Disease Vs Choice
Posted: October 26, 2018, 6:05 PM


Posts: 91
Joined: January 21, 2017



Hey group! Long time, no post....but really glad i know of this site. Here, i feel safe saying that i don't like my son. He is determined to stay stuck in his victim story. Refuses to reach out for help. Continuously talks about what losers other people are. Entitled, selfish, hateful, manipulative. Exactly the sort of person I don't want in my life. I am exhausted from my meetings, therapists, researching steps to get me better, when it is becoming clearer every day that he is either too sick or stubborn to give a damn. No one deserves this hell. Thanks for letting me vent...wishing everyone peace tonight. Libby
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Posted: October 26, 2018, 8:18 PM


Posts: 59
Joined: February 3, 2015



I'm sorry Libby, and I understand. I feel your pain, frustration, and many, many other feelings.

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Posted: October 26, 2018, 8:35 PM


Posts: 1217
Joined: June 27, 2016



Ditto.
my son had 90 days clean. slipped up for a few weeks. this week I am not sure. another paycheck. will it last the week? Tired of playing the guessing game. Friday night. came home from work. and retreated to bed room. just want to be warm, comfy, and alone.
have a good weekend everyone!
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Posted: October 26, 2018, 9:16 PM


Posts: 322
Joined: October 25, 2016



We all understand. It is hard to like our adult drug addicts when they do such selfish things, verbally abuse us, use us and turn our lives upside down. We are manipulated and disappointed time after time. I would divorce a husband that treated me the way my son has treated me for many many years. I just put up with it because I thought he needed me and that’s what parents do. I think I had myself convinced that I loved this man (my son) but now I think I actually loved the person he used to be and couldnt admit to myself that he is no longer that person. I am not sure who he is because it is all mixed up in my mind and I have often been blind. I don’t see him clearly. I am not even sure when my baby went away. It has been hard for me to separate the two (child and adult) so I was the ultimate enabler. I still have trouble controlling the impulse to step in and fix his life. There has been so much sorrow and loss it is hard to find happiness while seeing him struggle even though I know helping him will hurt me and his current situation was of his own making. It is not the relationship or situations we all hoped for when we had our beautiful children and raised them with so much love.

Lately I have been really very mad at him for a bunch of things. Mainly for being where he is today and giving up all the chances he had to make things different. I don’t really understand how things turned out this way. I just know there is nothing I can do about it and am trying to let it all go but that is a hard thing to do.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on October 26, 2018, 9:31 PM

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BUGS
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Posted: October 27, 2018, 9:16 AM


Posts: 89
Joined: July 6, 2018



I'm in a holding pattern. Addict is clean but struggling. I'm doing everything possible to help her move forward. Making sure she has transportation to appointments, picking up meds. Getting her to work. She is trying but every move she makes I hold my breath,waiting for the slip up. I dont like my kid,so I am trying to treat her as a stranger.Some one who needs help.
It keeps me sane for the day.I can't even think about the future.
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Posted: October 27, 2018, 11:05 AM


Posts: 91
Joined: January 21, 2017



Ah, yes. The future, right now just exhausted and depleted trying to build healthy boundaries without making it a wall. A BIG wall. But honestly, that feels like the only safe thing to do. Too much destruction already, and no light at end of tunnel. Wow.....just realized I am stuck in my victim story too. Sheesh. Thanks all for reading, and jumping in...... helps alot. Peace, Libby
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Posted: October 27, 2018, 1:40 PM


Posts: 89
Joined: July 6, 2018



This is be a rough weekend, must be the weather. My daughter has literally been crying all day. I am of two minds.She should be crying she has messed up everything for 12 years.My other thought it; is knock it off ,or I'll give you some thing to cry about.
Her depression is driving me crazy. I have that feeling this is never going to get better.
Thankfully I get to go to work soon and not look at SadSack
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Posted: October 27, 2018, 8:52 PM


Posts: 1
Joined: October 27, 2018



daughter overdosed once again, battling addiction for 9 years, dreading one day getting that "last call"
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Posted: October 27, 2018, 9:46 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: October 27, 2018



