I Need Advice Now
Posted: June 16, 2018, 7:05 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: June 16, 2018



Sigh.....
Where do I start? We just discovered 3 weeks ago that our grandson is using cocaine. He is living with us and going to college....works part time. Is basically a wonderful young man except he is dealing with the abandonment of his father. We are his grands and would do anything in the world for him. He fessed up when I found the bic pen with white residue in it. He was more than willing to go to a recovery program at our church and was doing SO well. The change was amazing.....until yesterday. He came home from work tired and a bit angry. Took a shower, had a bite and said that he was going out to the vape store. He’s grounded so asks when he can go somewhere. I said ok but come right back. He returned home and I immediately noticed his upbeat attitude and his pupils were slightly dialated....went to work today and this evening he is completely wiped out. I’m assuming that’s a crash? All of this is new to me but I’m researching everything to death!!! We talked about it, I lovingly asked if he has used since we found out and he said, “no....I’ve only been using it for a month.” Ugh.....what is it that we are to do? We need to help him immediately. His “counselor” from the recovery group texted me and said that he hadn’t heard from M and had left him a message. I’m worried that he’s using again. I am begging for any advice you can give me. We’ll try anything to help this young man. Thanks.
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Posted: June 17, 2018, 10:34 AM


Posts: 30
Joined: March 11, 2018



I think I can give you some input since I have a teen daughter in recovery. I'm very new to this process as well, but I've learned a great deal in a short time. Her grandmother is beside herself too. It's been a tremendous struggle for our family. If there's one thing I've learned about addiction and recovery is you can't try to control it or the addict. They have to want treatment, and they have to be committed to their own recovery. It's going to seem counterintuitive, but you are going to have to let him face the consequences of his addiction with a hands off approach. He may lose his job. He may be criminally charged for possession. He may be on the street before it's all said and done, and it's heart breaking. I highly recommend that you attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings in your area so you can learn not to enable your grandson. Sooner or later, he's going to ask for money, and he'll be very convincing about why he needs it. If you give him money, you are only prolonging his recovery.

Next, you're going to have to implement boundaries. We told our daughter, "this is a sober house. If you live here, you must be sober. The house closes at 11:00 pm. If you are not inside by that time, you'll need to stay somewhere else that evening." You don't have to drug test an addict because they can't hide it long. When they are using, they'll spin out of control and won't be able to function. My daughter ended up asking for a treatment program out west. We agreed to pay for it, this time. She relapsed out there on heroin. It was the first time she had ever used that drug, and it's only going to be harder now for her to recover. She's in detox as I write, and we'll see what happens.

I can't run to my daughter's rescue. I told her she got herself into this relapse, she can get herself out. She found a free clinic, and she knows we will pay for no more treatment, though we will support her emotionally. She was able to get on medicaid in that state and she'll be able to get her treatment without us going bankrupt.

I hope this helps. It's going to be very difficult for you to allow your grandson to fall all by himself. That's the theme of this message board--"Let me fall all by myself." Here's the link to this incredible post: https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=22&t=66980

This may be a long ride, but you have to take care of yourselves. Please reach out to Narcotics Anonymous and start learning about this terrible disease.
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Posted: June 17, 2018, 2:14 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: June 16, 2018



Dear JoinTheClub.....

Thank you a million times over for your heartfelt response. You’ll never know how much I appreciate it. I will definitely check into the organization you recommended. I forgot to mention that he’s in a 12 step Recovery program at our church and is more than willing to attend. I’ll keep praying for all of our lost loved ones. This is an amazingly difficult road to go down...for everyone.
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Posted: June 18, 2018, 7:57 PM


