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Posted: November 18, 2017, 9:40 PM
Our 30 year old son has been on an odyssey of addiction for over 10 years. We have gone through everything from fighting with him to wrench an empty dust off huffing can from him to finding him passed out at our family business in the office surrounded by money from an open safe. He finally went into recovery. He detoxed from methadone and was in Inpatient for 4 months. Everything was going great UNTIL he took up with a local girl online and all of a sudden he had to come home because he was homesick. He was supposed to stay for 3 days. We set curfews and boundaries in vain. He brought the girl to our house and they stayed there until the eve of return flight. He did not return home that night. On the morning of his flight back we got a call from him. He was in jail for DWI. We hired an attorney who successfully secured his release provided he return to rehab. We have booked 3 flights over the past 2 days and he fails to show up. We implemented tough love and told him if he did not go back he did not have a place to stay and no money. He said he would go crazy in rehab but did agree to cooperate, only to break his promise to arrive at airport. All the time he invested in rehab seems futile. He just wants to be with the girl (who also has substance abuse issues). He says my husband and I have each other and he has no one. I can't get through to him whilst he is chemically altered, so what now? Give him a day or so to see if the tough love will give him a reckoning? Call the cops and turn him in for violation of court ordered rehab? We have communicated his options and he says we are punishing him for messing up. Anyone have any input? I would appreciate very much.
This post has been edited by niobe19 on November 18, 2017, 10:01 PM | ||
Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: November 19, 2017, 3:00 PM
Loving & Warm welcome . . . we understand where you are & how you feel . . . because we are loved ones of addicts, too. That is a bond that is unbreakable.
Our daughter (then 20 yo) went to detox/rehab and met a young man who I refer to as Mr. Wonderful. He had tattoos all over his face, a long and colorful prison record, 3 babies at age 23, no job, unemployable, etc. They were like night and day as far as hubby & I were concerned. Pre-heroin, our Jill was a sorority girl. . . always prim and proper. Any old way. . . they fell in love . . .with each other and with opiates. No matter what they were together. Even when he was pimping my baby out . . . and I told her about it. The bond they had was unbreakable . . . and unshakeable. After her first OD, we got her to leave his tail in FL and come home to the Northeast. We wanted her to find treatment closer to home . . . so she was a car ride, rather than a plane trip, away. I told her that I didn't want to bury her and if she stayed with Mr. Wonderful I would. We wanted her to go to a year long program . . . she has already done 7 days . . . and then 30 days. She was able to stay clean & sober for up to 60 days but then something would happen and she'd relapse. We felt she needed the support & treatment of a year plus program so she learned to deal with life on life's terms and dealt with all of her triggers in a supportive & nurturing environment. She was home all of 36 hours before she announced that she was returning to FL because she missed Mr. Wonderful so . . . he was the love of her life. . . .he was her soulmate. We weren't pleased but felt better when she said that she was also going into a 90 day program. She said that she would leave a longer program because all of that rehab crap became repetitive and redundant. Little did I know that my Jill went into this program so that she & Mr. Wonderful could get paid. They got $3,500 if she stayed 30+days. So guess what? She stayed the required time, they got the money, and then they got a hotel room and got f'd up until the money ran out. All of this is to say that there is nothing you can do about your boy's relationship. Just like there is nothing you can do with his addiction. And there is nothing you can do to make him actively participate in any rehab program. All of this is outside of your control. He has to want to change for change to happen. He has to be receptive to what rehab is teaching to have it be meaningful. As much as you want to give him the desire to try . . . the desire to change . . . you can't. You have no control. In addition . . . did you say your son was 30? Not sure if this is tough love . . . but for me, I'd tell him he is a grown man who needs to act like and be a grown man. What does that mean? Take a look at the post, "Ways Family Members Can Help." I understand that if you do not provide a roof over his head, food in his tummy and a shower, it is almost like putting a bow on his head and sending him to that lady. But . . . can you save him from her?? From himself? From his addiction? What do you hope to gain from calling the cops? Would you be calling to punish him or to try to save him? Or maybe a combo of the two? Whatever the answer . . . many people go to jail, get clean for however long they are locked up, and go right back to using within an hour of being released. I wouldn't call to turn him in for violation of probation. At the same time, if the police showed up at my door, I wouldn't risk being charged with obstruction by lying or otherwise hindering their efforts to find him. I also wouldn't be trying to cajole or convince him to jump on that plane and return to rehab anymore. Remember the 3Cs (You didn't cause the addiction; you can't control his addiction; and you can't cure it). Maybe I'd tell him that when he is ready to go to rehab, there is a plane ticket waiting. Sweet Momma . . . it's okay not to fight anymore. There is nothing more you can do. It's his turn to take control of his life . . . and to fight his monkey . . . by himself. Don't feel like you are giving up on your boy. You are not. You are just placing the responsibility for his addiction and his actions right where they belong . . . on him. Hope something in here is helpful . . . Sending hugs & wishes for peace, Lynn This post has been edited by hurtingmom on November 19, 2017, 3:38 PM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posted: November 19, 2017, 3:49 PM
