Round And Round #9 In Less Than 3 Yrs
Posted: October 31, 2018, 11:33 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: October 31, 2018

Hi family!

I've been reading here for years! This site is such a wonderful tool and I have used it to help me through. Each and everyone of your stories helps all of us. So I find myself here needing some advice as I'm at a crossroad..... Will try to make it quick, my sons 29, he has a Meth problem and has been in Drug court for almost 3 years, during this time he has been arrested 9 times at this point for failing drug screens and missed meetings ect (he simply isn't there yet or doesn't want it) needed less to say this last 3 years have costed me lots of money ($16,000) which I don't have. I told my son he could not live here with me because of his choices. I haven't given him any $ in a long time at this point and he does have a job. Here's where we are, he was arrested yet again #9 for failing a drug screen and he will be in jail approx 90+ days at this point as well as lose his job more than likely. Last time he was the for 90 days so it will more than likely be more this time. Anyway they towed his car when he was arrested (that I bought for him) I know that's HIS problem, here's my struggle.... Now that he went to jail again he will be kicked out of the place he was staying (he knew this was the consequences) and he will more than likely be homeless at that point. He was the last time he got out and by the grace of god someone let him stay at their house. The only thing he would have now is his car to sleep in. The cars impounded and it will cost $400 to get it out (only worth about$1500 total) in 40 more days that bill will be $1300 (car will be lost at that point) I can save him from this BUT it's been 9 times, it's clear he has issues he may never move forward from. Should I save this car from being taken from him due to storage fees? Not to give it back to him but maybe sell it to recoup some of my money (I'm not sure if it's worth the stress on me) or save it and store it in hopes one day he can prove he deserves it again (I'm not sure if I want that road either, I'm exhausted at this point and sick of his situation) or just LET GO? DO NOTHING as I've read so much before..... Let HIM fix it.... He will lose the car if I don't get it out, bottom line. Oh also I have not heard from him at all, he's been in for 6 days as of today so he must not be as worried about it as I am 😟 But then again I didn't expect him to call, he knows we are way past that at this point.

Any advise is greatly appreciated, I'm totally torn. Thanks so much!

This post has been edited by Dbxx on October 31, 2018, 11:57 AM
Posted: October 31, 2018, 12:30 PM

Posts: 169
Joined: July 6, 2018

Only get the car if is in your name.,even then I doubt if the car is worth the bother.
I was in the same spot with my 30 year old daughter. She is sober now only because she has lost everything She trashed her car that I bought her.I was able to sell it for junk,300 dollars.She lost all of her furniture and her place to live. She was in a home that I owned,I sold it.
She spent 30 days in pysch ward 40days in a rehab. She has been out for about 6weeks. She is struggling but so far she is still.sober.I am only helping her as long as she stays sober. If she goes back to meth I will turn her in to probabtion.
Posted: October 31, 2018, 12:39 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: October 31, 2018

Thanks so very much! No the car isn't in my name, I put it in his name when I bought it. I know I should just walk away but it's so very hard knowing this is the very last thing he has. He may need it to sleep in. But then again he won't have the $ for car insurance and I certainly don't want him out there driving illegally, that will just bring more trouble his way. He's already lost most of his things from when he had his own place, I guess it's only natural in a downward spiral to lose your car and all of your belongings next. I know your right, it's so heartbreaking when you know you can save them but it just isn't worth the save.......😟
Posted: October 31, 2018, 8:29 PM

Posts: 30
Joined: March 11, 2018

The problem with the addict is that they never seem to grow up, so it's like you're allowing your small child to go without when you let them suffer the consequences of their addiction. Most of the addicts also have a dual diagnosis, mental issue, lying beneath the addiction which is there fueling the addiction. In my daughter's case, she also had a physical disease of Type 1 (insulin dependent) diabetes.There is no easy answer to the question you ask. You don't want to enable your son, but you also don't want to see him fail to the point of it harming him.

My daughter was thrown out of her sober living house on a Friday (a month ago) after relapsing. She was across the country, so I had to arrange for her to stay somewhere. Her counselors told me I was enabling her by purchasing her a hotel room. We had found a place for her to stay, but they couldn't take her until Monday. At eighteen years old, my gut told me not to just let her fall. She had friends stay with her that Friday. The next morning they found her unresponsive. Accidental overdose. My heart is broken, losing my only child, but I look back and think to myself that I would've never forgiven myself if she had died on the street that night.

I'm not trying to scare you, nor am I implying something will happen to your son if you don't help him. I'm just saying that you can facilitate recovery with the least bit of assistance as possible. If he comes out and has no hope whatsoever, he's not going to seek recovery. That's going to fuel his drug use. He needs oxygen to breathe.

There's no easy answer. Striking a balance between enabling and complete hands off is difficult. I believe you have to give them enough assistance that they don't lose hope. Hope is key to recovery. I do agree that they must suffer the consequences of their addiction, and they must see that their life is unmanageable while in the addiction, but I don't believe we totally forsake our loved ones.
Posted: October 31, 2018, 11:40 PM

Posts: 243
Joined: November 16, 2017

It is really tough to strike that balance. Again, sympathies, jointheclub. (((hug))).

My son reached out to me today. I was leery that he wanted something. But, he seemed distressed. I decided that I could be an emotional support. That is healthy. But, I offered no advice, no money, no rescuing. I keep telling myself that if I love him, I will help him face reality. And, reality, for him right now, is a mess because of his addiction. I can't and shouldn't clean up the mess. Just be a supportive person, listen, let him know I love him.