Posts: 1564
Joined: June 27, 2016



here is a website that has a lot of information. https://www.narconon.org/blog/drug-a...its-addict.html
over the past year I have posted helpful links in the General/Miscellaneous board

my son has been able to work full time and hide his addition very well for the past 5 years. 5 years ago we figured it out. Told him to leave. he got job in another state. left. since then there has been 3 rehabs, 3 car accidents. he is always broke, not paying bills, asking for $$. clean for 4 months, not for 12 months, repeat. he came home a year ago. he was into the party as soon as the plane landed. we have chased his tail for a year. confronted him. always denial. worked full time until October. then life started falling apart. part-time jobs. unemployment. we kept thinking he would get tired of it. lived at a gfriends house most of the time. never left any evidence of drug use. we trick ourselves into thinking it cant be too bad, he goes to work, etc...

he again got to the point of loosing everything, had an arrest, accident w dads car. FINALLY for a few weeks he was trying to quit. he could not. the insomnia and mood swings were too much. FINALLY he said he needed to go somewhere to detox. LUCKILY I was prepared and brought him to the hospital detox/rehab. (must enter thru emergency room and be evaluated - he was ready - he had to stay at a stabilization center for one night before being admitted) It took me two weeks of telling him that is what he had to do before he surrendered.

I feel like he was living in a black hole for a year. He did not have the ability to see what he was doing and how it was affecting his life and his family. He even told me - "Thanks for ruining my life" -- in the weeks before detox - while he lost his gf (who helped him become addicted - I am still not sure what is going on with her - he thought she was helping him), lost the car bc it broke down and we did not have another to give him, got arrested while sleeping in his car w pill bottles in open view, lost his job. (YUP that was MY fault - lol)

This is truly a heartbreaking disease. We all fight it differently. My only regret is that we were not firm enough to put an end to it over the past year. I know we tried, talking, doing, helping, he always denied it. the only thing we did not do was to take the car away. IF we did he would have been correct that we made him loose his job..... BUT - my husband felt that going to work was better than not going to work and we just prayed he would snap out of it. I wish we took the car away.

since January I had been seeing a therapist for myself at a local recovery center with the goal of getting my son to go to a therapist there. Every time I had the opportunity I said "Go to the recovery center" Finally he has. But I wish it was sooner before the arrest. but he did not see that he was doing anything wrong, until he went to detox.

Now he is going to meetings, therapist, doctors - he has a lot of years to unravel. he is positive and calm and patient and talking. Unfortunatly this is still costing us - he is not working now - waiting to see what happens in court - cost for gas to go to meetings and appointments. cost for copays for dr's… he does have some underlying illness - has insomnia - can not sleep without meds - luckily the dr's put him on very mild med for sleep.

If your grandson goes to any dr - be sure it is someone who is an expert in addiction and recovery. My son did start going to dr for anxiety and back pain, the dr gave him heavy duty sleep meds and kolonopin and Adderall. Just what the addict ordered! Unbelievable!

Good Luck - be as firm as you can be. tell him he will have to live elsewhere or not drive the car.... get creative and use something for leverage to get him to do what you want - and let him be responsible for himself - as JoinTheClub says - don't do anything for him that he should be doing for himself.

We had paid for rehab in the past - once with insurance and once out of pocket. this time we said we are not paying for anything. he has government basic insurance and will use the public defender.

It is a tight rope walk. keep reading, keep writing, keep at it.



This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on June 18, 2018, 8:02 PM
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Posted: June 18, 2018, 9:44 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: June 16, 2018



Dearest NYtoFla,

As I was reading your post my heart was just breaking for you/us. How I wish you and I could just sit down for a cup of coffee. We too have been helping him in any way that we can. Gson said that he was using for one month only. That much I do believe because I watch him very closely and that’s about the time I started to see the change and do as much research as I possibly could.

He just got home from his recovery meeting and is in a very good way. It’s during the middle of the week where I see the difficulty creeping in. He’s cut ties with everyone from this area because they were all using something or another so that has him down. He’s an introvert until he gets to know you. You’d never know it by looking at him....big guy, quick to smile, etc.

How I wish I could take his pain away that he feels for a man who doesn’t deserve the name “dad.” He was a deadbeat, left....came back 5 years later and then left for good.

