Our Use Of Cocaine Has Come To A Head
Posted: January 3, 2018, 8:03 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Hi there

This is my first post on this website, I hope I am in the right place and haven't inadvertently broken any rules!!

Myself and my partner occasionally dabble in cocaine - maybe once every 3 months we will get some and have a night out. Never too heavy. I thought it was fun and under control. He is always the one to supply it (I wouldn't have a clue)

Last week my partner disappeared for a couple of days, fell off the radar. I was so worried and sick because he has done this twice before and I told him if he did it again, I would end things.

When he eventually surfaced he admitted to having a cocaine problem and that he can't be around his friends any more as they all do it. He has said he will get professional help to come off it completely. He is disgusted with himself and his behaviour and has been apologising profusely.

I also don't ever want to take it again, maybe I also need some help? Although I don't think so... I honestly would be happy if I never saw another wrap in my life.

I have asked him to not contact me for the foreseeable future and that I am not sure I can trust him or if there is a way forward for us anymore.

I don't really want to break up with him, I love him dearly and want to help him. But I am angry with him and honestly have lost some respect and trust in him. Also I said I would leave if he did it again, and I think I need to see it through, even though I desperately don't want to. He is an amazing fella in all other respects and cocaine has only ever impacted badly on the three occasions he's done a disappearing act. He isn't moody and doesn't show any sign of being a bad addict otherwise.

Its crap because I probably wouldn't have even minded his binge if he'd have let me know he was alive...instead I am left thinking - what is he up to, who is he with, is he cheating, is he dead, injured, ODing? This episode has made me realise I do not want drugs in my life anymore AT ALL.

I don't know what to do and I don't know why I'm even posting. Hoping for some support or advice or handholding I guess. The other week we were talking about getting engaged and moving in together. Now this.

Thanks for reading
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Posted: January 3, 2018, 11:38 AM


Posts: 1161
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi - to make a long story short - do not become engaged or married at this time. Find yourself a recovery center and start out patient therapy - counseling or go to meetings. You will soon find out if you and your partner can walk away from the cocaine. It is a big money waster and life waster - get out of that life asap. read as much as you can about addiction, try SMARTreovery.org..... lots of good information. good luck in this new year!
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Posted: January 3, 2018, 8:55 PM


Posts: 135
Joined: November 16, 2017



Your post sounds very spot-on to me. You have to think of yourself and get yourself healthy.

A relationships break sounds very reasonable and healthy, also.

Good luck! Keep posting and sharing. Welcome to the site!
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 7:52 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Thank you both for replying

I do think we need to communicate about what happens next and I think I will arrange to meet him next Friday.

I am not sure how to handle our meeting - how to stay strong and resolute. He will probably tell me that he has sought professional help. I don't want to break up with him. But all the advice I've been reading says we shouldn't stay together, at least while getting help with the drug.

So how long is advisable? Also I am worried about what to tell friends and family. I will not tell them about this drug problem....I can't
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 8:33 AM


Posts: 85
Joined: January 21, 2017



Hello....just take your time, and be gentle with yourself. Since you have separate homes, you could take time away from one another with very few people knowing, right? For the ones that do ask, maybe a simple response about taking more "you" time in the new year. A very true statement!! You sound like a brave, insightful woman. It is not selfish to give yourself some breathing room, without the burden of worrying about your partner seeking help. I hope for his sake that he does...and for your sake that you seek your own healing. Keep posting....there are some incredibly kind, strong members for support!! Sending peace and strength, Libby
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 9:08 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Thank you Libby

Being on here and getting replies makes me feel so much less alone.

Yes I guess it will be fairly easy to hide the fact that we are having a proper break, for now. I will have to cancel a family event this weekend, I will just say he is unwell and can't attend. We have all recently had viruses, so this is believable!

I have arranged to meet him next week Friday. So I have time to construct in my head what I want to say to him. Right now I am all muddled. This forum is helping though, so if anyone reads this I would love to hear from you :) Any advice on how to handle our meeting, what to say, what attitude to have, where to do it??

Or even just a hello would do :)

Thanks all x
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 9:12 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Also maybe a bit random - but does anyone know anything about whatsapp? It is clear from my partner's whatsapp chat that he has either changed phones or reinstalled whatsapp (his security code has changed) - would you take this as a good sign (he wanted to delete all his drug mate's numbers by changing SIM) or that he is hiding something perhaps?

This is terrible - clearly I am suspicious of him now. How sad :(
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 11:21 AM


Posts: 135
Joined: November 16, 2017



Hi,

I think we all felt alone when we came here. I know I was at my wit's end, and almost into a fit of anxiety and depression. This site literally has been a life saver for me.

I don't know about the app. I have second-guessed myself over my son's behavior to the point I seem to draw a blank on anything like this. The fact is we will never know unless they want us to know. Drives me crazy! But, so true.

I would think about an in person meeting. Would it be better by phone, if you really a need a break? I don't know the answer, just asking.

