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Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: February 19, 2019, 3:26 PM
HI All,
I have been a member for sometime now. I really don't post mainly because my writing isn't good. I have a hard time putting thoughts down on paper. You are all such good writers please forgive me. I have a 29 year old son who is addicted to meth. He was sober for 40 days and living with my husband and I. He came back to our house after being in sober living. Long story about why he is at home. I have no problem kicking him out if he uses. We went away on 2/1/19 he was in the house alone and relapsed. Very sad. Nick has a FT job making pretty good money and currently is on medical leave awaiting a bed in in-patient treatment. We kicked him out do to drug use (actually he was gone when we got home) he moved himself into a hotel for a week. He answers my texts but right now I do not know where he is and he will not tell me. He is using daily I think. The thing that I am struggling with is.... He is on LOA, he medical coverage has ended. He doesn't have any money.. To continue his benefits until 3/8/19 is $23.00. I just sent in a check for that amount and am now having second thoughts. Was it dumb to send in payment for his medical insurance? I keep thinking of enabling and maybe I just made things worse for him.. He did his assessment for treatment on Monday 2/18, and I want the treatment center to be able to see he has coverage, if I don't send in payment his coverage will not be active. UGH... thoughts? Thank you for any response. I have to get going now. I can start posting more about my son later. Thank you | ||
Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: February 19, 2019, 4:16 PM
That is not enabling. Medical care is necessary to recovery.
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Posted: February 19, 2019, 4:25 PM
I wouldn't consider that enabling. Medical care is a necessary. And you did not give him cash.
I would make it clear you are not going to continue to pay these bills. Give him a cut off date. If he wants medical care/insurance he will have to obtain it on his own or be happy with ever public assistance he can get. Part of recovery and rehab is the addict must learn to do things for themselves-everything including filling out forms, finding legitimate sources of funding and learning to wait/be patient among other things. The big thing with enabling is anything that could lead to their habit like cash or ride to a bar no matter how harmless it seems. | ||
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: February 19, 2019, 5:00 PM
Welcome noodle hope you feel you can get some support here, helps to know what others are going through also, my son to a meth addict, probably read my posts, anyway I don't think you are enebling I would do the same for my son, insurance is important, and let's hope it's just a relapse he has had, when my son was in early recovery, and he had a slip my friend said its like learning to ride a bike, he'll keep falling of but will keep getting back on and trying!, although it does seem it's taking mine a bloody long time to learn how to ride, lol keep posting good support here
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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: February 19, 2019, 10:15 PM
Hi noodle and welcome. I think you write well btw. I agree too, I don't think paying for health insurance is enabling. Its necessary for treatment because without it it's very expensive as I'm sure you know. I think it's really good he wants to go back to treatment and I wish him all the best!
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: February 19, 2019, 11:00 PM
Hi Noodle - your writing was just fine & like the other parents here, I agree. And this is a great place to feel like you have some support & advice. We aren't perfect at all & our kids use, but at least we can talk to people going thru the same thing
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Posts: 77
Joined: December 26, 2018
Posted: February 19, 2019, 11:48 PM
Noodle - Welcome to the boards, I’m glad you wrote. We need one another. This road is too dark and too scary to go alone.
I agree with the others, I don’t think what you are doing is enabling. I’m sorry your son has relapsed. I wish the best for him in recovery, and for you as well. I understand all too well. | ||
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Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: February 20, 2019, 3:00 PM
Thank you thank you all so very much for your words of wisdom. I actually agree that is why I paid for the insurance, but then I started second guessing my decision.