I have so many stories about all of the people in gson’s life that have loved the kid beyond the moon and back. Guess it just never replaced the abandonment scars. We’ll have to deal with that sooner than later. Some say to just let him be....to walk away and let the chips fall where they may. We cannot and will not do that. We’re a family and as a family we’ll get through it. Perhaps it would be different if he was much older. I don’t know. For now we’re kind of ok.

I so appreciate your response and would love to hear from you again. I will be praying for you and your family...
Blessings.....
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Posted: December 18, 2018, 11:47 PM


Posts: 6
Joined: December 18, 2018



Hi
I have two daughters, 14 and 9. When I started using I only did it when they were gone. But I started to notice I was asking family to watch them more and more. So I called there fathers asked them to take care of them so I could get better. Ended up taking 3/4 yrs my nine yr old still worships me for lack of better words but my 14 yr old told me she sees a psychiatrist for stress and abandonment issues. It broke my heart. She understands why I sent them to there grandparents I’m there mom my job is to make sure there happy, safe, and protected from me as hard as that is. My 14 yr old understand a lot but she uses terminology I would expect for me to say these thing. I had a melt down because of a texts. What hurt the most was she was totally write. She says it’s gonna take time but now that I’m sober I want them back. I’m not stirring the pot with them I’m going on the grandparents rules it’s very hard to watch them disaplin to get huge hugs like used to get but I did it to myself and them and for me to get upset I have no right to just step up to be there mom now that I’m ready and she knows that she tells me that. It would be so selfish of me to swoop in because I need and want them. Last night my oldest says you can’t live in the past nothing u can do but make a better future. I don’t need another friend or sister of grandparent I need my mom. Some very powerful stuff.

I balled my eyes out. She says she doesn’t trust that I’ll go back into her life and leave again and hope it will change I just need u to be patient she says this to me! Ugh. Well my question for you or anyone. I want to write her a letter to apologize not tell her how I feel which is hard but she deserves to be happy. How do I start to explain what’s acceptable? Pls I want to explain but not to damage her?
Hope this makes sense.
Thx
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Posted: December 19, 2018, 2:49 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Mandy,
I think she's telling you what she needs right now. I think if you want to write her a letter it would be best (in my opinion) to tell her you respect how she feels and you understand why she doesn't trust you and you're very sorry for how your addiction has affected her life. Tell her you love her very much.

Congratulations on your sobriety Mandy. As you continue to live your life in a positive manner she will see you are being responsible and actually living a better life now. Trust takes time to rebuild and in time she will come around as you continue forward in your sobriety. I wish you and your daughters all the best.
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Posted: December 19, 2018, 10:45 AM


Posts: 375
Joined: October 25, 2016



My son started using drugs almost 25 years ago. You are absolutely doing the right thing coming down hard right away. Sometimes you can turn them around. Dont make excuses for him or try to rationalize about his drug use. He was tired, depressed, lonely, etc. Doing that only allows you to let them slide. You so badly want to believe everything they tell you. In the beginning, I thought my son would eventually outgrow it. Ha!

Sounds like your grandson needs some middle of the week activities with people that don’t use drugs. Maybe volunteer at an animal shelter or with an animal rescue group. Young persons church group. Join a gym. Not sure what would work for him. I would be very suspicious of a vape store. I drove my son to one a couple of times only to find out he was buying synthetic marijuana there. That is really bad stuff!

Find out all you can about how to handle the situation. Sounds to me like he is still a pretty good boy. Working, going to school, trying to quit, respecting your grounding him. Mine would have told me I had no right to ground him. Seems like your grand still wants to do the right thing. Work hard on it now before he turns into someone else. Just don’t believe everything he tells you. They can be very convincing.

Don’t pay fines or bail him out if he gets into drug related trouble. He has to experience the consequences. You would be doing him no favors to rescue or protect him because he needs to learn now and not later when things are much worse.