The longer you stay with someone in addiction (or have a child with addiction), there is a risk of excusing bad behavior. Where I ended up with my son was SO bad. His behavior was SO bad and I had followed the slippery slope of getting used to really poor actions. Through this site and counseling and seeing a professional about abuse, I clearly see now that I must be clear about MY boundaries. I cannot control him, but I can control what I will accept.

I say all this, because I really hear some healthy comments from you. You don't want to be with someone that disappears. You don't want to be with someone you cannot trust. These are very accurate and healthy statements. There is a risk if you continue on the present path, that you will move your boundaries to accommodate his addiction.

Only you can decide what is best for you. Just listening to you---at this point, you KNOW what you deserve and need in a relationship. And, you know you have some things to work on. Ideally, in my opinion, the two of you need a break to work individually on getting healthy. I am not sure it is possible to keep going in a healthy way? You can let him know that you care and that you don't want to give up on the relationship, but have these strong boundaries about honesty, etc. Unfortunately, addiction leads to lying. So, he is going to have to want to stop and have a good chunk of time in recovery to be able to have a healthy relationship.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. Listen to that inner voice that is sticking up for your needs! Make it louder. : )
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 12:37 PM


Posts: 1161
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi - Find any kind of meeting for NarAnon, AlAnon, to get there before your meeting with your bf. the meeting will help you get your thoughts together.

What to tell him.... something close to the truth.... you realize the cocaine addiction, yours and his, is not something you want in your life. you are going to start going to NA or AA meetings and see an outpatient counselor. you would like him to join you, otherwise, you will need to take a break from your relationship....

Try to get information for meetings, recovery center, counselor and even go in and ask questions and make an appointment if able to .... so you have information and you are actively doing this -- which YOU DO NEED --- and you will not feel like you are lying.

Click thru the tabs above to see if you can find a government, community based recovery center in your area. there is no shame in getting help for yourself.

I just recently found a recovery center that has meetings and counseling for friends and family.
It takes time to get started - making appointments, intake info, insurance, etc.
So - get started ASAP!

Added bonus - if he knows you are seeking help for addiction - if he is not on board, he will probably avoid you - he may say he will meet you, or go to meetings bc he wants to be agreeable and he wants you to stay in good favor with him, and then he wont show up.

If in the future he wants to see you or needs something, you can say - I am going to a meeting - I can't do that for you now .... etc.

PS - living in separate housing is much easier. be sure to keep doors and windows locked and hide your valuables - anything you don't want stolen. invest in a locked strong box and a locking door knob for a closet door or bedroom

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 4, 2018, 12:46 PM
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 11:58 PM


Posts: 731
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi shelovesyouyeahyeahyeah, I think your a smart young lady and you have a good head on your shoulders. I applaud you for knowing what you were doing was dangerous and have taken the right steps and stopped. Drugs don’t just destroy you as a person but your family and people who love you get dragged along with it and it’s devastating. We are all mostly moms of addicts and we all have lost a part of ourselves because of our kids on drugs. It’s heartbreaking to watch your child get addicted. Don’t let this happen to your mom. I’m glad you’ve stopped although it doesn’t sound like you did cocaine much. Problem is though no one knows where that line between addiction and not addicted is ..it could have very well been your next try. I hope your boyfriend wants to get help and stop but you have to think carefully what’s best for you. If temptation is going to be around when he’s around then you should move on and away from all friends etc who do drugs too. Good luck to you. I wish you well. Mary.


This post has been edited by Mandm on January 5, 2018, 12:04 AM
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Posted: January 5, 2018, 12:06 AM


Posts: 731
Joined: October 5, 2015



An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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Posted: January 5, 2018, 6:02 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Oh my goodness, I have logged on this morning to find these wonderful, supportive, hugely helpful messages. I honestly cannot thank you enough.

If my mum ever found out about my dabble with drugs it would finish her. I am so sorry to hear from you mums who are going through such hard times with drugs and your children. It must be so heartbreaking, I can't even imagine. And you still find the time to reply to my messages. You are good people - thank you.

I am determined that I will never do drugs again. In the last 5 years I have completely quit weed and cigarettes, so I know I can do it. I have the right faculties and mindset...Like a previous poster said, I don't do it that much anyway, and would certainly not miss it. Thinking about a future where it doesn't feature is actually exciting and bright.

Someone suggested going to a meeting myself before meeting my partner (we have arranged for next Friday) - I think that is a brilliant idea, and something I will absolutely do. I want to go armed and ready, let him know how serious I am, that I also take responsibility for my own part in our enabling each other. I want to articulate exactly what I will and will not accept in a partner. I am not good with serious discussions face to face (or on the phone) - I get very flustered. So in this case knowledge is power.

I might use this forum as a platform to go through what I will say to him:

1) I don’t want to be with someone who disappears
2) I don’t want to be with someone who I cannot trust
3) I don’t want drugs in my life
4) I deserve to be treated with respect as an intelligent human being
5) I deserve to be told the truth
6) I need to see that he is actively seeking help to get clean

What do you all think? Anything I should change / add?

