My Sons 25 Years Of Addiction
Posted: August 28, 2017, 3:00 AM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



Hi I am new to this, I have read the notice board many times. My son is 40 he has been an addict since he was 15. I have been through all the torture many people on her have experienced. He is not in prison but due out anyday now and I am dreading it as the phone calls will start , no money no food nowhere to live etc, Would anyone advising breaking all contact I really do not feel as if I love him anymore as he is not the person who I once new but my mommy instinct is saying there is a nice person there but lost will I ever get him back . He is a heroin addict and will take anything he can get his hands on I have known him sniff gas . He has shown me up many many times in his life. I have two sons one is no bother and when people ask how many children I have I now say one as I am scared to discuss what they do etc. Am I doing right in giving up.
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 4:30 AM


Posts: 591
Joined: April 4, 2016



Loving and warm welcome, Grannie. I am so sorry that you need us. We understand the pain, guilt and fear as we all have a child or loved one who is infected and afflicted with this horrid disease called addiction. We offer you support with friendship and lots of hugs. Share without shame.

First and foremost, here is a huge hug. Take a deep breathe. And release it slowly. You've been battling addiction with and for him for a long time. At the age of 40, though, it is time for him to be a big boy. It's not about giving up.... but about changing how you deal with him and his addiction. Sounds to me like you are exhausted.... at your wit's ends. It sounds like jail provided you a respite from his calls, cursing and harassment. This is all understandable. Here's another hug.

The fact that you are going through all of this shows that you still . . . and always will . . . love your child. You are NOT a bad mom. . . Even if at times you don't like your child. You, like all of us here, are not happy that he is an addict. You, like all of us here, are not happy with the choices addiction has led our babies to make . . . or the mere shell of a person that addiction has left. Their bodies have been infected, their minds warped and their souls corrupted because of their addictions. The image I have is a Stepford Wife or Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Walking . . . talking . . . yes. But there is nothing we recognize on the inside. Nothing we can reason with, rationalize with, or converse with. Yes, we yearn and ache to have our pre-addict, intelligent, warm, loving kids back. BUT . . . here's the news: we love them unconditionally regardless. If we didn't love them, we wouldn't worry so.. . .we wouldn't get so angry with them . . . or feel so hopeless . . . and yet and still, ready, willing and able to battle addiction with and for them.

Before he comes home . . . and after he does . . . please love yourself as much as you love & worry about him. Make time. Take time. For self-care. Naranon/Alanon meetings? Exercise (walking, yoga, aerobics)? Therapy? Do something just for you . . . the movies, lunch with friends, manicure, sing in the choir, volunteer, etc. Detach from his drama and trauma . . . remember addiction . . . and jail . . . are HIS monkeys and his shows. Not yours. If you need to cut off contact with him to maintain your sense of equilibrium . . . for your sanity . . . then do so. Just sweetly explain why you need a little vacation . . . how long you will need your break . . . and take your well-deserved vacation from him.

Hang in there.

Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on August 28, 2017, 7:13 AM

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I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of Jill (July 1995 ~ August 2016) #ihateaddiction #forverloved[COLOR=green]
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 7:24 AM


Posts: 591
Joined: April 4, 2016



MomnMore said in one sentence in another post what took me 9 pages. Lol. And I quote: NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, JUST GIVE UP ENABLING!

Wise words from a wish lady!

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*******
I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of Jill (July 1995 ~ August 2016) #ihateaddiction #forverloved[COLOR=green]
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 8:12 AM


Posts: 1041
Joined: June 27, 2016



encourage him to use any community programs available to find housing and work.
and such as sober living home. he needs to be independent from you and look to community programs for support, not you. This will keep him off your hands.

as Hurtingmom said - go to Naranon meeings - asap - so you can start to talk to others and have a plan of action. others who have been in your situation can give you advice about community programs, and what they did, what worked, etc.... be prepared to deal w your son - so he does not catch you by surprise. That is my weakest moment. when I am not expecting it and I have no plan. I give in just to get past the moment.

set boundaries - naranon can help - tell your son the boundries

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on August 28, 2017, 8:37 AM
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 8:38 AM


Posts: 469
Joined: August 28, 2016



grannie--

I also am one of the "senior" moms on this site--lol! My addicted son is 46 and has been an addict since 17. He has done and said all the traditional things an addict does and I have done and said all the things a mom of that addict does.

It is amazing how we ,as their moms ,do the same things in various degrees. After many years of enabling and pleading and crying, I have no more tears. To love an addict is to run out of tears. No matter how angry or hurt we are--as moms of these addicts-- we always have hope. It may look dimmer for us, as our sons have been at it way too long,and if they are ever to break free of their addiction, will definitely have a harder road to travel. But I will go to my grave with hope!! I just refuse to let him send me to that grave earlier.