Like I said, I have been reading a long time and have learned so much and not must for posting but knew I needed to know that what I didn't wasn't going to make things worse. I am so worried about him, he has been out of the house for over two weeks and will not tell me where he is. He has heard from two treatment centers so I am hoping his relapse can end soon. He has had several relapses through out his struggles with addiction but I think this one is the worst. Not sure if that is a good sign or not. I just hope he hates having to look for a place to keep warm and hates not having a hot meal, clean clothes, or a shower.. As sick as this sounds. I really hope he is living in his car and not with drug dealers (my biggest fear!). He is on a leave from work, so when he completes treatment he can return to work. I am not going to let him live in our home. I was hoping he would look into sober living so my next question would be .... Would it be enabling if we pay for the first month and deposit since he will not have a single dime? He just can't live here anymore he is 29 and needs to learn to live on his own. Thank you all for responding to my question. I really needed the relief all of your support brought to me. Oh and thanks for kind words about my writing skills if only knew how long it took me to post this you may take them right back. LOL | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 20, 2019, 11:27 PM
noodle - I have been paying for my son's medical benefits for about a year. $25 per month. It covered his detox and 2week rehab last may. and covered IOP, medical dr's and tests, pyc dr and counselor while he was going for 3 months over the summer. He has been living at home. relapse began last Sept. has been getting worse each week. we are at our breaking point. we have begged him to stop using, go to detox, leave, go to sober living. He says no. he is working which is important to him (for drug money) and I feel bad that I know the job will come to an end. husband and I are seeing the pattern more clearly. he has never stopped on his own. we are at the point where we need to tell him to pick some place to go and leave. even though I 100% want that and know it will be best for him, it will be difficult to tell him. if he chose to go to local hospital again for 3 weeks (which is what he would have to do to go to sober living, which he says he wont do) I do not think I could have him back home. sober is almost as bad. after all that has happened we would still be walking on shells. it isn't good for my son either. I feel like to much damage to our relationships has happened. our son needs to be on his own with a support group around him. we can not be that for him.
RE: paying 1st month and deposit. if you are comfortable with that you can do it. just be careful not to co-sign anything so you are not stuck with paying if he does not. when my son was in sober living a few years ago we paid the first 2 months and paid 200 a month towards his rent after that. unfortunately, he did not stay long and began avoiding the weekly rent payments. idk how we are going to get our son to leave or go any where. we talked to him yesterday he said he was trying to stop, he would make dr apmt, today he is wasted, could barely speak on the phone. | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 20, 2019, 11:28 PM
noodle - how did your son have the conversation w his job to get a LOA? My son will not disclose his problem.
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Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: February 21, 2019, 9:55 AM
Hi NY
I am sorry I really don't know how the conversation went, just that they won't let him come back until he has completed treatment. He texted me last night that it could be 2-3 weeks before he gets a bed. I have no idea where he is. His girlfriend (God only knows why she is putting up with him) texted me last night that he came to her house is very skinny, sunken eyes and cheeks. Has a wrap on his arm to cover marks (yes he injects that crap into his precious veins). I am just sick to my stomach. I worry and pray that this relapse will really make him hate using. I beg him to go to the Salivation Army, but he refuses. Breaks my heart. How old is your son? His DOC is alcohol right? I agree that he should be on his own and that you and your husband should be able to have an empty nest. My husband and I went to a counselor who told us "Nick is a guest in your home and if you do not want him there he needs to leave" He also said that he should never use in our house or be high in our house. We have a sober drug free home and if he couldn't be clean he would have to leave. We drug tested often (I did a post about this some agreed and some didn't). He would take the test and if he knew he could pass and if he knew he couldn't pass he would leave. We made the mistake of letting him back in if he could test clean.. We did that two times (insanity doing the same stupid thing with the same result), this time I made it clear that he COULD NEVER come back if he couldn't pass a test. Well that is why two weeks ago when we came home from being out of town he wasn't there. He knew that he cannot be high in our home and that he couldn't pass the test. If you set a date for your son, and he doesn't leave you tell him you are going to call the cops. Nick didn't believe I would do it until he heard me on the phone telling the police that my son will not leave my house. He left. The cops will come and have him removed. I am so paranoid of enabling that I am over the top thinking about paying for stuff. I do not want to be the cause of him not being able to get well. He needs to want treatment for himself not for me, his dad, and his girlfriend. I have to tell him that he needs to work on finding a place once he gets the date for treatment because he cannot come back to our home he just can't. Not good. I need to let him be a 29 year old and take care of himself. I know relapse is part of the process it just sucks.. I have read the meth board posts from years ago and loved reading Just One More's posts he relapsed but made it.. Con was on another board loved reading his stuff too he made it too. They don't post anymore. So many people get clean our kids can do it too, we just have to stop helping them so they can feel the pain and get sick of it.. I am rambling thanks for listening all! I pray for all addicts just isn't fair for them or their families. Kim (noodle is what we called our son when he was little Nickelbee Noodle Bug) He is really an awesome person who really has changed over the last few years so I am hopeful he can recover and make it forever. | ||
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Posted: February 21, 2019, 11:23 AM
Until your son really wants to change relapse should be expected because he probably went to rehab to appease someone else even if a court, friend, family etc.