Lynn, your input is spot on, as always. Unless and until an addict wants recovery, they will continue to seek others who don't.... the ones who buy real estate in sh***y town and feed the demons. My Drew is 35 years old, with an 8 year old daughter. He recently asked to come home for the 4th time, stating he knew if he did not get away from the 44 year old meth user he was involved with, he would be dead or in prison. He lasted about a month, working, getting on track it seemed, and then snuck her into my home 2 weeks ago. I put them both out. Now they are homeless in our small town... and I am faced with telling my sweet Isabel that she cannot come to Nana's. No way am I going to risk her seeing him wandering the streets, or sleeping in the laundromat like he has been. But, of course it is all my fault because I won't help him and his woman. Ugh. One of the saving graces in tnis awful ordeal is this community. The stories posted are so similar, it makes me realize that it is not just my family going thru this, and I am not a horrible mom for having addiction crash in and attempt to destroy everything good and decent. My Isabel will be seeing a counselor soon. I am determined to save the ones who want and need it. Sending peace and continued thanks to all. Libby
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: November 20, 2017, 12:03 AM
They leave a path of destruction where family is concerned. Broken homes, broken hearts and the broken lives of their children that get dragged into it. God help the children and how it will affect them in later years. I would tell you to let him go. He's 30 yrs old now and no matter what you try to do to help him,won't help until he wants help. I know you don't want to hear that and I didn't either at one time. I always thought one day my addict would wake up and realize this isn't the life for her, and everything in our lives would be well again. So the day someone told me I couldn't cure her, I was dumbfounded. I thought they were wrong. I was her mother and it's what a mother does is helps their child. Not this time though and it took me 18 yrs to finally come to terms with that. This is something that's out of our control. We didn't cause them to be like this, they did this to themselves. Only they can make them better and for me that was a hard pill to swallow. Don't give him anymore help let him fly on his own and hopefully he'll get so sick of it that he'll want better for himself. Find support for you. Your the one you can help and your the one who's hurting the most. The only thing that worries an addict is where or when his/her next fix will be. I'm so sorry you have this kind of worry, because it's hell, I know! All of us on here understand what your going through. Stay on this message board and find strength in others stories. We're all here for each other. Thinking of you. Take care. Mary.
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Posts: 56
Joined: June 25, 2017
Posted: December 16, 2017, 8:58 PM
I am a addict..and all you mother love your kids so much,,stop helping us..we will only go back to drugs until enough is enough..thanks mother but no thanks...please!! stop trying let me stop only when I'm ready and when I'm not stop helping me,ok
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: December 17, 2017, 11:31 AM
niobe19--
The advice you are getting here is so right on! I didn't want to hear the same things when I came on this forum, but nothing else had worked with my addicted son. We tried all the same things you are describing, but as with you, nothing helped our son and now fast forward--he is 47 yrs. old and still an addict. Had we continued "helping" him, we would have been dragged down into his drama and lost everything!! I have to tell you that this "helping", as we called it, was nothing more than "enabling" our son to continue his path of self-destruction! When we cut him off completely and stopped contact 6 months ago, we felt like we were finally really"helping" him! It was very difficult to do and I think about him almost everyday, but I don't dwell on him and center my world around him any longer. I have no clue where he is or who he is with or how he is. I know I could get a call one day that he has od'd, but if I was enabling him or not , he can still succumb to his addiction! Stop helping your son as you have been. He is an adult and needs to be responsible for his choices. Nothing you do or say will change him--only he can do that! Set firm boundaries and let him know that you will no longer continue in the path you have been on! Keep coming here for support ! It has been the only thing that has freed us from our addiction which was being our son's savior! Prayers and hugs--Lori | ||
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