After trying everything humanly possible, in July I decided in order to keep my sanity, I needed to take a break from him and his constant pleading, begging, and verbal assaults! I text him that I would not take any contact from him for 6 months. If he had his life in order and was clean, then I would talk to him in January 2018. I blocked him on all social media and told him if he came to my house, I would call the police.

My son served to prison terms for 2 yrs. each and always came out wanting and demanding and pleading. I would advise you not to aid him in anyway but to refer him to the prison assistants that will help him get a half way home or apt. and a job. They wont release him till he has an address to go to and they help parolees get places all the time. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

All of this takes its toll on us and the only way to survive it as a mom is to get a plan, execute that plan, and then stick to it!
Go to Naranon or Alconon for support as well as come here and vent. Once you are able to get this support, you will see that you aren't alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is HOPE.

Praying for you and for your son--
(((HUGS))) Lori
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 12:20 PM


Posts: 59
Joined: July 12, 2017



Grannie

So he is in jail or he's not in jail? You said he isn't but he is due out any day now.

I would go no contact - as much as it hurts to turn away your child that's what will be best for him. Enabling does no one any good.

Everyone who loves an addict has the "somewhere in there is a good person" feeling for that addict. I did. I still do deep down inside but you can only take so much abuse from them before you say enough is enough. I haven't had a child as an addict but my ex husband is one. He's getting out of rehab today for the fourth time since 2012. He just went earlier this year. He always says the same things when he's in rehab "This time is different' and it never is. He has barely worked in the last five years I was with him and even in his whole life. He gets out rehab and is sober about 2 months, relapses and then back to the same old. I finally got to a point where I said enough is enough. My point was when he used our daughter's medical condition to get bail money back early to use for drugs. He did. Spent about $3000 on drugs, booze, who knows what else. The rest of it was used for his fees and restitution.

You have to let him go and if he wants to get better, he will. I wouldn't want to watch my child slowly kill herself and I stopped watching my ex do it. Enabling only makes it worse. It's hard. It's very hard to go no contact with a child or loved one who is an addict but there's not much other choices.
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 3:56 PM


Posts: 706
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi Grannie, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. After going through this for 25 yrs is enough for anyone. I so understand. I've been doing your same dance now for 19 yrs and I'm so tired of it too. I think after awhile you have to do what keeps you sane. This nightmare we've lived through has stolen many of our years and not to mention much of our happiness. I'd let your son get on with his life own life. Look where we were in the world at our kids ages. Their not kids anymore. Nothing to do with drugs is easy no matter what you decide. Take care, thinking of you! Mary.🌻

This post has been edited by Mandm on August 28, 2017, 4:53 PM
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 4:32 PM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



I am so glad I joined this group, thank you all from the bottom of my heart you have all brought tears to my eyes. I feel I am no longer alone. Just to give you an update he got out of prison last Thursday (he would have had some release money) he never contacted me until today Monday when he reversed charge called me 6 times on the last call I picked up and he wanted to sleep at my house I said no, he then asked for a coat as he was cold I said I was happy to take hiim a coat but he could not come to the house. He said its ok I will find somewhere to stay. I felt really bad but explained to him (like i read on here ) you are 40 years old you need to sort this mess out yourself I can no longer keep looking out for you. He said ok and that was it really. I feel awful but stronger and hope upon hope he does not come to the house.

Once again thank you all I feel relieved to have people to talk to that feel just like me and are going through the same as me. God bless you all and I too send you all big hugs xxx
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Posted: August 28, 2017, 7:09 PM


Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016



Grannie,

You did the right thing, even though your heart hurts.

Here is the problem: a child without addiction issues is able to give/take. They are able to have a healthy relationship with you. A child with addiction is impossible to be around unless they get some help. The addiction makes them suck us dry. Unhealthy for all.

Big hugs!
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Posted: August 29, 2017, 8:12 AM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



Thank you all so much I feel better today. I arranged to meet him with a coat at 10 this morning but he never turned up. I do not think he needed or wanted a coat just think he thought he could use me for a bed last night and when I said no I was of no further use to him. He is such an inconsiderate liar. Anyway thank you all for you kind regards I will keep praying and logging into the group
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Posted: August 30, 2017, 3:07 PM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



feeling really anxious at the moment and not sure if I am doing the right thing. I am sat here and so far I have ignored 7 reverse charge calls. Am I doing the right thing ignoring them. My guilt is tearing me apart.
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Posted: August 30, 2017, 6:51 PM


Posts: 85
Joined: August 29, 2015



Would changing your phone number be that much out of the question? You deserve the peace.

