On Drugs Still Or Just Mentally Impaired?
Posted: February 10, 2018, 12:56 PM


Posts: 510
Joined: August 28, 2016



My 47 y/o son with meth addiction, and who knows what else, had his 47th birthday Feb. 8th and I texted him "Happy Birthday". He text back--" I am living in the woods in the middle of nowhere in a leaking old non-running Rv with no electric or water. I haven't eaten in a week and I am walking in the woods looking for water. I can't think straight anymore."

I didn't respond, but as you moms know it tears at our heart strings!

My question is-- he sounds clear and he hasn't been cussing me out or wishing us dead, but he is sounding very depressed. Of course, who wouldn't be in his situation! How do I know if he is still using or just really hit bottom??? I wouldn't do anything different either way except keep telling him to go to a shelter and to do so ,he has to give up his 2 dogs. He won't do that and said would die first. I guess there isn't anyway to tell, so have probably answered my own question while writing this post--lol!

Either way drugs are what has gotten him in this predicament. Sure was nice for the 6 months I had no contact with him and had some peace in my life! I feel sad for feeling that way, but it was so necessary! Now that he contacts us again and we allow it, I find myself getting anxious when the texts come or phone rings. I know it will be the same old story or something worse.

Seems like this addiction nightmare will never have an end!

Lori
  Top
Posted: February 10, 2018, 3:23 PM


Posts: 331
Joined: October 25, 2016



People say there is help for our adult children that is available if they ask. I haven't seen any of it! Maybe it is because they don't want to ask or maybe they don't know who to ask. I have thought many times that my son is unable to take care of himself. Maybe they have brain damage from using drugs or maybe they have mental problems that cause them to use drugs. I have run out of ideas and resources. I wish I had a suggestion for you. I can relate to the sorrow. The only thing you could do, other than let him find his own way, would be to help him. That means either he lives with you or you pay for a place for him. Maybe you could volunteer to keep the dogs if your son goes to rehab. When we have provided money, rent, food, it has been never ending. Our sons DOC is Meth. Bad stuff and they can't seem to stay away from it. Maybe your son isn't using since his situation is so bad. Mine has used other equally bad things if he has money. Unfortunately no money means no food and no shelter and no chance of work. Vicious cycle! I don't think there are any answers. It can drive you to despair and make you crazy. It was better when you were able to distance yourself from his problems but that always seems to be temporary.

--------------------
BUGS
  Top
Posted: February 10, 2018, 6:48 PM


Posts: 171
Joined: November 16, 2017



Unfortunately, I am back in a similar boat.

My son appeared to be really, amazingly well for @ 1.5 months. The whole thing is collapsing. The judge ordered that he live with us until he is 20. I thought this was extreme, but when he was doing well, I was okay with it. Now, I am wondering if they can legally really do that? He is 18, so it seems like they cannot order us to keep him until then.

I will be honest---we had a month of amazing contact and bonding. He seemed normal. But, because of that, I can't take another a go-round. I literally am aware of my own limitation and I feel like I will have a nervous breakdown if I go through this again.

I feel horrible, but I just CANNOT have him in my house. I cannot do it. I could tell when he started using, because the s***ty attitude, disrespect came right back-bam!

I wonder the same things. He seems completely unable to function in real-life. I have no idea why. He cannot see consequences, and does not seem to understand logic. He actually has himself convinced that the judge would not care if he occasionally smokes pot, as long as he gets home by curfew. I look at him when he talks to me, and I seriously question whether he has brain damage. His thinking is so messed up and not realistic. He almost has a magical-like thinking that he can't be caught. He also projects thoughts onto other people that are in no way reality. Plus, he lies and lies and lies...constantly. Even when he was clean he would do this.

I feel for all of you. And, also our kids. But, in the end, we cannot help. It does zero good.

I am torn right now, because I really feel I have to tell him to move out. And, it is going to kill me to do it. I got nothin' left, so to speak. I feel almost desparate to get a break from this situation.
  Top
Posted: February 10, 2018, 8:12 PM


Posts: 732
Joined: October 5, 2015



I’m sad for us all what we go through. Bugs..I so agree with everything you wrote. Your dead right. We get told there’s help out there for them but if they don’t have health insurance then what and where do they go? The majority have no jobs, no money. The no money always seems to keep their phones on and they still manage to get drugs with no money. If they were hungry enough I think they would find food as easily as they find drugs. I just don’t believe them when they say their hungry anymore. I don’t think they have any interest in food. It’s the money for food they want. If it would make you feel better Duch make him up sandwiches and arrange to give him them. If he’s not eating who is feeding the dogs? Parenting...I’m so sorry if your sons gone back to using drugs. Sometimes it takes more than one stint in rehab for them to be drug free. I hope things get better for all. Take care. Mary.

