My Plate Is Full!!!!
Posted: November 11, 2017, 3:05 PM


Posts: 483
Joined: August 28, 2016



I haven't posted lately because I have disconnected from my 46 y/o addict for 6 months and texted him this. It has been almost 5 months and he has tried to text us twice and I did not respond.
I have so much going on that I am overwhelmed! My husband was just diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma and is having a ton of tests over the next week and then surgery to remove lymph nodes. We have 16 y/o son that is in a wheelchair with spina bifida. We adopted him when he was 8 wks. old. He is doing awesome and is straight A student and getting inducted into National Honor Society next week.
My adult son called us last night at 11:30 pm . I really don't need my adult son contacting me in the middle of all this and I am not responding to him! I think because of the late hour it can only be bad and he is probably wanting money or in trouble.
Do you think I am doing the right thing and if he calls again to just ignore his contacts???
He has no idea about his dad and his dad doesn't want him to know.
I am worn out!
Thanks for advice and support--

Lori


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Posted: November 11, 2017, 7:20 PM


Posts: 483
Joined: August 28, 2016



I also forgot to mention my husband doesn't drive anymore and he is deaf so I am his caretaker, driver, secretary, etc.
I just don't think I can deal with our 46 y/o addict right now and all his drama.
I was praying for a changed person in the 6 months, but it doesn't appear that is what is going to happen. The condition was I would talk to him in 6 months if he was clean and had his life getting better and was respectful. He has been very verbally abusive in the past.

I think I just probably answered my own post! lol!

Lori

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Posted: November 11, 2017, 9:41 PM


Posts: 54
Joined: February 3, 2015



Setting boundaries is hard for a lot of us, but it is what we need to do. You should not feel guilty for setting boundaries. Trust me we can run ourselves ragged with our addicted family members, but where do we stop? Is your son giving up his drugs, to help you and your husband? Is he as self centered as my addicted son, who does not go out of his way, can't go out of his way, for anyone else. We didn't cause this, we can't change it, we have no control over it. You have control over yourself, no one else. Making the decision to help your husband through his cancer is the right decision. Letting your son take responsibility for his actions is an appropriate decision also. So, if you are looking for someone to give you "permission" to not take on your adult child's problems, you have it.

But I also understand it is a hard decision, so take care of yourself,
Hugs,
Sombra
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Posted: November 11, 2017, 10:21 PM


Posts: 483
Joined: August 28, 2016



sombra--

Thanks for the words of wisdom and support. I know I am doing the right thing--just needed a little boost and acknowledgement that it was ok and the right thing.

You are right--it never is easy to do, but I can't control anyone but myself.

((HUGS)))--Lori
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Posted: November 11, 2017, 11:32 PM


Posts: 54
Joined: February 3, 2015



We all need the support. When I am doubting myself I try to consider what i would say or think if it was someone else, not me, asking the same question. It is SO much easier to be supportive of others than of ourselves.
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Posted: November 12, 2017, 12:28 AM


Posts: 75
Joined: April 11, 2017



(((Lori))) I've admired your strength hearing about how you told your son you were taking a break and wouldn't be speaking to him until January. It's a fair boundary and is one that has helped you keep your sanity. Addiction isn't easy for any of us and as parents it is absolutely heart wrenching. We know our kids are ill and with any other illness, we would be by their side helping them. Unfortunately, we know from brutal experience that we become victims of our addicted children when we enable or sometimes even just from taking their phone calls. I also got to a place where my heart would sink when I'd see a text from my son. At first I told him that I loved him, but I would end the call or texting session the minute he became abusive or threatened suicide. But when the only non-abusive texts or suicide threats were requests for money or for me to buy him something, it was too much for me to take and I also told him I needed a break from hearing from him.

Keep your boundary. He will understand you mean what you say. You have to keep the focus on yourself and your husband until and unless your son seeks recovery.
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Posted: November 12, 2017, 1:22 AM


Posts: 54
Joined: February 3, 2015



Thank you Help Me Please, it really helps to hear others too. I so appreciate the support of everyone on this board.
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Posted: November 12, 2017, 9:41 AM


Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016



Lori,
It's been awhile since I've posted to. J has had some good days and a couple of now we call blimps. He is trying and that is all I can say. He knows he is an addict freely admits it. Only problem we are having him to understand is justifying the reason he is an addict or why he can't say no.
The I'm stress, nervous or social anxiety are real but he has to stop using the excuses and work it out. He goes to drs and Therapist trying to get tools. He is going to be a daddy next year and he knows he is going to be responsible person and wants the best whether he can do it . I just don't know.. I hope the baby is going to be ok.

Sorry to hear about your hubby, but remember god will only give as much as we can handle. I just wish he wouldn't put so much on my plate either!! lots of love lady stay strong you've got this..

xx
Sue
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Posted: November 12, 2017, 12:02 PM


Posts: 82
Joined: January 21, 2017



Dear Lori.... this is all too heavy. Please don't let your fear make you question how you are handling everything right now. Without a doubt, you are an example of strength, grace and dignity. Sending a message of cyber love and admiration. Libby
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Posted: November 12, 2017, 3:00 PM


Posts: 483
Joined: August 28, 2016



Libby--
Thanks for the kind words! I do get fearful and that just causes weakness. I just keep thinking maybe he will kick in and change his life patterns ,but so far no luck!
I really can't deal with him right now, so the only response to him is no response.
I will stay the course and persevere!
It is the only way I can survive all this---

Thanks to all for your support!

((HUGS)))Lori
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Posted: November 13, 2017, 12:03 PM


Posts: 278
Joined: October 25, 2016



Lori,
You can only take on what you are physically and mentally able to handle. You know your limits and priorities so just let go of the rest. I think we all reach that point. I know it is harder to do than to admit it must be done. On quiet nights when my mind starts wandering, I still cry about how helpless I am to change things and wonder how we all got to this place in life. I have no answers but I force myself to look at things objectively and remember that I can't go backward to the way things were once upon a time. Can't keep doing the same things over and over. We want more for our children but we are unable to make it happen.

The holidays are coming so many of our adult children will be wanting their families. They will be contacting us or thinking about us at least. Much the same as we miss them, they will be missing us and the normal life they may not have right now. They may be addicts and think mostly of themselves and only want our money and/or help but a part of them is still our child.

Sorry to hear about your husband. Many would not understand what addicts parents go through and the tough decisions that we are forced to make but the people here understand. Don't feel alone.

--------------------
BUGS
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