Also by not allowing him to live in your house will force him to make choices between rent or drug money. Maybe living on his own with no back-up will force him to prioritize. I don't know how long he's been using as an adult but after a certain point the drug life will be the only one he knows. The habit and routine itself will get just as much a hold as the chemical. So will the peers/'friends'. I see it in the alkie here. He started drinking late teens and continues at half a century. Part of his routine is akin to a teenager getting ready to go out on a Fri or Sat night. Anticipation of that first drink rules his day. The drugs rule his life. Don't let them or him rule yours. Good Luck This post has been edited by samegame on February 21, 2019, 11:23 AM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 21, 2019, 2:55 PM
thanks for the responses. same advice I would give to another. I wonder why we did not enforce rules or boundaries. we didn't think it was necessary. we thought he would just be normal. also we would have to 'police' him and we didn't want this to take up more of our time. didn't want to work harder at it than he was. wanted to leave it up to him. yes we should have taken the car keys months ago. but we thought - after many arguments and conversations - that he would stop what he was doing and make getting on his own feet a priority. sad to say this did not happen.
yes - we should have put those rules in place. maybe it isn't too late. beginning now drug testing, no driving other than work..... while he is looking for treatment, place to live, which needs to be within weeks, not months we are just so tired. again, don't want to put more effort into this than he is. but we don't want to sit and wait for worse things to happen. the only option is for him to leave. I guess I am not good at confrontation. fear of the unknown, what will happen. DOC - cocaine, herion, benzos, alcohol started the relapse. once into the other stuff does not drink much that I can see. he does not do in the house, but clearly has be under the influence while at home. son is 29. going on 6 years of this. yes - I do think the life style is ingrained in him. he is too bored and does not have 'friends' without it. con - is a middle aged female. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 21, 2019, 2:57 PM | ||
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Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: February 21, 2019, 4:10 PM
NY,
I have so much to say, but don't want to bore. I didn't realize our sons were the same age. I thought he was much younger. I totally get being tired I am too old to be parenting, but if they live in your house your rules reign and no one else's, its kind of like, you said, you are parenting a small child again!! As if once isn't enough. UGH. I totally get putting more effort into him getting better then he does. When he was at home and worked full time, I made sure to pack him a healthy lunch one that had a ton of protein, fruit, milk all the good stuff just to get his brain healed. I was also doing it so he could save money by not going out for lunch so he could pay off his car, save up for a place. Bla Bla Bla. I bought vitamins too. Made sure he took his meds for depression. Did he laundry so that he always looked good at work. I helped him so that he didn't get overwhelmed cause when he does he doesn't do a thing. But, how much good did that do him???? else I never think its too late to put rules into place, it just takes practice and patience. You cannot make a rule that you are too tired to enforce either. Believe me I have learned so much about me through his struggles. He knows, when I say something, that I mean it, in the past that wasn't always the case. It feels good too. You don't need to confront you can be kind and gentle to him when you give him a exit date, you could approach him by asking him when he will be ready to leave your house. If his date is too far away or he doesn't have one then you can make your suggestion. I would even ask him if your date works, if he doesn't' think that it will, ask him why. If he has a good point, work on that. I waited for Nick to get better too always hoping, but as you heard he is out of the house and I think he is in the worst shape of his life. We also forced him to prove that he went to meetings when he lived with us, which he hated, but he did. He told me that he thinks more about using when he is at the meetings. So, we changed it to attend a counseling session once a week. LOL I could have sworn Con said that he was a male, I couldn't figure out why everyone called him a sister or girlfriend.. Thank you. I have seen people ask where everyone is and I get sad cause all the old timers gave so much imput and they really cared. I feel for you NY! We can get through this together I hope. | ||
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Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: February 21, 2019, 4:21 PM
Same Game,
You are absolutely correct. He did get into treatment as a condition of living in our home and for two girlfriends. I hope this time he really wants it. Before he relapsed he came to my husband and I and told us he needed treatment because of crazy bad cravings. I told him he needs a sponsor, therapist, group meetings cause he was clean for 40 days.. I told him that treatment was for those that couldn't stop.. I was wrong. Now he is in full relapse. I agree not to let the drugs rule our lives that is why he was told if he ever tests positive he will have to leave and never can live at our home again (always exceptions.. if a sober house has a two week wait, I would allow him to stay with us for 2 weeks). I hope you are right and he does prioritize he really needs to. Thank you for your thoughts. | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 22, 2019, 12:13 AM
noodle - thanks for your response. you show me that is is ok for me to change my ways. just because we did not set up rules before, doesn't mean we cant do that now. I am a bit annoyed w my husband. now that I have gotten to my breaking point, I feel like my husband has lost interest and is going to let me - deal with it all ...