We actually had a good chat. He admitted how miserable he was. Admitted he needed help. Then, of course, once we agreed to go somewhere for help, he was too busy. Always with the , "I'll do it tomorrow". I did not argue or say anything. Just told him I loved him and I hoped he could figure out what to do.

He was mad that I would not help him, but I just ignored this. He is not ready for help, even now.

Trying my best to find balance, health, sanity, and still enjoy my moments. Tough stuff.

Peace to all.
Posted: November 1, 2018, 9:18 PM

Posts: 1404
Joined: June 27, 2016

I lean more to the sympathetic side and like my husband and I say - some how we are going to pay. pay now or pay later.I would pay the $400 to get the car back, take it off ins. and registration. keep it. because it will be harder and more expensive to find another one later. keep it off the road until he can pay for it. my husband would rather have our son working than not working. we need cars to get there. when my son came home from 2 week rehab in may, my husband found a $1000 car. unfortunately, son wrecked it in September when he started drinking again.
we still had an old car in the driveway we were trying to sell. we put him in that one. so he could get to work. he talked to me about 2 weeks ago about why he has such trouble staying sober. there is a bit of bipolar and depression. not really manic except he has trouble with racing thoughts and being able to sleep. he does take a med for that. not a sleeping pill, something for bipolar. he has a problem with the 'purpose of life' but in the end, said he didn't want to die.

since then he has stayed home most nights. asked me to drive him somewhere when the car was acting up, or if he was going to be drinking. unfortunately, he is laid off from construction job. he has been home all week, and stays in his room. is pleasant when he comes out for dinner. it is almost too normal. we haven't talked. I just don't have any more to say that I have not said before. I think time is what it takes, they have to stay on track long enough for the brain to decide that being clean is a good idea.

when I was trying to get him into rehab in the spring, two medical professional suggested bribery. so, if you make a choice to do something that you want to do, because of rational reasons, do not beat yourself up for enabling. we are making choices for good reasons.

I think if you leave the car there will be more fees and registration and license problems down the road. talk to the shop owner and ask for a discount on the fees.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 1, 2018, 9:19 PM
Posted: November 1, 2018, 9:34 PM

Posts: 1404
Joined: June 27, 2016

I agree with jointheclub that they just don't have some of the basic life skills that most people innately have. its like they are sitting on the other side of the river watching everyone, wanting to be there, but cant find their way across the bridge.

Hope - I have seen my son try harder when he has hope. also seen him give up when hope didn't help fast enough. Every day Hope is what we have. Hope to get thru another day. Hope the next day wont be worse.

This does not mean to allow yourself to be manipulated and treated badly. and if you cant do something, then don't. pick the things you can do, that you are able to do. if you save the car I am sure he would appreaciate it, even if he does not tell you. he may not be calling and asking for anything because he knows he does not deserve it.

my son told me he feels horrible that he wrecked the car in September. that he regrets it every day. His dad told me son does not care bc son did not say this to dad. he does not talk much and dwells on things over and over. he has not asked to fix it bc he wanted to save $ and fix it. dad thinks he does not care bc he has not talked about fixing it. I think he does not talk about it bc he does not have $ to fix it - so why talk about it. so - it gets complicated.

do what you need to do - so you can sleep at night. without regrets.

PS - I am paying son's student loans bc if it stops getting paid, it will never go away and will just cost more and more in interest fees. right or wrong, idk, it is what it is for now.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 1, 2018, 9:42 PM
Posted: November 2, 2018, 10:16 AM

Posts: 357
Joined: October 25, 2016

My son’s DOC is also Meth but he is a poly substance abuser. Depended on me for years to keep him afloat but has now lost everything. My opinion is that how much we help depends on their age and how much they are trying. I would not rescue another car for any reason. I have done it too many times. To keep on doing it over and over is throwing away money. It is hard when that is all they have left. He has not asked you to do anything about it so I wouldn’t. If your son is like mine, you might get yelled at for not doing something because you should have known he needed it. We are supposed to save them automatically ... they have a huge sense of entitlement. I think it just gives your son another tie to you and a reason to keep asking for the car. He might show up at your door demanding to get his car back. They have no common sense and meth makes them unpredictable. He will not care if the car is insured or not. He will want to use it and will try to manipulate you into giving it back if you get it out of impound. I would stay out of it. His fault, his problem. You can’t distance yourself and stop enabling when you are in the middle.

Posted: November 2, 2018, 2:23 PM

Posts: 169
Joined: July 6, 2018

It's so hard to make the choice of when and how to help. At this point my daughter is sober and working part time. So I am paying for her rent and getting her to work.
I know she can't pick her self up by her boot straps if she doesn't have any boots.
Everyday is a struggle.She wants to do Meth and she tells me this.So I have to remind her everyday that she will go to jail.
Posted: November 2, 2018, 9:18 PM

Posts: 1404
Joined: June 27, 2016

dbxx - I do not have experience w meth. so maybe my advice is not the best. you decide.
walkedon - I shared a car w my son for two months when he was out of rehab in june/july. its not fun. I like my alone time in the car. at first he was happy to get up and go, drop me at work, he went to appointments. as time went on he was not happy w getting up and driving w me if he did not need to be up that early.
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