This post has been edited by Mandm on February 10, 2018, 8:14 PM
  Top
Posted: February 11, 2018, 12:31 PM


Posts: 171
Joined: November 16, 2017



it is tough stuff. I do think they need to get out on their own. It is not normal to beg parents for money as an adult. And, not healthy.

We cannot afford another in-patient stay. He will have to use the resources he has-meetings, sponsor, counselor. He has lots of potential help, if he reaches out.

We are giving him the choice. He is welcome to stay with us if he wants to get better. If he wants to keep going in the lifestyle, we are going to ask probation to make other living arrangments. We gave him 4 days to think about it and let us know. :( So sad.
  Top
Posted: February 11, 2018, 5:34 PM


Posts: 45
Joined: December 25, 2017



Duchesschama; really sorry you have gone through this for so long. Its so frustrating knowing that whatever help you give only gives them more opportunity to use drugs.

My son is at home with us and although i know he is not coming to harm on the street i still wish he didnt live here but i now realise why he lost everything; he is a 27 year old man child totally incapable of holding down a normal life.

Parenting2; i think we both have exactly the same son! If you ever get a diagnosis for your son please let us know.
  Top
Posted: February 12, 2018, 2:21 AM


Posts: 1246
Joined: June 27, 2016



hello all, I have been coming to the same conclusion. my husband and I have been putting $20 band-aids on our son, thinking he will snap out of this addiction. now he is over medicated by the drs he is seeing, prescription meds. of course his choice to take the meds - that's what he wanted. now he is still miserable and does not see that the meds are making him this way. he does not see the obvious. he is stuck in the cycle of addiction. and we are stuck trying to steer him at arms length. I have a 28 yr old toddler that I can not get thru to. we have a nice conversation - when he needs $$. otherwise he avoids us. time for a new plan. idk what that is - setting clear boundaries. I can not believe how this has swallowed us up for so many years. everything you all have said is the same here. I wish I could detach and take a break (dutchess) but I can not do that when he is living 5 mi away, driving my car, and his job is hanging on by a thread. he does not see consequences or plan farther than a few hours ahead. I know the only solution is for him to actively seek recovery. I would like to move - a monumental task - husband is not ready - we would still have the same son - just farther away.

  Top
Posted: February 12, 2018, 12:50 PM


Posts: 510
Joined: August 28, 2016



NY--

Unfortunately ,moving doesn't really get rid of the issues. We moved to a town almost 2 hrs. away and our son has no transportation to get to our home ,but I know he would hitch-hike if he wanted to come here. He also still texts or calls if he is really desperate for money. Yes-- that is the only time we hear from him-

The 6 month break was for me to regain my sanity and keep strong! It helped me immensely and made me more certain that he could survive without me always available and there at his beck and call! It made me more resilient and assured that I was indeed doing the right thing by not enabling him any longer! Do I still worry about his well-being and the outcome for his life? Absolutely--but I am reassured that I have no control over it! That 6 month break gave me my life back and now when he calls or texts I have little difficulty responding and letting go with love.

I know you will eventually do what is right for you and your son. I am praying for you to find the answers you need and some peace in your life!

(((HUGS))) Lori

  Top
Posted: February 13, 2018, 3:54 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: February 8, 2018



There does not seem to be an end to this cycle. I have told y 40 year old daughter that I need a break and so does her 11 year old daughter who I have legal guardianship over. I have been her only caregiver since birth. My daughter was somewhat clean for the last year but now she has once again gone off on a meth binge. I can't go through this again. I have reached the point where I just can't--the thought of bailing her out, putting up with the mood swings, wondering what she will do next makes me physically ill. My granddaughter loves her mom but doesn't want to see her.

Have any of you cut ties completely? I have looked for counseling or online support but the good ones are hard to find or expensive. I have also exhausted all of my resources as far as rehab for my daughter.

--------------------
Granny Doss
  Top
Posted: February 13, 2018, 6:07 PM


Posts: 331
Joined: October 25, 2016



Granny, my son uses meth. It is a crazy life and I thought if I had to live with it one more day I would die. I became scared of my son because his behavior became more and more out of control. We are currently not in communication with him at all. I have mixed feelings about that but I don’t think I could go back to the way it was before going no contact. There was nothing more we could do for him without destroying us.

--------------------
BUGS
  Top
Posted: February 13, 2018, 6:44 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: February 8, 2018



Thank you, Bugs. I have had police and facility doctors call and tell me that my daughter had walked out of treatment and that she had said she wanted to kill me a few years ago. She stolen from me and everyone else. It is hard this time because she kept a job for over a year and I had hope and her daughter had hope. It does destroy you. I am a point where I either choose myself and the rest of my family or let her addiction and actions kill me. Hearing from someone who knows what it is likes helps so much.

--------------------
Granny Doss
  Top
Posted: February 13, 2018, 9:41 PM


Posts: 510
Joined: August 28, 2016



Grannie--

We have very limited conversation or contact with our son after a 6 month no contact break. Nothing has changed and he only contacts us if he needs something. I simply say NO and I pray you can figure it out! I have gotten better at that since I had the break from him.