Maybe a personal counselor would help him. I am not sure what kind of recovery group he is attending. I did want to express my opinion of court ordered NA groups ... it seems like no one actually wants to be there and it a good place to meet other addicts of like mind. I think they are useless. I am sure some groups are better than others.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on December 19, 2018, 11:22 AM

--------------------
BUGS
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Posted: December 19, 2018, 4:40 PM


Posts: 323
Joined: November 16, 2017



Yes, I have become very suspicious of vape stores, myself. Can be a front for other things for sure.
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Posted: December 21, 2018, 12:05 AM


Posts: 6
Joined: December 18, 2018



Thanks for your help. And the best wishes. I can’t help but feel like I screwed up so bad that she is gonna hate me regardless. I hate that I’ve hurt her this is very hard. Do you think I should write her?? I was thinking of apologizing for everything but can’t help thinking if I disclose all of my wrong doings she could get worse if some things she didn’t know about sorry hope that made sense. We used to be so close help me pls what do i do.
Thx mandy
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Posted: December 21, 2018, 3:17 AM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



In my opinion Mandy, I think one of the hardest things in life is to forgive ourselves. You have to forgive yourself. You can not change the past. You can only change today and the future. If you choose to write a letter, it should focus on her and her pain, not yours. To write about you and all the details of your addition would be too much for her and unnecessary. Think and live positively and in time she may come around.



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Posted: December 21, 2018, 11:32 PM


Posts: 1564
Joined: June 27, 2016



I agree w sallyanna. Do not tell her of all your regrets. She probably does not know about half of it. My son has been saying the 'right things' for a long time. This year he went to rehab, had 3 sober months, then relapsed. All while insisting he isn't doing anything wrong. Recently said he was going to pay his bill, give me $ to pay me back and to hold for him, start fixing up a truck. yet his paychecks come and go with out an interest in doing these things.
Conclusion - Actions speak louder than words.

Write a list of short list of what you think a good mom looks like. Make one change each month.

using my son as an example - he acts like he's doing everything right and the harder he tries he still gets yelled at, and nothing he does is good enough.... We don't even have high expectations. We know recovery takes time. We would be over joyed if he got his stuff off our plate financially. such as - getting his own phone, paying his own car ins, making a decision and following thru regarding reliable vehicle. paying his cred cards and student loans. stopping at the supermarket for food that he wants. and hang around and participate with the family.

Instead he has been out every night. does not save anything, does not pay anything, but whatever he does on friends and drugs. now Christmas coming, of course he has no $ left. Oh, he did give me $100 after his dad screamed at him. but its not his fault. 'gas costs too much'

two weeks ago he did look like he was doing better, but nope, as soon as he got a paycheck, he is back to the same stuff. (he was out of work for a month)

From a parents point of view, I would like to see him sober for a year before I really believe it.

I hope this helps, and I hope I did not offend you or drone on about my son too much.

You are still their mom and can act like it, even if you do not have custody.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on December 21, 2018, 11:34 PM
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Posted: December 22, 2018, 12:21 AM


Posts: 323
Joined: November 16, 2017



Yes, I think the best way is to show her. Just be there and be sober, as you are. She needs some extended time of seeing you there for her. I know it is tough, easier said than done, but try to enjoy each moment for the moment. No expectations or labels about what is going on or what your brain is saying, 'should' be going on. Eventually, she will learn to depend on you as you gain her trust back. And, be easy on yourself. It is hard to go through past wrongs without beating ourselves up. You are doing what you need to do today and that is enough. Stay strong and confident in your path. Hugs.
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Posted: February 6, 2019, 7:52 PM


Posts: 6
Joined: December 18, 2018



Thank you everyone for the responses I apologize it took so long I couldn’t figure out how to get back here. It hasn’t been very long since I’ve wrote that and already things have started to get better. It’s hard not to just cry or scream and say I’m better I love you I want you back. I almost got that far when she stopped me and said stop calling me and trying to make me feel guilty by your mistakes. You f***ed up mom not me stop looking to the past and prepare for the future. I don’t need a friend I don’t need another grandparent I need my mom.

