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Posted: April 13, 2019, 5:47 PM
The alkie here thinks people owe him. He did them a favor by doing what ever for them now you owe him. He has an unwieldy sense of entitlement. He tries the same thing with old business acquaintances simply because he chose them as a vendor, contractor or customer. Those dealings were part of the normal course of business, nothing special but they 'owe' him. He wants to collect a favor from a guy he last did business with almost 15 years ago.
He also feels he missed out constantly comparing what he had or has to his richer friends. When it comes to money he's like a child outside looking into his desired club(rich people). His financial reality leads to disappointment which he and numerous other alkies and addicts cannot handle. They lack the ability to cope with the daily outcomes which are exactly that, just another day for the sober who move on and get over it. Age old lesson, it's not about failure but how you get up and try again. That is THE test and not a high degree of success. This post has been edited by samegame on April 13, 2019, 5:50 PM | ||
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Posted: April 13, 2019, 8:07 PM
Samegame he seems very superficial to me. He is more concerned about image, status, and wealth than what's really important and genuine in life like integrity, kindness, honesty, responsibility, caring and all the other virtues. Status and money are fleeting, yet he clings to it. I'm not sure but I would guess he feels empty inside and is not a truly happy person.
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Posted: April 16, 2019, 3:37 PM
He could very well feel empty inside but he also feels entitled to favors, not just because he feels you 'owe' him but because he is him.
After a dwi he conned a parent into letting him put his car in their name along with the insurance because it was too expensive for him. This as a 50 year old. We tried to educate the parent and begged them not to do it but they fell into the trap age and time would cure the addict. But he'll 'ask' for favors like that like it's a cup of sugar or pencil. Part of the issue was the lack of boundaries and other was a fear that they didn't want to pressure or trigger their alkie son by saying no. He continued to get mail there through out the years AND wanted them to take it to him on more than one occasion. He pulls the family card although it's supposed to be a two way street. It's that unwieldy sense of entitlement. He'll do the samething for rides to and from a bar and other recreational activities. Some how and I don't even want to know the how but he had a buddy loan him a second car for a year until he got his own. But it's the gall or lack of pride & conscience that one would even say yes to that kind of favor let alone ask for it. Sidenote the buddy is an alkie too. But again it's that unwieldy sense of entitlement This post has been edited by samegame on April 16, 2019, 5:29 PM | ||
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Posted: April 16, 2019, 8:07 PM
I think he acts that way because he can. It works for him so human nature says if this works I'll keep doing it. Basically he's being rewarded for bad behavior. He's surrounded by serious enablers obviously and other addicts. If people would stop enabling him he wouldn't act so entitled. He would have to fend for himself and MAYBE grow up. It's classic codependency.
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Posted: April 16, 2019, 9:11 PM
Sallyanna you flat out get it and see right through him like your are here. I appreciate your comments and time spent on mine and other's posts.
I agree. The biggest enabler and probably co dependent is now out of the picture. The problem is he got away with things for so long it's natural to him. And when he doesn't get his way is exactly when the tantrums start. The problem is the big enabler has been replaced by a validator. The most senior family still really don't challenge him. The don't give him as much but they definitely validate his behavior including excessive alcohol consumption and pricey lifestyle choices. This is why his circle of friends frequently changes because they moved on and don't care or want his routine/life style anymore. With the big enabler out of the picture he's just realizing his financial back up plan which he used as a primary is gone. He simply won't give up his lifestyle. It will also put him in scammer mode. For some reason wether it be legal or illegal sedation he has gone of out of his way to control his temper, this drastic change in less than a month is what worries me for my financial and physical well being among other things. But yes the enabling and codependency festered issues and validated his choices. We begged the biggest enabler not only to challenge him on money issues but boundaries as well. They had just made progress with the money issues over the last year but not having boundaries even ticks his enabling lady friend. But this is an adult who has to realize he has to work on his behavior as much as others have to go out of their way to avoid or not fuel his. This post has been edited by samegame on April 16, 2019, 9:14 PM | ||
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 12:56 AM
Samegame I appreciate your comments and posts too. Its amazing to me how he's been able to skate through life being so irresponsible. It also amazes me how people around him have participated in his dysfunction. I'm just hoping your not his child because this must be painful to watch having a front row seat. I know you see the truth even though others dont. As long as you know what's true that's all that matters. You're the healthy one.
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 1:11 AM
One of the problems is that some of the people around him or he sought be around were management from his jobs and recreational organizations. These people in a position of authority were doing the crap he is currently doing. If a younger person sees a manager do something even if illegal it helps validate their behavior or preferences. Throw in the usual peer group and current trends his lifestyle choices faced little to no competition. It's always been about what he can get away with.