It becomes a matter of self preservation for us. If I had continued with him like before it would have been our demise and I have an elderly husband and a 16 y.o in a wheelchair to care for.

You have to do what is best for you and your grandchild because otherwise they will take you right down the path of destruction with them.

Stay strong and it is ok to sever the contact if that is what you need to do in order to survive or have a life.

((HUGS))) Lori
  Top
Posted: February 15, 2018, 12:39 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: February 8, 2018



I am so glad that I found this site. I felt so alone and didn't know which way to turn. I will always love my daughter but not the drug user. I don't know if a mental disorder caused the drug use or vice versa. It is so frustrating to continually hear that there is help but there really isn't unless you have lots of money.

--------------------
Granny Doss
  Top
Posted: February 18, 2018, 11:16 PM


Posts: 732
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi Grannie, I too have a daughter in her 30s and i also have a grandchild same age as yours that I’ve had since she was 2 yrs old. Like your child she loves her mother but has become afraid of her when she has shown up here drugged and trying to act sober. Many a time I’ve had to call the police. My grandchild is my top priority and I won’t let my daughter stay here and haven’t in a long time. They have been on drugs for such a long time that they no longer think like us but think like a drug addict would think. What’s important to us is no longer important to them when drugs are involved. I’ve had to leave my daughter to find her own way because I know she knows what she needs to do. I will see her once in awhile and let her daughter see her too but what is the most important thing to me now is making sure my grandchild has as happy a life as I can make for her. I know she’s secure in being brought up with me and her grandpa and she wants for nothing. She knows her mother struggles with drugs now because her mom acted too crazy once that there was no other way to explain it.She knows her mom loves her and her dad too but they just need to get better. She’s a very happy well adjusted kid....Thank God!! Good luck to you grannie. But there comes a time when enough is enough and you have to just put you and your grandchild’s life in the forefront and leave your daughter to sink or swim. You’d be surprised at how she might start straightening up if you do, mine is trying now. I know what you mean about getting no help. Some states have help but this one I’m in has nothing worth talking about it’s a disgrace!! One way out is the methadone program and that’s what my daughter is on now. Take care and I wish you well. Your a good grannie and your not alone. There’s so many of us now raising our grandchildren because of drugs. I hope the grandkids learn from it and stay away from doing drugs when their older. That’s our next worry. Stay strong Grannie, your doing a great job! God bless. Mary💜
  Top
Posted: February 19, 2018, 10:55 AM


Posts: 9
Joined: February 8, 2018



Thank you, Mandm. This forum has been my lifesaver for the past few days. I haven't heard from my daughter and neither has my granddaughter. Her biological father has never been in her life because he is also an addict and incarcerated most of the time. My granddaughter cannot understand how drugs can matter more than her. Her mother has been very (too) open with her and treats her as a friend instead of a daughter so she is aware of the drug use. I found out Friday that Madi (granddaughter) had scratched herself on her arm because she was so hurt about her mom. I hated my daughter at that moment. I have been to the meetings and listened to the addicts say how sorrow they are and they hate that they have hurt the people that they love. But most of them will hurt the people they love even more and again and again. Does anyone else just get mad?

--------------------
Granny Doss
  Top
Posted: February 19, 2018, 6:22 PM


Posts: 96
Joined: January 21, 2017



Granny, the short answer to your question, does anyone just get mad...Oh. He**. Yes. I dreamed the other night that my son brought his g/f back to town. I found her hiding under his bed, and dragged her out by the leg. I jumped on her and began to choke her, and I remember clearly thinking in my dream that I wanted her dead. It frightened me enough to get to a counselor. Rage simmers like an unwatched kettle....until it boils over. And it will, without someone to talk to...for both you and your Madi. Scratching herself is her cry for help, in my opinion. Please consider a counselor... my Isabel sees one, and it has given her the language to speak about her anger. Kids often do not want to hurt anyone else, or put added pressure on the adults in the mess. Loving their parent without feeling like it is reciprocated is very frightening for them. And yes, you hate your child sometimes. Hopefully we keep moving toward hating their actions, rather than the person. Just like loving the person, but not all their actions. Stay in touch, and please keep reaching out for any safe place to set this burden down. Libby
  Top
Posted: February 19, 2018, 6:37 PM


Posts: 9
Joined: February 8, 2018



Thank you, Libby. I have scheduled appointments for both of us. I have been upset, worried, anxious, and down on my knees a lot for the past 23 years. This intense anger is not normal for me but I have this child since she was 3 months old. I don't have time or energy to focus on daughter's issues at this point. Madi deserves and warrants my full attention. I retired last year from being a high school counselor. I know how hurt these children can be and how damaged they can become.

--------------------
Granny Doss
  top of page  Top