I know your pain Libby. My Mom was an addict, and I struggled for years with her and the disease. It's so hard to cut the cord from someone you love. I couldn't imagine being a parent with a child with addiction. I have a daughter and often when I think of it, I think of how much I love her and how hard it would be. We want to change the addict. We want them to see the light. To understand what it takes, what they need to do, what they should do. But no one can ever do that. You will exhaust yourself trying. You will kill yourself trying. Addiction is terrible. It affects everyone and not just the addict. I wish I could help take away your pain. You need to take care of you though. Don't lose sight of that. I know its hard, but you are important. It's okay to vent, its okay to be angry, its okay to be sad and frustrated. You are not alone. I am here to care and listen. I wish you the peace you are searching for. Hugs to you!
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Posted: October 27, 2018, 10:09 PM


Posts: 4
Joined: October 27, 2018



Libby, you are allowed to be a victim. You are suffering to. Don't feel bad for needing to talk to others. That perspective of yours is skewed because your son has made you feel that way from what he has done. You are not "playing victim" you actually are a victim and you need to have a voice and to feel.
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Posted: October 28, 2018, 10:18 AM


Posts: 503
Joined: August 28, 2016



I am at the point where I have a "little" hope, but a lot of "doubt and fear". I hope my son will one day change his life and I can have the son I knew back, but on the other hand I am afraid that at 47 y/o it won't happen before I leave this world.

His ex GF messaged me that she went and saw him last week. She said she is sure he is clean, but he is very skinny and living in a rundown RV he is trying to sell. Of course I got a glimmer of hope when she said he was clean, but my mama heart ached when she said he was skinny. Wanted to run out and get him food and groceries. Had to remind myself of how many times in the past I have done that and enabled him once again to spend any money he had on drugs!!

It just goes against every fiber of my being to not want to make sure he is clean and fed! I know though that this will only delay any chance of him making it on his own or wanting to escape this life he has chosen.

Do I love my son--absolutely--but I no longer contribute to his way of life. That was and is his choice. I have let him go and just maybe he will change. She did say he was clean and she would know cause she lived with him for 3 years. I pray he will continue to change-----
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Posted: October 28, 2018, 1:47 PM


Posts: 322
Joined: October 25, 2016



Libby - you need to vent and there is no better place to do it than here where people understand. Except maybe a therapists office would also be good. lol Don’t feel bad about it at all.

Duchess - that is the million dollar question ... when do we step in to help and when do we leave things alone? How do we know they are clean? How do we know it won’t start all over again the minute they get money or feel comfortable again. It would be nice to know exactly what we should do in any situation. People say drug addicts and homeless people can help themselves or get help from others. I think there may be a misconception that help is easy to get. They need ID for one thing and my son is unable to get his back without going to jail. There are limits on food stamps and the number of nights they can stay in shelters. Sometimes they have pets like your son. They can get arrested for panhandling or trespassing so where do they sleep and how do they eat. Soup kitchens don’t serve 3 meals a day. They have trouble shaving, washing, and doing all those things. Maybe my son just doesn’t know how or who to ask for help. Heaven knows he needs the help. I am too scared to help him for many reasons. But I am afraid that if I don’t help him no one else ever will. So I live with fear everyday. It is a bad situation for a parent. How do we ever really know what to do for them? We can only use our best judgement and not sacrifice ourselves for them.

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BUGS
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Posted: October 28, 2018, 4:03 PM


Posts: 164
Joined: November 16, 2017



I am on the same page today. Another incident that made me become even MORE shocked at my son's selfish, abusive, manipulative behavior. And, that is saying a lot!

I am thinking mental illness is part of, and addiction, of course. But, I am just getting to the point that I don't care what the reason. He refuses ALL help. Refuses to do one thing, one little thing to . help himself.

I felt this ball of self-respect within myself today after this incident. Whatever the reason, it is NOT okay to behave this way. I think I have been too helpful in the past...I know I have. Setting up appointments, sending articles, quotes, phone numbers---doing all these little things to try to help. I feel so stupid, really.

I have never been in this spot. I really want him out of my life. I am sure it will fade, but he is responsible for being a total jerk.

