Posted: June 26, 2017, 1:30 AM

I have been married to my husband for 21 years- we got married as teenagers and have 4 amazing kids together. Unfortunately, he has been a pill and suboxone addict for the last 15 years. He has cheated on me multiple times and has accused me of cheating as well. I would have to say I had 2 emotional affairs because I shared my feelings and problems with people other than my husband. One was early into our marriage and my husband had an actual affair after and then told me I deserved it. The other was after some horrible behavior on a family vacation with our kids and my parents (dads last trip- stage 4 cancer) that he destroyed because he decided I was cheating on him by playing words with friends with an old friend from elementary school- so when it kept up for months & he started not coming home at night and telling everyone at work I cheated on him and constantly talking to another girl from work, I kicked him out. I had a male friend who I knew liked me and I wanted to be over my husband so I kissed the guy. I knew my husband was sleeping With the new girl because I found pills for sex hidden under the floor at of his car when I was cleaning it and I just wanted to be strong enough to stay away and not get sucked back in if that makes sense. The guilt afterwards made me stop talking to the other person altogether and my husband and I ended up getting back together.for a long time I attributed his coldness and need for always having other women to the pills and stil do to this day-Not sure how much truth there is to that but it has made it so that I can forgive him and not be angry. So with that said, I have believed countless times that he has been clean to be smacked in the face with it being a lie. We are in foreclosure for the 3rd time in 6 years and my mom keeps bailing us out. This last time I found out he was using, I asked him to go to a dr and get some help to which he agreeed. Today is one month and he had a plan to start a slow taper over the next 6 months but suddenly has changed his mind. He says I make him in a bad place and he can't taper yet. He has no answer for why he hasn't called a counselor yet- at first it was because I didn't find him one and now it keeps slipping his mind. He won't even look for a meeting and tells me they're breeding places for dealers. He also promised to talk to our kids and now tells me he's not ready yet. I now feel like the worlds biggest enabler.i took him to the dr so now he has the supply without the stress and I keep his secret from everyone and I don't want to keep doing this because it never helps. I'm tired of lying to my kids and I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I have a very busy job and he gets mad that I don't contact him during the day so won't answer when I call him after work anymore. He's always telling me I'm a w**** and saying he doesn't talk to me about anythig because I'm selfish. He acts almost jealous when I talk to my kids and says he's never a priority to me. He's been physically violent to me a handful of times in the last year and we never know if he's going to come home and be angry or happy. Most nights he sits on our porch and chain smokes while on his phone. He sends me shots of forums that say suboxone should be used for years and lately he tells me I'll never be enough for him. He gets angry if he has to drive our minivan instead of our newer sporty car and insists that we should each have our own vehicles.if I let the kids use the car, he gets mad to the point where we went on vacation and he paid for parking and the last time tracked the miles and was mad at me that they drove it. He won't put his clothes in our laundry basket but insists on having his own. I asked him to cut down spending, he probably spends $50/day on food, cigarettes and Red Bull's while I'm trying to keep our electric from being shut off and then buys himself an $800 watch. im running out of steam here and I don't know what to do. I don't know how much of this is suboxone and how much is just him- he used to be the kindest man I knew and it's why I fell in love with him. He's prescribed 2 8mg/day which his addiction for the last 4-5 years has been 1 8mg/day and sometimes more depending on how bad I stressed him out. How effective is it to treat a suboxone addiction with more suboxone? Will he ever go back to normal or is this who he is now? Is it ever ok for me to walk away And do what's right for my family? I've always put my codependency first and stayed countless times when I shouldn't and my kids have suffered because I was weak. I want to do the right thing but I don't know what it is
Posted: June 27, 2017, 7:39 PM

Posts: 9
Joined: June 2, 2017

girl, get out and save yourself. he is never going to change until something drastic happens to him or he hits rock bottom. by the sound of it, 15 years..he blew through his rock bottom like it was nothing. possibly the affairs? but that's the scary part..that things aren't bad enough for him to quit. and as far as the cheating, how dare he? stand up for yourself girl!! drugs are not making him cheat, it has nothing to do with that. he is cheating because he wants to, plain and simple. you deserve better than that! your kids deserve better and to have a dad that is home to say good night to them, no matter how old they are..not a dad that's out late with his mistress. they deserve to have that sense of family and if this man is jeopardizing that, kick him out. you should be the center of his world and the love between the two of you should be enough to stop the affair. I'm not saying that things are going to be perfect all the time simply because you love each other, but they should never get that far. he should have some remorse and the courage to be honest and end the marriage if that's really how he feels. he cant live 2 lives..and for the addiction stuff, he simply does not want to get sober and now matter what he says to you about it, understand one thing, he's either saying he will just to shut you up or he's saying he will so you don't throw him out. he's gotta want it for himself or it'll never happen. you need to stand up for yourself and know your worth it girl!!! you deserve better and you shouldn't let him walk all over you. sorry if this was to forward but it actually broke my heart a little to hear that he is doing this to you and I don't even know you. be strong and just know, you deserve the best and don't even except anything less!!
Posted: June 28, 2017, 2:53 AM

Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016

GET OUT NOW!!!! What really struck me in your post was not the cheating (which is NOT caused by using drugs. It is caused by being immature and he is completely disrespecting you, your children and your marriage), not the drug use and not the lying. It was the statement "he has been physically violent a handful of times!"

If he put his hands on you one time is too many. You are a battered wife and you need to get out and save yourself and your kids. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you deserve to be physically and emotionally safe. LOVE DOESN"T HURT!!!!

I do not know what state you are in, but google battered women shelters in your area or go to your local police station. Make sure you have all your important papers like birth certificates, photo ID, passports, bank and credit cards etc. If you can, pack a bag for yourself and your children with necessities and keep it hidden somewhere where he won't find it but you can grab it at a moments notice.

If you do not leave and children's protective services get wind of physical abuse in the home, your kids WILL be removed for their own protection. It is imperative that you get out of this unhealthy situation. You deserve to be treated with love and respect! He has no right to physically hurt you. This is not a marriage worth is unhealthy and dangerous. This relationship is what your kids see and they will grow up thinking abuse is normal and they will seek out relationships like the one you have with your husband. This is how the cycle of abuse keeps going. You need to end it for your sake and for the health of your children.

Please keep us posted and we will support you in any way we can. This situation is beyond dangerous. When you combine physical abuse with drug use, tragedies happen. You deserve all the world has to offer and that includes everything good! It is time to kick this abusive man to the curb. Save yourself and your children! I know you can do it!!!
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