I want to ask to see his messages from the weekend he disappeared, just so I know he is being truthful to me about who he was with – am I entitled to do this or is this venturing into “crazy lady” territory?

Mary – I love that Cherokee teaching, thank you for sharing.
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Posted: January 5, 2018, 8:21 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Update - I found a meeting next Friday, the day we arranged to meet.

I told him I am attending the meeting, and he is welcome to join me, or he can meet me after. He said he would come. He also said:

"I’m missing you and feeling very ashamed of myself. I have done a lot research, had some very frank and honest chats with people and have made changes"

Is it advisable to attend the same meetings as partners? I hope I am not making a mistake in inviting him along. Any advice would be welcome xx
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Posted: January 5, 2018, 10:37 AM


Posts: 1161
Joined: June 27, 2016



shelovesyou - I think your points 1-6 are enough to start with. I would not go thru his phone messages, unless he wants you to. It is kind of in the past. and you are acting like the police or baby sitter. you don't want to set up yourself for that role.

the meeting is tricky bc NA or AA are for those who are trying to quit, NarAnon and Alanon are for family and friends of those who are trying to quit.

which meeting are you going to?

I do think both of you going to some meetings is a good thing - so you both hear and do the same things. doing something is better than nothing. you will have to go to meetings and see where you both fit in. you seem to fit in either meeting. going to NA or AA together would be ok as you both need the tools to quit . if it is too awkward to go together, you can then split up and go to separate meetings.

you can go to NarAnon or Alanon separately.

It is a challenge starting meetings or anything new. Idea - go to NA or AA meetings with him for a month and then see what is going on and adjust accordingly.




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Posted: January 5, 2018, 11:02 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Thanks for your thoughts NY

Its a NA meeting, open to all... So addicts and friends and family. It might be a good platform for us both to air certain issues in an open and safe space, and get others opinions on our situation.

I won't ask to see his phone then, as I don't want to adopt the police role! But I know myself... I won't feel satisfied until I know if he was lying about his whereabouts at the weekend. Is this something I just have to suck up and deal with? I'm not sure I can!!! I don't want to be all accusatory with him but there are things I need to know if he's lied about, so I can rule out other suspicions if you know what I mean?

Or do I just need to wipe the slate clean? I did that last time, and I built up my trust in him, only for it to be dashed again.
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Posted: January 5, 2018, 11:06 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Oh, it might be helpful to know I live in the UK so maybe the meetings are set up slightly differently x
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Posted: January 5, 2018, 10:24 PM


Posts: 1161
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hi - regarding trust, lying, etc... from experience it is too hard to tell what is a lie and what isn't. in my case, I believe I hear half truth. when a person is in active addiction it is too hard - crazy making - to try to verify everything they say, where they are, what they're doing, etc. they seem one step ahead. recently I thought my son took something from the house. we went 3 days of phone calls - return it - he didn't do it - etc. It turns out he didn't do it. I felt terrible for accusing him, but it was because of the lack of trust that my brain went there. we were greatly relieved when we figured out he didn't do it. but it consumed days of our time and thoughts. and left him with the sad feeling of being wrongly accused by his mother. but, maybe that incident will help him wake up to how his addiction is affecting everyone. my son is on the fence with his addiction. he seems to be trying harder to get out of it lately, but I still am not sure if I am being manipulated at times.

As someone else said in a previous post - when her son was in recovery, he would gladly hand over his phone or take a drug test. when he was in active addiction, he would not.

so, maybe, wipe the slate clean and pay attention to the present.

if he is using just a little, he may and may have been able to hide it.

you will know by your own instinct. follow your gut.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 5, 2018, 10:26 PM
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 1:44 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Thanks NY. I had a frank discussion with him this evening. He has been to 2 NA meetings and joined a recovery of line forum. He has also been back to church. He has spoken to each of his friends and told them he needs to step away from them. Some thought he was joking, others expressed a similar concern of their own lives.

He said he only ever uses when with me and when he's been on those other binges. Not a daily user... Which I do believe. So I think and hope that this should be a fairly okay journey. He said if he is out anywhere where there is cocaine, he will leave... Not in a huff and a puff, or in a strop, because he said he can't blame others for his addiction
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 1:51 AM


Posts: 23
Joined: January 3, 2018



Oops posted too soon!

He recognises that in this journey there will be times of solitude, and he is prepared and happy to go through this journey and hopes I will walk with him through it. But also understand that if I need to end things, that is what I should do for my own wellbeing.

He is full of remorse and guilt and apologies. But he says he had made the decision to never touch it again. No cheeky lines, no special occasions. Never again.

I am in two minds. He is doing and saying all the right things. But it's still early days. I have to safeguard myself and my own wellbeing. I want to stay with him and I am scared to stay with him. Argh!!!
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 10:16 AM


Posts: 1161
Joined: June 27, 2016



He sounds honest to me. Go to meetings together for a while and be on the same page with avoiding potential situations where he may be tempted. as you move out of this crisis find hobbies that you like to do together, alternative medical care when you have medical issues, keep a support system going. Good Luck and Happy 2018!
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