I understand our motivation to do stuff for them, so they wont be stressed and relapse.... I know we start out doing that thinking our son will take over doing his own stuff soon, my son has been doing own laundry and makes his lunch, I do buy the cold cuts. he did not take the vitamins. he was working out for a while at the gym and did use protein mix. he stopped that about 3 months ago. thanks for writing. it makes me feel better knowing that other have done the same things, and tried other things. I chatted on line with someone from a recovery sober living organization today. he said he was once where our kids are. As long as we are giving food, shelter, cash, it is enabling his to stay in the addiction. he said it was only when his parents cut him off that he took a long hard look at himself. so that is my mission. I just hate how it feels like I have to hold up the fort or be the last man standing. and I don't like the pats on the back after I have been force to do all the tough work. Since my son comes home later and I have been going to my room after work, I wrote my statements on paper and taped to kitchen wall. GO TO HOSPITAL, MOVE OUT, PACK A BAG, GO TO HOTEL, YOU CANT LIVE HERE, find sober living this week his sisters have called him. he reached out to them earlier in the week at 3am. | ||
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Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: February 22, 2019, 9:07 AM
I am so proud of you! Now that you have your thoughts and your son sees that you can take the next step and have a conversation about what would be fair. Come up with a date in and a time and stick with it! If he doesn't leave call the police and have him removed. It sucks but it works.
I understand the enabling that is why I am so paranoid about doing just that. I will pay his insurance until he is back and work and I will pay for his two counselor appointments he had before he relapsed because when the bill hasn't come yet and he will be in treatment. Hope you all have a good weekend! Kim | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 22, 2019, 10:21 AM
Noodle - thanks for your support.
another twist - I was let go from my job yesterday. sad on one hand, but I was out of work last year. only 9 months at this job, thru an employment agency, so not a surprise. This does reinforce my efforts to shake the kid loose. Truly at the breaking point. Can not sacrifice myself anymore. | ||
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Posts: 20
Joined: June 13, 2018
Posted: February 22, 2019, 2:11 PM
NY - Oh my I am so sorry what a bummer. Well, hopefully you can enjoy some time off before you find another job. Yes, that is exactly what you need to be done with him. He can tell how serious you are!
We live in MN and got a ton of snow this last week, my son is living in his car and it got stuck at a park oh boy is he mad right now. Again, hope that hates this so much. I hope that he is hungry and tired of sleeping in his car (or where ever he is). Hope he can't wait to get into treatment and begin a sober life. GF said he is very skinny he probably hasn't eaten in a week he is pretty tall and didn't weigh all that much to begin with. He asked her if he could live with her until a bed opens for him.. She is like Heck NO. I am afraid we are losing her. Please keep me posted on how your conversation goes with your boy! I hope it goes awesome and he leaves without any need for the police. Thanks for all the support here on my post. | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 22, 2019, 3:55 PM
Yes, I might take a drive and visit a few relatives who live in warmer climate before I have to start the unemp paperwork, go to appointments, etc... I have a two week window, after I get a new job, wont have that time off/opportunity.
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