Enabling Or Supporting?
Posted: August 28, 2017, 1:19 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: August 28, 2017



Hello,
I have just begun searching for advice/information. My 23 year old daughter is in a relationship with a young man who is addicted to heroin. He has been for sometime. He has gone to rehabs for a month or so, gets out, and relapes. He has stayed with different family members and has been asked to leave because he lies, steals from them, etc...
He is currently staying at my daugher's place. Just this week he stole money from her and got more heroin. I've asked her to think if she's helping him or enabling him to continue this cycle of durg abuse. It feels awful to tell her to make him leave, knowing he will couch surf and hang with other addicts.
What information do you have that I can share with my daughter? Thank you
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 1:28 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: August 28, 2017



BTY- We are in the Spokane, WA area so if there are any counselors/therapists in this area someone would like to suggest we are open. Thanks
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Posted: August 29, 2017, 8:32 AM


Posts: 633
Joined: April 4, 2016



Welcome Stanley! You came to the right place to get information, encouragement & support. You might want to post on the Family part, too, to get input from family members & loved ones of addicts. In this tab, you are more likely to get the perspective of addicts... whether they be recovered, recovering, relapsed or active use. I'm a mom of an addict. But here's my 2 cents...

Hmmmm.... info for your daughter? And..... indirectly to help you? Addiction thrives on ignorance, fear, guilt & manipulation. The first thing y'all should do is get as much education re addiction as you can. Naranon/Alanon meetings are a great way to start & to meet people in your community who are also going through this hell. You can also read several posts that are on the Family part of this Board. Try "Ways Family members can help", "What Not to Do," and "Let me fall by myself." And.... please post on the Family board....you can share without shame.

Second, encourage your daughter to lock up her jewelry, credit/debt cards. To not have anything in their joint names. To protect herself. When he needs a fix, his morals are kicked to the curb. I'd also set house rules or boundaries for as long as he stays at her house. One of my rules would be no stealing from me. And the consequence would be clear & immediate if he crossed that line. He leaves. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. His addiction is HIS monkey.... she should not be responsible in any shape, form or fashion for his bad decisions or choices. Google "detaching with love" and "not enabling."

Finally, teach her the 3 Cs: she didn't cause his addiction; she can't control his addiction; and she can't cure it. That is, no matter how wonderful she is, or how much she loves him, she is powerless over addiction. She cannot fix him.... or stop his remission/relapse pattern. I'm a mom of an addict. Trust & believe, If love alone could save an addict, my daughter would not be one.... she would be healed, whole and happy.

You didn't say how old your daughter is, if she has kids with her bf/addict, if she ever used, or how long they have been together. But.... I'd try to break this up. I know. I know. She's a grownup & you can't just say No. So.... I guess I'd pray for it.... encourage it.... or something , if I was in your shoes. I'm not saying that he isn't deserving of love ... or is sub-human. Please don't get me wrong. But most recovery programs tell the recovering addict to be selfish, to focus on them, and put romantic relationships on pause for the first year. They say the addict needs to focus all of their attention, focus and energy on their recovery. At the same time, we loved ones need that time to recover, to change, to heal.

There is also the reality that unless HE wants to change, he won't... he will continue doing exactly what he's doing. Unless he is serious about staying clean & sober (he's proven he can GET clean... it's staying that way that is the challenge for him.... and many many others, including my kid), he will continue to be on the roller coaster. Unless she detaches with love and stops enabling (these are processes that take time, effort & practice. They do not happen overnight), his active addiction will only bring your daughter heart ache, tears, anxiety. Not because he is a mean or horrible person. But because this is part of the addiction disease. In active use, he WILL sell her jewelry, use her debit/credit cards, steal her checks, pawn the TV, have sketchy people around her home...She may find herself penniless and homeless trying to "help" him. OR.... she could start using too. Yes.... this is a possibility. He may want company... or she may want to try... who knows. The short version is: Addiction infects & affects the loved ones of addicts, too.

Sending hugs to both you and your baby. Hope that something in here is helpful.
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on August 29, 2017, 8:51 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: August 29, 2017, 1:40 PM


Posts: 59
Joined: July 12, 2017



Stanley

She's enabling him as has his family.

You can tell her my story:

My ex husband is a meth addict. I'm his second failed marriage. All because of drugs. I have known him since we were 18 and he wasn't using that bad then although he said he started at 17. Both of his marriages consisted of this: abuse (physical, mental and emotional), stealing, lying, cheating, manipulation. He got about $25000 out of me in the last five years. He racked up my credit card using it at the ATM to get drug money and lied to me about what he needed money for. He would use my card to buy porn online (why when it's free I don't know). Three times he assaulted me. Once I was four months pregnant. The final time he strangled me. All times because he couldn't get more and he was in withdrawal. He did the same things to his first wife. He took my car and ran off to get drugs every time our daughter was in the hospital. Every time. He has barely been in her life. He has four kids with three women. He doesn't take care of any of them. His oldest are almost 15, 14 and then 9. He has barely been in his oldest's life (one night stand produced that one). The other two with ex wife 1. They all have issues because of him. I hope I can spare our daughter from it.

Tell her my story and say that if she doesn't kick him out, she's going to end up like me and my ex's other wife. Taking care of kids alone (well she got remarried) and with no help. Being abused because of withdrawals. In debt. I had zero debt before him because the army paid off my college. Now I have a 13000 credit card, another loan from a card and no savings. None. I had like 30000 in savings.

He's going to ruin her life. Tell her that. If she doesn't listen then that's her problem. So many people told me to leave him and I didn't.
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