And I cannot repeat this enough. Age and time will not cure an alkie or addict. The more an addict or alkie do something the longer it will take to even convince them they need to change. Time entrenches and validates their life, it doesn't cure it or make it better. Parents, grand parents, aunts and uncles especially fall prey to this thinking partly because of a generational gap and not me/not our family syndrome. Even adhering to simple boundaries help but can't let a alkie or addict run amok hoping something or someone else to cure them. This post has been edited by samegame on April 17, 2019, 1:12 AM | ||
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 8:16 AM
As someone posted in another topic, I think it was P2, addiction is complex. Many factors are involved and it's complicated. He's in denial and he's no where near even thinking about sobriey.
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 10:22 AM
Addiction is indeed complex but many of the dos and don'ts work like not enabling, boundaries and detaching. And the group most difficult to convince of this is family. The addiction might not be their fault but at certain point they perpetuate it.
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Posted: April 17, 2019, 10:04 PM
Yes, I have really been talking to people about these issues this week, for some reason. A recent overdose and some work meetings, I guess.
Let's face it, no one knows what the heck to do when addiction starts. It is...there is not even a word to convey the panic, desperation, horror, shock that a parent feels when this begins. Clawing to stop it. And, like you all helped me realize, when I landed here---NOTHING seems to help. So weird, but so true. it is like some loooong, unfolding tragedy.... And, even when we learn about enabling and try to set boundaries and do healthy, "right" things, it can help us but usually not the one we love. They have to want it and that lightbulb moment or lightbulb string of moments seems to be a mystery. I guess everyone has a path. That's all that makes sense to me. I remember when I was 18 or 19, I was so wild and crazy. I should be dead at least five times over from the things we did. And, about that time, a girl almost exactly my age was killed on a motorcycle. She was on the back of the motorcycle and they both were drunk. I remember my Mom pointing it out, and at the time, I thought it had nothing to do with me, as that certainly would never happen to me. I have no idea why I thought this because this girl and me were identical in our phase of life. I grew out of my craziness pretty soon after I turned 20. I often think of that girl. And, you know, why her and why not me? It is a mystery and I know it is unhealthy to ask "why" as there is no answer. In a way, she was me/I was her-- and she died that day and for some reason I kept going and straightened out. No reason, no answers. I hope to someday understand when I die and I ask whatever Being is out there. I guess I share that story, because why some people grow out of substance abuse, and why some get stuck, and why some get SO stuck that they lose everything or they die from it.....Complex. And heartbreaking. I know they are doing a lot with brain scans of addicts. I hope that in the future we understand this issue better and have better treatment options. Wow, that was rambling! Guess I am feeling introspective tonight. : ) On a positive note, staying in the now and trying to appreciate the moment has really helped me. Just really trying to notice little beautiful things or appreciate tiny happy times. The Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the I can and the wisdom to know the difference! | ||
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Posted: April 18, 2019, 8:19 PM
Really great post P2. I can relate to every point you made. Addiction is a long drawn out tragedy....Its hard not knowing what to do not only in the beginning but even years into it. Yes, some will reach sobriety and others will not. I don't enable my daughter and although it's helped me keep some of my sanity her addiction is still going strong sadly. She had brief periods after detox and rehabs otherwise it's still there. So, so sad.
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Posted: April 19, 2019, 9:25 PM
P2 - I would like to share a story related to your post. A few yrs ago a friend of a friend lost her son. He was about 23 yrs old. Had just graduated from a State Trooper academy. He was newly married. And had just bought a house a few miles away from his parent. It was an early spring day, first warm weekend. he and his brother took out their motorcycles, went to work on the house. when they were done and going back to parents house, he had an accident with the motorcycle.
my son has had several accidents in cars. each time he says he wishes he died. why the other woman's son who had so much in life going for him and brought joy to the people around him. why not my son. | ||
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Posted: April 20, 2019, 2:34 PM
Addiction brings us to such deep and dark thoughts and struggles, to places in our minds that others only read about.
Other struggles that could compare is being dx with terminal illness or sudden tradgedy or child w a disability and so on. I don’t feel resentful bc others are stricken w equally difficult hardships. Maybe that is why some of us get stuck in the trap of enabling, where the line of normal vs not normal get blurry. Bc we are trained to tack care of our family in times of need. Our perception of ‘need’ becomes distorted This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 20, 2019, 3:01 PM | ||
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Posted: April 20, 2019, 4:07 PM
I think too the treatment of addiction and how to approach it is in need of many resources including research, money, standards of care, treatment protocols, accreditations at all levels including sober living. If we knew, as a society, as much about addiction as we do heart disease (for example) we would be able to help manage it more effectively and affordable help would be available. There would be much less stigma and more effective resources. Shame plays a big role for a person with an addiction. I hope we can give it the time and resources it needs to help people and their families. Its a hugh health crisis and it deserves all the resources possible and more.
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