Do You Look At Families Of Addicts Differently?
Posted: March 26, 2019, 6:22 PM

Posts: 178
Joined: December 21, 2018

WARNING-Long ventish observation.

Since I've been dealing with a family member with drug and alcohol issues I find myself looking at other families with adult addict or alkie children differently now. I find myself analyzing and profiling them.

One family they have an adult child who has been high or drunk their entire adult life for around 3 decades. They had another adult child who had drug and alcohol issues until about 30. Anyway I've had opportunity to not only to get to know the parents better but have had reason to deal with them much more regularity. Hate to say it but it's much easier to see why those children might have started on drugs and alcohol well into their adult years. I noticed the parents starting drinking well just about anytime past noon, not the evening cocktail one was always led to believe they had.

The reason I bring them up is knowing their adult child has alcohol issues they not only facilitate and enable drinking they basically encourage it and serve them. If I had an adult child with a drinking problem I would in no way tolerate drinking in my presence. Their excuse is they're an adult and can make their own decisions.

Problem is their personalities and way of life was/is extremely stringent. They were doing soccer mom before soccer mom became an accept title. They had those kids scheduled for something 24/7. They are also hardliners on most issues, no gray areas or middle. You spell everything out for them. And they drank/drink. They get upset with you if won't drink if you just stop by. And dealing with them on some specific issues-uh oh, very picky fussy etc.

To top it off several years I found out they were doing volunteer work doing a job in a place where one wouldn't go to volunteer. It's a job given to someone frequently doing public service for something like you guessed it-a dui-should note the public service or 'volunteer work' started right after I found out they got a new car-hmmm. And one spouse said they were there to support and help the other.

Besides the alcoholic adult child another refused to see them for several years, no more than a phone call. And no grand kids. Not one of their children had kids that we know of which is another sore spot. They're not the Jone's.

That being said if they call I will be there for them because with all the other stuff they never seem to forget about you ie never miss a holiday, birthday or big event etc. If you ask for help they come.

If nothing else they have helped me understand and/or validate all the issues, analysis, causes and possible solutions regarding long or hardcore addiction.

Last but not least do you find yourself looking at people differently since your realized or accepted the fact someone in your family or close to you is a hardcore addict or alcoholic?

This post has been edited by samegame on March 26, 2019, 6:28 PM
Posted: March 26, 2019, 8:33 PM

Posts: 452
Joined: November 9, 2018

For me, samegame, after my experiences with my daughter, I have empathy for families with young or adult children with addictions. Before my daughter's addiction, I think I blamed the parents for their child's addiction and problems. Now I feel differently. It's something which can happen to any family, it doesn't discriminate. Its very unfortunate and sad. I feel empathy for the person with the addiction too. Its hard to watch my beautiful daughter destroy herself over and over again. I pray for her and all people with addictions and their families.
Posted: March 26, 2019, 8:59 PM

Posts: 122
Joined: December 30, 2018

Same game no I don't look at them differently now, before my sons addiction, yes I did, I thought it was just a case of saying no, but after educating and research, it's a lot deeper than that, I went to watch a movie not to long ago, (Ben is back) Julia Roberts in it, it was a full house and I wondered then how many in here have a family member touched by this horrible disease, I actually feel sorry for all who is affected by it, nobody is immune to it, I never in a month of Sunday's did I think one of my boys would of ended up like this
Posted: March 27, 2019, 4:28 PM

Posts: 178
Joined: December 21, 2018

What I also could have said experiencing/observing addiction/alcoholism helps explain alot. It might not give an solution to a family's situation but it sure does explain alot and made me much more aware.

Some might call it judging but trying to figure out the addicted and ways to counter their behaviors to protect oneself has made me an amateur profiler. And more importantly be much more honest about myself and others. There are winners and losers. Some I used to look up to no longer get automatic courtesy of title or rank in family. Others I frowned upon seeing how much they've gone through and how they behave has impressed me. Can't judge all books by a cover.

This post has been edited by samegame on March 27, 2019, 4:30 PM
Posted: March 29, 2019, 8:04 AM

Posts: 315
Joined: November 16, 2017

It is a complex issue. I have seen children (my mom included) who stayed away from drugs/alcohol totally because of watching addicted relatives. In my mental health support group, I would say there is no substance abuse among the parents. But, an awareness that their son or daughter struggled with Just living early on in life. And, of course, there are instances of generational patterns of substance abuse. But, even in families, you have such a mix of substance use patterns. Genetics, learned behavior, underlying mental health issues, traumatic life events, personality, coping styles....It is a complex issue.
Posted: March 29, 2019, 11:38 AM

Posts: 178
Joined: December 21, 2018

Parenting2 it is a combination of things. Exactly

Like most the perfect storm or combination of events, experiences and circumstance probably help drive addiction. The only thing that still puzzles me to this day is the serving of alcohol by parents who know their adult children had/have drug or alcohol issues. If they are still getting drunk and/or guzzling alcohol and I think it's time to stop serving at family gatherings anyway. Makes me wonder about their alcohol/drug use. It's one thing to view someone as an adult, their choice do what they want etc but it is their home their rules, a good setting for boundaries.

But as I started out it helps explain alot of things with that family and others.
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