Thanks for listening.
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Posted: October 28, 2018, 4:53 PM


Posts: 91
Joined: January 21, 2017



Yes!! It's my belief, i guess, that somebody has to listen to my son, or he will be totally disconnected from everything. But what has happened is that he has traded in on that "momma love", treating me as his emotional punching bag. BUT I realize you can only be walked on if you lie down.....so, honestly, i have just taken to packing a bag and retreating to the country to remodel an old farmhouse...at least that makes sense😑 I used to feel guilty about taking off, but then i asked myself if i would feel guilty about going to the country if my son was not struggling with addiction....Um.....NO. Every day addiction does not take us under completely is a victory. Peace, Libby
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Posted: October 29, 2018, 9:54 AM


Posts: 322
Joined: October 25, 2016



That sounds like fun. Keep doing things for you. It is easy to get lost in their lives. We must fight to have our own lives. Do something for yourself no matter what.

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BUGS
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Posted: November 7, 2018, 10:12 AM


Posts: 91
Joined: January 21, 2017



I read a quote today that said "despair is knowing today will be just like yesterday" that hit me hard. Addiction equals despair, for all involved. This stranger in my home is filled with despair, but makes no move to change it. He hates himself, and life in general. I have a 10 year old granddaughter who is looking to me for answers. The truth is too frightening for her right now. So I allow my son to stay with me so that they can have visits, and she does not carry the burden of not knowing where her dad is. There will be plenty of time for despair in her life. She is the one who told me 3 years ago that her dad was probably waiting for everything on the outside to be good before he feels good on the inside....but that he has it backwards. Wishing peace and strength for all...thanks for listening. Libby
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Posted: November 9, 2018, 10:25 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: November 9, 2018



I just had to separate myself from my daughter's addiction. After 10 years I realized she makes her own choices good and bad like we all do. I had to let her learn by experiencing the consequences. Is it hard to watch...yes, however much better than being emeshed in it. After numerous detoxes, treatments, and a failed sober living she has gained insight that she has never had before. She is much more 'awake' and has developed and become more aware of coping skills. She knows I love her. It's a process that is ongoing and I wish her well and I hope she continues to grow and move in the right direction. It's her life....
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Posted: November 10, 2018, 6:38 AM


Posts: 10
Joined: November 9, 2018



In my opinion, often addiction is thought of as are they clean or are they using....like its either one or the other...in reality it's usually most likely not. It's too powerful to be that simple. With each detox and treatment seeds are planted and they become more aware learn more about themselves and see others who are experiencing painful consequences too. It does not always take a rock bottom to start improving their life.....There is a whole process and self awareness that starts to happen and it takes time to go through this process but as long as they are going through it it's progress in the right direction. Failure doesn't become a binge anymore it becomes a learning tool. One size does not fit all and each person will eventually do this their own way made with their own choices and decisions.
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Posted: November 10, 2018, 10:07 AM


Posts: 1217
Joined: June 27, 2016



sallyanna - thanks for the post. that is what I have been thinking. my son is not perfect but he is better than he was a year ago and 6 months ago. he does have some borderline bipolar symptoms (depression, persistant thoughts, insomnia) I know part is from the past drug use, some is his own behavior - sleeps late, stays awake late. when he was newly clean in june, jul, aug - he was not using and did a lot of stuff to be better, but still did not feel good. then he began drinking again in sep-oct. maybe did some other stuff. it ebbs and flows. didn't go to gym for a few week, then starts going again. talking about fixing up a car, but it will take time to save $$. he never saves $ so it will take time - week after week - to show progress. our family problem is that my husband only sees the bad and does not acknowledge the good. example - a gf stayed over one night during the week. I think Its good he was home and not out. no drinking or anything going on. husband yells at him that he " better not be dragging her down. what is she doing here, she has to work in the morning! " son avoids introducing us to anyone. he is not comfortable. when son is making progress, dad still yells about the negative. example - son said he was going out and going to be the designated driver. dad does not believe it and yells at him. makes him feel crappy. I guess they need counseling together. I cant control either one of them. it is true that maybe dad being a jerk will make him want to get out and on his own feet. only way to do that is to save $. only way to do that is to not spend it. as you said, it is a process and it takes time. we just have to be sure we don't pass out while were holding our breath!
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Posted: November 10, 2018, 11:09 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: November 9, 2018



By to Florida thanks for sharing about your son. I can tell you are a supportive positive Mom. It's sad to me your husband is so critical towards him because what efforts and tasks may come natural to most people takes much much more effort for someone who has an addiction and even more so if they have additional mental struggles. Your son sounds like he's making progress and I hope he is proud of himself.
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