Guy From Rehab Texting My Wife
Posted: March 5, 2019, 1:31 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



Hello All
I am new to this all and to this board.
My wife is currently in outpatient rehab for Pills. She is a nurse and has to complete rehab and attend meetings.
Recently she started talking about this guy at rehab who reminds her of her cousin and also knows her cousin that recently was in rehab also. Wasn't a big deal until he texted her a few weeks ago and she lied about how he got her number. Apparently in her group therapy they all exchanged number and he wasnt there that day so he asked for her number and had he put it in his phone.
But her story originally was that they had all exchanged numbers but she didnt take anyones because she didnt want to involve herself with anyone from rehab in that regard. She never said anything about anyone having her number, including a nurse that was in her group and she never got her number which would make the most sense to me. Fast Forward a few weeks later when he texts her again. Now...she did tell me he texted this time and it kinda made me sick and angry. He asked her about what the difference between and open and closed NA meeting and then asked her to go to a meeting with him.
My question is...is this a normal thing..should i be worried? SOMEONE help me understand this. Our lives are so screwed up right now since i was blindsided by the drug use which i knew nothing about. She lost her job..and she made all of the money more or less and now things are really raw and resentful on my part. Should I worry?
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Posted: March 5, 2019, 4:52 PM


Posts: 229
Joined: November 16, 2017



The man is being inappropriate.

In AA & NA, same sex sponsors are recommended. Given that people are trying to get healthy, women should be talking to women and men talk to men about support or information.

Your wife should be willing to tell this guy to find a man to seek info and support from.
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Posted: March 5, 2019, 5:12 PM


Posts: 229
Joined: November 16, 2017



I should add that I am not saying anything inappropriate is going on-I have no way of knowing. And, the man may have innocent intent.

I just made my comment as an objective way to approach the matter. It really is a standard in recovery.
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Posted: March 5, 2019, 5:29 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



This wasn't at a NA or AA meeting. This was at her Rehab group therapy. She has only gotten numbers from women at NA meetings. And he is the only one that has contacted her from group. The fact is that she is married should matter. And it's not like what he is looking for as far as information isn't online...right??
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Posted: March 5, 2019, 6:12 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



I get that. But the fact that she lied about him and having his number has set off alarms. Trying to rebuild trust after all that has happen and then lie about why someone has your number???
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Posted: March 5, 2019, 6:18 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



Just tell me what boundaries are acceptable...anyone? Someone...please. I'm desperate for a outside perspective.
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Posted: March 5, 2019, 8:17 PM


Posts: 154
Joined: July 6, 2018



He shouldn't be texting your wife. She probably feels flattered by his attention. She may think she is helping him since he reminds her of a cousin.
Her emotion are all over the place right now. She shouldn't be contacting this man.
I don't know how you are going to be able to make her see that.
Get your self some therapy too,Al anon or something. This is rough. Good luck.
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Posted: March 5, 2019, 10:31 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



I just wanted to see if anyone else had any insight into this. I'm not saying it is her texting him to begin with. But she is reciprocating.
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 12:35 AM


Posts: 211
Joined: November 9, 2018



IMO the foundation of a good relationship is trust. She already hid her addiction from you (big red flag) and then she initially lied about her phone number. Now she's texting him back which is inappropriate (and she knows it) and she keeps doing it anyway.....Its not rocket science, sorry to say.
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 10:03 AM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



She is convinced it is innocent. And I am skeptical. But because i was blindsided by her addiction and the lying and withholding of what was going on I am not sure what to believe. Have any spouses had to deal with this? I was under the impression that men had to get mens numbers only and vice versa.I don't want to read too much into it. If she is just trying to help him with this recovery than I have to be ok with it right? Where are the lines that shouldnt be crossed. I mean i am having a hard enough time trusting her completely right now...Let alone other guys that have been stripped of their vices.
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 12:22 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



Are there any spouses on here with first hand knowledge of this kind of thing?? Someone who has had to deal with being unsure about trusting not only a spouse but other people who share her addiction? Or her bond with other people in her rehab?
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 6:35 PM


Posts: 229
Joined: November 16, 2017



You don't have to accept it. I was trying to say in my last post that it is crossing a boundary. Even if it is innocent, it is crossing a boundary. You have a right to ask her to stop.
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 8:03 PM


Posts: 78
Joined: December 23, 2018



I agree with the other comments here, could be totally innocent but it is causing you suspicion & distrust, not what should be happening in any relationship but especially in recovery when both of you should be working to rebuild. She needs to listen to your feelings & concerns too. Neither partner should be doing anything to cause the other shame, suspicion or pain.... if it bothers you, it needs to be address. Your feelings are real too.