If you do make sure you keep your number out unlisted...you'll also seriously reduce all telemarketer calls too! :-)
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Posted: August 30, 2017, 8:27 PM


Posts: 706
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi Grannie, Chances are he's calling for you to feel sorry for him, give you a guilt trip or wanting money. I actually did change my cell number of my phone and blocked my daughter's number on my house phone. The peace was great for about 4 months until I gave in. I'd wonder if she was hurting or something had happen to her. I knew if there was anything serious the police would come to the door. They have learned to survive more than we know because of their lifestyle. I don't think we moms ever really stop worrying. We just get use to it more, that eventually we don't worry as much. Maybe we just get numb to it all after awhile...who knows! Hang in there Grannie! Remember none of this is your fault! Take care. Mary 💜

This post has been edited by Mandm on August 30, 2017, 8:29 PM
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Posted: August 31, 2017, 3:17 AM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



Thank you all. I just feel if I answer the phone I will be back on the mega guilt trip as he will grind me into the ground. I agree with you all that he is more than likely feeling sorry for himself and wants to put that on me. I feel a bit stronger today thanks to your back up. love to you all
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Posted: August 31, 2017, 8:43 AM


Posts: 469
Joined: August 28, 2016



I know this might be difficult for you to do ,but maybe try telling him you will no longer accept his calls and will not have contact with him until he has his life in order and is drug free. Tell him you are taking a break and that he is an adult and responsible for his life and future. Then do it it and don't give in.
If he shows up at the house do not let him in and call the police. These are really hard things to do, but if you take his calls , then nothing has changed and if nothing changes--nothing changes!!
YOU must make the changes if you want any kind of sanity back in your life!
Will you have days of sadness and feel guilt as before--absolutely! That is ok because you are a mom and we never stop being mom!

Time will help and you will gain strength and peace--just don't give in as we all have for way too long and that is why we have middle age adult addict sons!

I am praying for you!!
((HUGS)) Lori
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Posted: August 31, 2017, 11:38 AM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



Thank you Lori, I am ignoring his calls very hard but I will not give in . When I feel weak I come on here and read all the lovely positive responses so this is keeping me strong. Only two calls today did not answer so hope he gets the message and will call me when he can afford to put money in the call box. If and when he does then I will answer and tell him I need a break. God bless you all and please keep praying. xxxx
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Posted: August 31, 2017, 9:01 PM


Posts: 706
Joined: October 5, 2015



Hi Grannie, Thinking of you and hoping your day went okay. The more he sees you not giving in the easier it will be for you. After trying and getting nowhere he'll start to realize your not giving in anymore. The calls will become less and may eventually stop for awhile. That's when we start a whole new set of worries. What's he up to? Where's he at? It never ends but you do get use to it and you do stop worrying as much. You hang in there Grannie better days are ahead of us all. Take care! Mary🌻
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Posted: September 1, 2017, 2:50 PM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



Hi Mary
Just 4 calls today , I did not answer them keeping strong. I am worrying especially as the nights are getting colder, wondering if he is staying somewhere warm etc, but I do know that he was seeing a housing officer as his drugs worker told me , but they did find him somewhere before and he never went. I will keep you all updated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I feel down I come on here and get strength. xxx god bless all of you
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Posted: September 1, 2017, 9:04 PM


Posts: 469
Joined: August 28, 2016



I also wonder where he is, is he ok, does he have food, place to sleep, is safe, got clothes, and on and on. I just have to place myself in a different mode and concentrate on my husband and
disabled 15 y/o son. I have to keep myself busy and let go. I have to remember that I am not God and I am not in control!

It is a work in progress and it never stops. All of us experience this in varying degrees. It is difficult but necessary if we are ever to have any life of our own and peace.
((HUGS)) Lori
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Posted: September 2, 2017, 2:11 PM


Posts: 25
Joined: August 28, 2017



Hi Lori thanks for your kind words I really feel for you and know what you mean about worrying about all these things, I did see my son today I arranged to meet him as he had some money in my bank and he would not give in until I gave it to him. To be fair he looked OK but a bit scruffy he still lies and he did find a place to go to but he said he turned up late so he has no where to sleep for the weekend. I told him that was his fault not mine and that I needed a holiday away from him he does not listen so I wrote it all down and gave it to him to digest when he has nothing else to do which is always. I think he understands that I am now stronger and he looked quite shocked when I said I did not want to see him until he got his life together and was off the drugs. I will not hold my breath as I can bet you anything as soon as I left him he went to score and I am now a distant memory. Anyway I do not think I could have been so strong if it was not for the lovely people in this group. Please all keep strong my mother told me never to forgot I only have one life its my life and I should lead it for me no one else. God bless all xxx
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