Both My Mother And My Only Adult Son Are Addicts.
Posted: April 17, 2018, 1:05 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: April 11, 2018

Both my mother and my only child who's in his 30s now are addicts.
I get it on both ends. I feel like I've never had a childhood, and never had a life of my own. It never occurred to me that my own mother was an addict. I thought having a parent that slept all day, and sent me and my brother on errands to borrow money from relatives (then us when we were old enough to work) was normal. Both me and my brother left home young. Now my son who's in his 30s, my only child is an addict. Same things like my mother, calling and bothering for money. He used to hold down a job to support his habit, now he does not even do that. He's been kicked out of every place he stayed. Him and my mother lived together (out of state, thank god) and EVERY week had some crisis to where they needed money. I was working two jobs. The more I sent, the more they wanted. What I don't understand is my brother and I never did drugs, do not even drink. Never kept anything like that in the house. We always held down jobs, paid our bills, and tried to live a nice, uneventful life. My mother is more awful than my son. She's like a big child. She called my brother when he was getting dinner and a cheap chinese take out, and said to him "It's nice you're eating at restuarnts, while we are STARVING over here! My brother was smart enough to cut her out years ago. My mother tells everyone how my brother and I are awful kids, who do ''nothing" to help her. Never mind that I"ve sent her thousands of dollars for her weekly crisis, of "gas getting shut off" or "please buy me cable, I'm so bored" or "please can you help me with my percriptions this month". EVERY week, always something. Her and my son both. She made me some of my family members hate my brother and I, telling them we never help her because we couldn't take it anymore. My brother is 40, and I'm older than that even. I wonder when my life will start. Heck, it's halfway over. I'm happy I at least have my brother in this life. If I was an only child in this, I'd have commited suicide years ago. I wonder if this can be a genetic thing, being my son and my mom, (he moved in with her when he was 22 years old, I raised him, not her), are so much alike this way.
Posted: April 17, 2018, 3:59 PM

Posts: 1101
Joined: June 27, 2016

Welcome, you have found the right place to share your stories. We have all been there and done that and are still dealing with variations of our loved ones behavior. It is consuming, exhausting, and so on. ditto what you say about having your own life. my husband and I are on the fence. we have had enough of 'helping' our son - about 5 years. we keep doing it because we still hold on to hope that he will become independent. BUT we have a limited time in mind. We have put up boundaries and are going to spend the next 6-12 months moving ourselves in our own direction - to save our sanity and prepare for a possible relocation. so we are still trying to steer our son, but not kidding ourselves either. and we have spent too much time and resources already. I find my husband and I are 'Do'ers' -- oh, something broken, fix it! it is hard for us to not DO. we are slowly learning our lessons with one foot in and one foot out of this addiction circus.

The only thing I can say is to minimize your communication with them. Detach. Go to a therapist who has addiction/recovery background for yourself, go to naranon meetings so you can vent and express your thoughts, real live support. It will be motivating to mentally move on when you have a goal in sight. And when you give yourself permission.

set your own limitations on what you are giving them and say - that's it, that's all I have you have taken everything else. they WILL keep taking even when YOU are on the street! write notes regarding what you want to respond to them so you have the right words handy. Start being too busy to take the call. make it up... can't talk, I'm driving, I'm at work, I'm at the therapist, Doctor, meetings, wait a few hours to respond. 'I can not do that this week, maybe next week" tell them to go to shelter, food pantry, social services.

Start dreaming of how you want YOUR life to look. start working towards that. put yourself first.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 17, 2018, 4:26 PM
Posted: April 18, 2018, 6:47 PM

Posts: 1101
Joined: June 27, 2016

LOL - had to respond some more... when my son lived out of state I got those calls - "i'm starving", When he was homeless and I said it was late I need to go to sleep. he would say 'must be nice'. now he is living close to home. mostly lives at gf house. he is working. payck lasts 3 days - then starves for the weekend, and then I give $60 to start the week. has always said he spends on take out food, gas and cigs. wont go into a grocery store. exaggerates that he spends 50 per day just to go to work. hell, its costing ME for him to go to work! It is the 'shell game' with the money. what money, where did it go. idk. it just went. receipts? never. he does not make much at the moment, but it could last a week if he was not spending on the street. which he consistently denies. never a break in the story. hey I just thought of something. when ever I want him to do something that he does not want to comply, he avoids me and does not answer phone, hides. think of something they (your son and mom) don't want to hear, and keep saying it. something like - send me a pic of the receipt or bill. we put up with them being A-holes - WE need to be the A-hole. I talk a good talk, but am still stuck in the mix.

I am between jobs, my husband may transfer to job that is far enough away that it gives us a good reason to down size, sell the house and rent an apartment. I am going to start my job search in that area. we want to down size anyway. this is giving us a good reason.

I should ask my son to help me pack or clean out basement and take his belongings - probably wont see him for months! LOL

Posted: April 19, 2018, 11:04 AM

Posts: 101
Joined: August 29, 2015

There's got to be a better way to control where your money is going....

-Maybe your/his local supermarket sells gift cards...that way he HAS to use it there.

-My son has a replenishable (I believe) credit card which he can put money on. This might work well if your son has a drug addiction since I can't believe a drug dealer would accept payment in this form. If his addiction is alcohol he can still use it at a supermarket I believe which might not be a good thing.

-I know that at the larger supermarket chains they have kiosks where they have available all sorts of gift cards (for Starbucks etc.) which can be used at only those might want to see which chains they have gift cards available for.

-I wonder if gas stations don't have their own gift cards.

Just some ideas

Posted: April 19, 2018, 10:20 PM

Posts: 87
Joined: November 16, 2017

Just my 2 cents. Maybe I should not write this, but these are my thoughts. Please take them for what it is worth in your scenario, as this only my flawed opinion.

These people are way old enough to take care of themselves and they are showing you zero respect. You owe them nothing.

I would cut them both out of your life and try to move on. Like you said, you have had enough years of babysitting and being manipulated. I would try to move towards healthy family members, get intense counseling on where you want to go from here, and free yourself from this vicious cycle.

Like I said, reading this as an objective person, they have major problems and are suffering in their own way. But, you can do nothing for them, and unfortunately they are being rude, disrespectful and adding nothing to your life. When was the last time they asked how you were? Or if you needed anything?

It makes me mad just reading this. You deserve some peace and freedom from this craziness. Big hugs.
Posted: April 20, 2018, 10:55 AM

Posts: 101
Joined: August 29, 2015

Thanks Parenting 2...Best post I've read in this forum for awhile. :-)
Posted: April 20, 2018, 10:50 PM

Posts: 728
Joined: October 5, 2015

Hi AB. ...I’m sorry to read how your being treated by your mother and your son. I would stop having any contact with them and change your phone number. If he gets no help from you maybe he will learn how to take care of himself. I feel so bad for you and your brother having to grow up the way you did. I would do what your brother did and leave them to fend for themselves. You didn’t say what their drug of choice is? We only go through this life once. Think of the years that’s already been stolen from us or wasted because of drugs. Think of yourself now and start having a life that makes you happy and don’t let these two take anymore of your time. Good luck to you and take care of yourself. Mary.
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