Good luck, I hope this is just a little miscommunication bump in the road to recovery
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 8:51 PM


Posts: 211
Joined: November 9, 2018



Jonn you have to have healthy boundaries in life and your wife is crossing boundaries. We have all basically told you the same thing yet you still want to keep asking the same question to a spouse? We are spouses or have been spouses and what your wife is choosing to do is wrong and it's disrespectful to you. Follow your gut, if it doesn't feel right 99.9% of the time it isnt.
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 9:14 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: March 5, 2019



Thanks Guys. Today she told me that he not only texted her but also texted other people from group to go to the meeting. So i am hoping that was the case and it wasn't just a way to keep me cool about the situation. I apologize for sounding desperate. This is all just such a mess and I am having trouble trusting what she says is the truth. I guess time will tell. Just going to keep a eye open.
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 9:32 PM


Posts: 211
Joined: November 9, 2018



Jonn I was married for 25 years and found out my husband had a secret life the whole time we were married. I had feelings I chose to not investigate here and there. Please keep both eyes open....sometimes people are not who they seem. I'm not saying this is your wife however just be aware. Wish you all the best.
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 10:19 PM


Posts: 229
Joined: November 16, 2017



We totally understand, Jon. Addiction does horrible things to families. We all understand that desperation and the position you are in. Keep sharing and keep posting!
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Posted: March 6, 2019, 10:25 PM


Posts: 1368
Joined: June 27, 2016



Jon, here's my 2 cents:
1. I do not have first hand knowledge
2. some people bond at rehab. my son 29 yrs old, last summer, at rehab bonded w a few women. 2 out of 3 moved away. the one older woman was married, I think her husband went to meetings with her some times. ** my son went to meetings with her almost every evening for 1 to 2 months, she invited him to her son's baseball games. It was a way to keep them both busy and connected to support and going to meetings. then my son started going to different meethings than she was and he relapsed after 3 months.
** My son did date from the pool of women at meetings. I have heard that people should not be dating until they are sober for a year bc their emotions are so messed up and they need time to work on themselves.
*** at some meetings only men wrote their phone numbers down for my son to have.
3. I have read young women have said the young men at AA and NA are there to pick up women. the women have to be careful to find meetings that are good for them and avoid the men.
4. It is often a rough patch in a marriage when one is going to NA or AA. things become different. she was functioning on pain meds. Now she is sober and has no job. There's a lot of emotion there. pain meds mask the negative emotions. she has to learn how to deal with what is happening while being sober.
5. I suggest you go to NarAnon meetings - see if you can find one that fits for you.
sometimes they are hard to find. look on line and call a local rehab or recovery center or hospital. see if the recovery center or hospital offers counseling to family members
6. we do not know what your wife's intentions are. go for counseling with your wife. plan for the best turn around and also plan for the worst. try to get on the same page with your wife so you both feel you are doing this together.
I think you say she had the larger or only paycheck? maybe that is a pressure for her. I'm sure she feels awful for loosing her job, there's self blame and guilt. maybe you need to share the financial responsibility more equally, if that is possible.

just my suggestions. hope it helps!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 6, 2019, 10:34 PM
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Posted: March 7, 2019, 7:17 AM


Posts: 211
Joined: November 9, 2018



I think to find out your spouse has an addiction they have been hiding from you is a huge violation of the marriage. Jonn you shouldn't trust her until she proves otherwise through her commitment to recovery. Being married to a person with an addiction is a big undertaking and its a burden. I think it's very unfair to you and your life she did not tell you. I would be wondering what else she hasn't told me? I'm just trying to keep reality in the forefront because I know as a spouse we can start rationalizing their behavior which isn't healthy.
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Posted: March 7, 2019, 7:23 PM


Posts: 242
Joined: August 18, 2016



Let me preface this by saying that my reply is based on my experience as a person who has been in recovery for 6 years.

While recovery and the hard work it takes has to be your wife's priority at the moment, it does NOT mean you have to just let her do whatever she wants if it is impacting you and your marriage. We must recover while dealing with the real world and the real world includes respect, boundaries and talking about uncomfortable topics.

While I utilized AA/NA at the very beginning of my recovery. In the spirit of full disclosure, it was not what I needed for my recovery. Everyone is different and we all must travel the correct path for us.

At meetings, I heard often that women should be with women and the men should stick with the men. Unfortunately, I have seen and experienced many inappropriate relationships in the fellowship. In early recovery, we are a mess and attention from the opposite sex can give us that adrenaline rush that our drug use gave us. It is also a great way to not focus on the pile of crap our lives have become while in active addiction. It can be very tempting to explore that excitement...especially with someone who understands what it means to be addicted.

I am not accusing your wife of anything and it is probably innocent, BUT you are uncomfortable with it and your needs count too! It will be an awkward conversation to start, but communication is the key. You do not need to lecture her about how she is not doing her recovery correctly...we know when we are screwing up! You just need to say that you are not comfortable with her communicating with this person and that it is important for her to honor your wishes so you can rebuild the trust and intimacy you have lost due to her addiction.

If she refuses to do so, then you may need to hash it out with a qualified therapist. She might refuse, not because of infidelity, but because early recovery is difficult and sometimes we refuse to be "told what to do" or we are angry that our significant other "hasn't gotten over the mistrust yet". Early recovery is ripe with all kinds of emotions and usually our nerves are shot and our patience wears thin!

Again, her recovery can not be used to make you accept something you find inappropriate and potentially damaging to your relationship. I would definitely find a therapist for you to go to alone. There are many issues that will pop up and having an outside sounding board can only help!
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