And wow did I put my foot my mouth she’s 14 yrs old and I had no idea what to say next besides
I’m so sorry your right. After that I couldn’t stop thinking about how bodily she did suffer for her to be this mature. We had our first 1 hr conversation two days ago in 4 yrs. I’m so blessed to have both my girls. I will do everything in my power to never go back to addiction I’ve got1 year and month now and did my first hair follicle yesterday got two more to go.
I do have one more quest for any parent or whom ever what can I do to prepare for courtto get custody back or atleast unsupervised visits and tips classes or just anything I can do to look even better in court??
Again thank you all so much it mean a lot I finally really do feel that I’m doing goofd .
God bless
Mandy
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Posted: February 6, 2019, 9:17 PM


Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018



Thank you Mandy for the update. I'm happy you are doing well and keep up the great work! Be proud of yourself and keep looking forward...life is a gift : ) treasure it.
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Posted: February 6, 2019, 10:48 PM


Posts: 1564
Joined: June 27, 2016



Good to hear things are getting better. Congrats on 13 months sober! try not to be impatient. two steps forward and stay there a while. do not rush. it will back fire. slow and steady wins the race. thank the grandparents for being available for your kids. be grateful you have this time to work on yourself. it is a big deal to be able to get to all of the meetings, court stuff, etc... and have patience to wait between appointments.... I know it sounds easy for the rest of us. It is not easy for those who are doing it. keep it going one day at a time.

I don't know anything about courts and custody.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 6, 2019, 10:50 PM
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Posted: February 7, 2019, 12:07 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



Dear Heartbroken, these parents have given you some really sound advice & shared their stories. They have with me too! I'm so happy I found this page 2 months ago.

My son is in his 40's & has been an addict for at least 20 years. He was somehow able to hold down a fantastic job for 12 years until 2015 when he was in an accident in a company truck & was required to take a drug/alcohol test. Work sent him to a 90 day rehab (this was at least his 3rd rehab) and he did well, for well over a year he was clean. He was also on probation at work for 1 year, lost his seniority & was required to drug test when ever they told him to.

When he got out of his 90 day rehab, we knew he'd have problems because he didn't follow up with a sponsor, meetings or any aftercare offered. But he stayed clean until his 1 year probation was up & then he got cocky. I think he started contacting old "friends" by the end of 2016 he was getting a horrible attitude at work & things were getting squirrelly again. My the end of 2017, he was not coming around much, his grandma was dying & we couldn't get him to come see her & we knew. May 2018 - CRASH & BURN!!!! Weird behavior caused his room mate to move, he couldn't afford house on his own, moved in with new girlfriend, tested dirty, lost job.......

So here we are - he doesn't think he has a problem, he knows what he needs to do but choose not to..... he can't live with us & his brothers won't let him move in with them. He will call when his GF catches him using or wants to break up, he'll call crying & threatening suicide or will tell us he's homeless.

I have the number & addresses of 24/7 walk in crisis centers & their 800 #'s for when he calls again. We will not give him anymore money because we were burned BIG TIME earlier this year.... But thanks to the parents who are willing to share here, we now understand that he has to decide to help himself. I don't know how we would handle it if he was a teen. I'm so sorry you (and all of us) are going thru this.
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Posted: February 7, 2019, 12:16 AM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



Mandy - just continue to go slow. Your 14 y/o sounds so smart! You must be so proud - 14 is a tough age for girls (and boys) so go slow with getting your custody back. Consider how she feels too. Speaking as a parent of an addict, I don't trust him & I don't trust his ability to stay clean. But I can tell you when he's clean, I LOVE to be around him. Your kids are scared & they have to learn to trust again.

I'm so glad that you are seeing things getting better!! Best of luck!
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Posted: February 8, 2019, 5:18 AM


Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016



I just wanted to mention that nar-anon is the family branch of narcotics anonymous. Narconon, which is linked in a post above is a branch of Scientology. Some of their articles are ok, but I have found most of them to be completely inaccurate. They are known to pray on the desperate, so be careful with providing any identifying information to them.
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Posted: February 8, 2019, 12:02 PM


Posts: 201
Joined: December 23, 2018



I did too Lolleedee!! I closed that page as soon as I realized it was Scientology based!!! They started an online chat to "assist" me..... NOPE!
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