Some Advice Please
Posted: July 13, 2018, 7:36 PM


Posts: 5
Joined: May 29, 2018



So my boyfriend had gone to rehab, he was supposed to do a 30 day program but they let him out after 21 days because he was doing very good, he had even stopped smoking, but, i felt like that wasn't enough time, so i was so stressed and i kept thinking he was going to relapse. What caused him to go to rehab was the fact that his kids' mom found out he was on drugs and wouldn't let him see his kids, also his mom and brother knew and they kept asking him to go. Well, when he got out he received his certificate of achievement and for some reason, that was enough for his ex to let the kids start coming back over to see him. She acts like everything is back to normal like he is completely fixed, she even allowed the kids to stay the night for 4 days straight. I felt like the right thing for her to do was to start it off slow with supervised visitations, but we all think differently i guess, but I know very well that everything is not fine. 4 days after getting out of rehab he was already doing drugs again. He would tell me, "no it's just a slip up, I'm going to stop" but that never happened obviously and i know it won't because i've been dealing with this issue for years now. Well i told him that i was going to let his mom and his ex know that he relapsed. He keeps telling me not to because i will cause trouble, but, i don't feel it's fair to his kids and his mom. What should I do? I feel like his ex knowing and keeping the kids away from him is the best and also his mom knowing would give him some more support.

This post has been edited by Les89 on July 13, 2018, 7:39 PM
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Posted: July 13, 2018, 7:48 PM


Posts: 115
Joined: August 29, 2015



The well being of the kids should ALWAYS be foremost.

Let's talk about you...what is it you find attractive about this guy?

I guess I read so many posts on this forum where unmarried couples start having kids where there's addiction.

This is really sad to me because not only is there instability in the relationship because they're committed enough to have kids...but not committed enough to get married. Combine this with their addictions...man I feel so sorry for the kids!

I'm not directing this at you, and I know his kids aren't yours, just please don't allow another child to be born into a relationship where one of you is addicted.

The kids deserve MUCH better than this!
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Posted: July 14, 2018, 1:50 PM


Posts: 171
Joined: November 16, 2017



You are correct to be concerned. And, it is not healthy to hide addiction, although that is really, really want the addict think they want/need. You are in a bad place, in one sense, in that you have to go 'report' on him. Do you think they suspect? It is really naive of the kids mom to think all is well.

I guess my suggestion would be to leave the relationship and find someone more stable. Also, it would be better if you were not in the middle, as the relayer of the message to these women. However, if it comes down to it, like Rich said, the kids need to come first. So, if they really have no clue, I would mention it to them (on my way out of the relationship).

I hope this does not sound too harsh. It's just that, in dealing with addiction, and talking to others who are dealing with addicted loved ones---it really is a losing game. Getting involved with someone with significant recovery is one thing, but active addiction is just a sad, never-ending series of disappointments. I would really encourage you to move on from this. And, if you stay, to keep seeking support (like this site!) and other groups to help you navigate.

I am glad you found this site, and please keep posting.
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Posted: July 14, 2018, 8:39 PM


Posts: 1246
Joined: June 27, 2016



I agree with the above postings. Leave the relationship. It is the only choice. You say this has been going on for a long time. why are you still in it. life is hard enough without the complications addicted loved ones throw at us.

His relationship with his family and his ex and his kids is not your problem to fix. start filtering your actions thru a filter that starts with.... Is this my problem? Did I cause this? Is this my responsibility to fix? if the answer is No, walk away from the responsibility of that problem.

Your bf does not want you to tell them the truth. Is that something you want to be part of. Hiding and lying? if the answer is NO, walk away from making it your responsibility.

the only way to stay out of the lies and the problems is to be OUT of it. if you are not working, get a job. If you are living with your bf, save $$ and move out. Even if you want to stay together, you need your own place to go to that is away from Crazy Addiction Land.

If you have trouble doing this, see a therapist, support group, go to Naranon meetings, etc....



This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 14, 2018, 8:41 PM
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Posted: July 15, 2018, 4:45 PM


Posts: 8
Joined: July 10, 2018



Sounds like he went to rehab to appease other,s not stop or change. Until the addict really really wants to clean up their act rehab to appease others frequently doesn't work or stick.
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Posted: July 15, 2018, 4:49 PM


Posts: 100
Joined: July 6, 2018



Get out of this relationship. If he gets sober,good for him. Believe us,you dont want to go down this road.
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Posted: July 16, 2018, 6:27 AM


Posts: 2268
Joined: October 17, 2004



He is probably lying to you when he says that let him out of rehab early because he was doing so good. It does not work like that- he just signed out early or was thrown out.

--------------------
No matter what right you did or what wrong you didn't do: When you're the black sheep, all blame belongs to you
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Posted: July 16, 2018, 3:33 PM


Posts: 5
Joined: May 29, 2018



Thank you everyone for responding.
I do agree that the kids well being should always be first, which is why I feel i would be doing the right thing in telling the kids mom so that she can keep them away from him, once again, and hopefully this time she will learn that just because he went to a program it doesn't mean he is 100% cured once he's out. Every time I tell him that i'm going to let her know he always says that I don't care about the kids, that I'm just doing it for myself, which is not true, I don't gain anything out of telling her this. I told him he needs his mom to know so that he can have some support. As for us, we are in the process of figuring everything out, he is staying with his mom for now and me with my family because i feel like we need the space. Our relationship is not the same anymore because i have caught him in so many lies, and i've caught him stealing from me plenty of times. We can never progress because he spends all his checks on drugs and i'm left living paycheck to paycheck with my money, and even then he still finds a way to take money from me. It's just not the same for me anymore and I can't trust him.

Thank you all for listening (reading)
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Posted: August 6, 2018, 4:36 PM


Posts: 5
Joined: May 29, 2018



Thought I'd post and give an update.

So I ended speaking to his mom. I told her I didn't know what to do because he was using drugs again. She got very mad and tried to call him, but as usual he didn't answer because he knew that i had told her everything. He owed her money and she was giving him a chance to pay her back slowly, but she told him he needed to pay her back everything asap. I also spoke to his kids mom, to me she didn't seem very upset, but she told me she was going to keep the kids home from now on. I guess we'll see what happens with her.

He decided to go back to rehab, he checked in today. It's very sad for me to say, but i don't see anything changing this time around either. We were staying at my grandmas, but when he comes out of rehab, he is no longer welcome there because yesterday, he was asking me for money and i wouldn't give him money. He was in our truck and i was holding on to the door talking to him and when i told him i wouldn't give him money unless he proved to me that he was using it for gas, he got mad and sped off as i was holding on to the door. I was unaware that my grandfather was standing at the window watching the whole thing, he was very angry and both him and my grandma told me he is no longer welcome there. I told him and i let him know it would be better for him to go to his moms when he gets out and for us to take some time and get some space.

We have a daughter together and i set my boundaries and told him that he can only have supervised visitations with her and it would be on my terms and my time and only if he can show me proof that he is keeping up with the program such as doing out patient, going to meetings, etc. I don't like to do this to him, but i need to do what's best for me and my daughter. I only hope that his ex feels the same way about their kids.

Thank you all for your advice
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Posted: August 6, 2018, 8:16 PM


Posts: 171
Joined: November 16, 2017



Les,

Thank you for the update. This all sounds very healthy, and like you are on the right path for you and your daughter. I am glad you have the support of your grandparents.

The desperation over needing money/drugs can cause really reckless, dangerous behavior. I am glad you have made the decision to move on. You sound like a very strong, level-headed woman. Take care of yourself and keep posting. It really does help to share!!
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