advice. I have taken the valuables and put them in my dads safe. She has access to all the accounts for now but I am close to cutting her off from anything. So far no unusual amounts of money have gone missing, but she is a very attractive woman and she knows how to play that to get what she wants.
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Posted: October 17, 2019, 12:02 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Chicagopilot addiction is like a parasite. It takes over and destroys. Lies and manipulation are part of it too. I know you love her and that is what makes it so hard. You care about her too. Sadly, a married person with an addiction often leads a secret life, a double life. It sounds like she did very well for a long time and she could do it again only if SHE wants to. Right now it sounds like she doesnt.



This post has been edited by Sallyanna on October 17, 2019, 2:14 AM
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Posted: October 17, 2019, 10:41 AM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Sally,
You are correct. Now that I take a step back it is amazing all of the things that I missed, so many signs and signals that were there and they got by me, I feel like I failed to protect her and failed her as her husband. I know what I have to do but it is just so hard to actually do it.
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Posted: October 17, 2019, 9:37 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Chicagopilot, it's hard to protect people from themselves...especially those with addictions. In a relationship it becomes a parent-child relationship. It's very dysfunctional..with addiction it becomes toxic. You can encourage getting help (ie. detox, rehab) however if they are not interested then nothing changes It just gets worse and more dysfunctional. You really don't want to be a part of this picture. If you do, then you become part of the dysfunction. It's not a good life and it's totally unhealthy.
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Posted: October 18, 2019, 1:26 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



Sally,
You are correct that it is unhealthy. In August I weighed 205lbs today when I got on a scale I was surprised to find that I am 167lbs. A month ago I thought I was having a heart attack, got in the ambulance and they said I was fine, turns out it was a panic attack, I have never experienced anything like that ever before. Scariest thing of my life.
Now I am sleeping on a friends couch while her and god knows who else are in my beautiful large house. I have provided very well for her and have gotten her anything that she has needed. To say I feel betrayed and lost right now would be an understatement.
I have had to take a leave of absence from work as I could not safely do my job as a pilot with all of these things on my mind.
I also notice that I am drinking much more than I should be, it seems to be the only thing that numbs the pain right now.
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Posted: October 18, 2019, 4:03 PM


Posts: 184
Joined: December 21, 2018



Chicago I wouldn't feel betrayed other than her abusing your relationship with you. It's not betrayal but what addicts do, some being very selfish.

Cocaine or most other drugs didn't manufacture the addicts behavior or the thoughts & urges already in their head. They tend to lower impulse control of urges and thoughts already running through their mind. Apologies but sounds like she was a party person before she met you and will be one for the foreseeable future. If one really thinks about their earlier more sober behavior there were probably signs she was probably party type person. I wouldn't blame yourself, she exploited your generosity. That's what addicts do. Money, favors and/or loyalty are nothing but a borrowed pencil or cup of sugar to them. How many people return them
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Posted: October 18, 2019, 9:48 PM


Posts: 1585
Joined: June 27, 2016



Chicago - It is understandable to feel betrayed and sad and angry. The life you thought you were building is suddenly gone. I know several men who have gone thru divorce who drank more than usual for some many months. Very sorry to hear you had to take a leave from work, but also I give you a hug for knowing you can not put the lives of others in danger if you are not able to focus while at work. I hope you can get back to work soon and that this blip does not effect your job security. It is VERY hard to focus while your home life is suddenly turned upside down.

I also had lost weight earlier this year. (you can read my Crisis Update post) my son has been out of the house for 6 months, I have gained the 20 lbs back that I lost. I am on the thin side and didn't have any extra pounds to loose!

Maybe counseling can help you to vent and have someone to talk out the situation with.

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Posted: October 18, 2019, 11:23 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Really helpful posts here. I think too, often we forget or are unaware how badly addiction affects loved ones. Its the collateral damage. It takes an emotional and physical toll. It affects finances and work. It affects our well being over all. We love and care about the adult child or spouse and to what 'personal cost'? As a parent, I feel horrible for even thinking of myself while my daughter is self destructing and homeless. Its a dichotomy because at the same time I know I must take care of myself because she'll take me down with her. Its something I struggle with. Its a very unnatural feeling yet cognitively I know it's right. Its hard to articulate how awful this feels.
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Posted: October 19, 2019, 1:24 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



I am on day 9 now if not being at home. She text me occasionally and seems like she is making an effort in reaching out.
I have been watching the court records and she has not filed for divorce yet, also her friends seem to not have any idea that her and I have separated.
I am not sure where this is all headed. She keeps telling me that she needs time and space to straighten things out and figure out what she wants. She does tell me that I can come back to the house and she will go stay at her parents. She is saying she is not doing cocaine, but I just can’t believe that. All of the security cameras and system at home have been disconnected so I can not see when she is coming and going.
I am driving myself crazy trying to figure all this out. I love this woman more than anything in the world.
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Posted: October 19, 2019, 2:30 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Well, she is hiding something because the cameras are now disconnected. I don't think I'd let her run the show. I would move back to 'my house' and tell her she's welcome to stay or go. If she wants to stay, then tell her you need to know the truth of what's going on...you have the right to know. You need to know so you can make decisions for you life. I personally think you're being overly accommodating. If she doesn't know what she wants, she can go and live with her parents to decide. I doubt they would put up with her shenanigans. Don't reward bad behavior.
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Posted: October 19, 2019, 3:34 PM


Posts: 21
Joined: October 15, 2019



The only problem with being in the same house as her is that in the past she has threatened to make up a fake domestic abuse allegation.
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Posted: October 19, 2019, 3:47 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Oh WOW! And you love her more than anything in the world??? She's mean and you can't trust her....
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Posted: October 19, 2019, 10:31 PM


Posts: 1585
Joined: June 27, 2016



If she is offering to go to her parents and let you live in the house, take her up on that offer. Change the locks. You can’t stay on your friends couch for more than a few weeks. Pros -
If you are at the house you will have less resentment and not drive yourself crazy wondering what’s going on there. You will feel better. About your situation, have all of your stuff where you need it, may be better enough emotionally to go back to work sooner. Have a better daily routine for your self. Better that you move back to the house before she decides to get a restraining order . If she does it could be years before you have your home back or see any of your stuff.

Cons - you may be reminded of her constantly.



This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 19, 2019, 10:34 PM
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Posted: October 20, 2019, 11:54 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Chicagopilot I hope you will take a break from her drama and really reflect on this marriage. Life is hard enough. No one needs or deserves abuse or drama. There is no excuse for her behavior and mistreatment of you. It doesn't matter if she's a cocaine addict or not. It doesn't matter if she's pretty or not. Everyone needs personal boundaries, what we will and will not tolerate in life from other people. You sound like a young man with a good career. You don't deserve this...no one does.
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