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Do's And Don'ts Tips Please...


Posts: 115
Joined: August 29, 2015


Posted: September 5, 2017, 2:36 PM
My son has always lived several hundreds of miles away from me, yet when we get together there's plenty of indications he's a heavy drinker.

Alcoholism runs in his mothers family.

He's really up front about his drinking/partying stories and experiences and I'm scared he's going to hurt himself or others while drunk.

Can someone offer some Do's and Don'ts when I talk to him and see him as encourage him to get help? I remember when I drank when I was young I was really good at hiding it.

I've heard that nagging doesn't help...but can anything from my end?

Thanks for any feedback


Posts: 2
Joined: September 6, 2017


Posted: September 6, 2017, 2:06 PM
As a parent of an child suffering with this same disease, there are no "Do's & Dont's". What the sober mind says & does is far from what the intoxicated mind says & does. Especially for one that does not admit there is a problem. So, I just pray and remind myself in God's time not mine.


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: September 6, 2017, 4:02 PM
Hey Rich L. Glad you posted.

I guess there are some Do's and Don'ts re talking with your addict child regarding their addiction. . . especially when they do not want to acknowledge the 8,000 pound gorilla in the room. For what it is worth, here are my thoughts . . .

Don’t: Expect results just by asking him to quit. It will seldom (if ever) do any good to say, “If you loved me, you’d quit.” The compulsion to get more alcohol or drugs is bigger then he is and it’s usually bigger than his love for his family. It’s just flat-out overwhelming.

Do: If humanly possible, stand by your addict. If you can, let your addicted child know that you love them and support their recovery. Remember . . . the drugs/alcohol have already convinced him that he is worthless.

Do: Insist on rehab as the right answer for addiction. We, as loved ones of addicts, live in abject fear of getting the call that tells us that our loved one is either dead or has been jailed. So, make going to rehab the only solution you will accept – not promises that he will “cut down,” “wean himself off,” or “only do it one more time.”

Do: Everything from the position of caring and love. Criticism or blame will only push your son further into his unconfrontable guilt. Drugs are already his solution for this guilt.

Sending big hugs. Hope something in here is helpful. I also bumped up "Ways Family Members Can Help."

Lynn
xoxo



--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 115
Joined: August 29, 2015


Posted: September 6, 2017, 5:36 PM
Thanks for taking time to reply guys...any insight from others is always helpful :-)


Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016


Posted: September 6, 2017, 7:20 PM
Agree with all the tips, so far.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with him, at this point? If so, you might discuss the history of alcoholism in the family, without discussing him/his problem specifically. Just to see his perspective and let him know.

Other than that, yes, we have very little control besides what's mentioned.

Keep reading and sharing! Welcome!


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: September 8, 2017, 11:00 AM
Hi Rich - Wish we had the answers. We have been going thru this for 3 years w my son. addicted to pain meds, xanax. he is convinced he needs them to feel normal. two years of rehabs, sober living, part time jobs, being homeless, loosing all of his belongings twice. after two years of trying to recover ended up with a duffel bag of clothes. has even said he cant stand waking up and seeing that is all he owns after two years of struggle, and many years of working full time.

2017 - full time job, living w gf at her parents house. still can not financially make it from one paycheck to the next. I have talked to the point where neither of us want to hear it anymore, I have nothing new to say. I have mapped out his expenses, over and over. gave him many ways to keep track of his spending, budget info..... the info sits in a pile on his desk, never to be looked at. every pay check a few hundred is withdrawn over a few days. he has excuses.... needed for gas, for gf, owed someone bc he was short last week.... yet every 2wks it is the same situation for the past 4 months... I can not live on his shoulder and control the ATM swiping. we can only keep a loving front - try not to enable - I embarrassingly admit we end up giving a tank of gas in the days before the paycheck.... and hope that he will somehow stop this on his own. he has started seeing a dr, but the appointments are 1-2 times a month, and it will take time for him to change behavior, if ever. each week I have new hope, only to be dashed when I check his bank account - which I am always scared to do...lol I do scoop off $ to pay his loans which I electronically do from his account. He is just not interested in being financially independent. I guess he is doing a little better, so we keep pushing while standing by. last weekend his dad blew up at him bc he ran out of $$. one would think he would adjust his actions.. to avoid the negative reactions from us... nope. Sadly, there is nothing we can do. He has to make the decision to change. He is not disrespectful, not violent, never stole from us. hasnt been to jail - but close bc of traffic tickets.. he just cant control whatever it is that he is spending on.

overview - there seems to be a disconnect and an unawareness to his actions. almost like he is two people - one that wants to do right and be successful and one that controls the ATM card.
A disconnect from taking care of himself on a daily basis - that he wont provide himself with daily basics - example - does not cook, does not go to supermarket, wont spend on a package of razors, socks, shoes, stops by our house to shave, eat some leftovers, takes a few bottle of water, on a sporadic basis not daily, etc... its just too mind boggling for us non-addicts to understand. (my daughter who is 6 years younger than him can support her gas and food on $50 per week. her part time income is a fraction of his, yet she never asks us for help and has saved a surprising amount of $) He has not saved a dollar in 10 years!

check out the website for Smartrecovery.org - lots of information - the more you understand, the more you can help yourself, and maybe eventually your son. but he has to walk his path.


This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 8, 2017, 11:21 AM
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