Is He Ok?
Karla
Posted: May 5, 2017, 1:05 AM







My husband has a past history of ice and heroin addiction. He has been taking suboxone 8mg for up to 3 or more years now. Recently, our lives have been a combination of joy, beauty and such sadness: our wedding in March, a friend's death four days later, 2 new babies were born healthy and happy, and now also a cancer diagnosis. Plus the stressors of moving!!
For a few months now, my husband "Adey" has been talking about doing drugs together - psychedelics, MDMA etc. whilst I have tried some, I do not like taking drugs or drinking much at all. After some convincing, we agreed to inject MDMA... I was extremely anxious and I had my warning instincts firing. Just as he was about to inject me, I stopped him and said No. he continued to inject himself. I want Adey to see a psychologist, someone he trusts and can feel safe talking to. Having battles of my own, I can see him justify his actions and just continuing the lie to himself. I believe him when he says he has not been smoking or injecting ice, but is he pulling my leg? I don't think he wants to change or have the help. What should I do? Many thanks for reading.
  Top
Posted: May 5, 2017, 3:09 PM


Posts: 633
Joined: April 4, 2016



Sending hugs to you K . . .glad that you found us . . .sorry for the reason you need us.

Your title is "Is He Ok?" From what you wrote, he seems fine. . .he's an addict. He seems content . . he has a home, food, family . . . And he is doing his thing . . ice (I had to look that up . . .that's the same as meth, right?) and heroin . . .and I guess a Suboxone every now and then. Hell . . . Sounds like an addict's dream. What incentive does he have to change . . .to get clean & sober and stay that way? How is his addiction negatively impacting him?

Please read on this board "Let Me Fall All By Myself" and "Will You Learn to Say No." They both (along with a few more excellent posts) have been bumped up on this board in the past few days. So hopefully it is just a matter of scrolling down a bit to find them. And then, stop . . .pause . . .and reflect on your hubby's addiction. . .and what you should do.

Here's the news . . .try as you might . . . you cannot love his addiction away. You can't reason with it. You can't control it. You can beat it out of him. You can't shake it out of him. And you sure enough can't cure it. The decision to get and then committing to staying clean and sober has to be his. You can't fight his addiction for or with him. As a wise lady once said, this is HIS monkey and HIS show.

I am more worried about you . . .and your kids. I'm glad that you didn't shoot up . . .if you had HIS monkey would have become YOUR monkey . . .you could have been right in the ring with him and the monkeys. I will admit that I am curious as to what he told you that would make you want to try, tho. Did you want to be closer to him . . .OR did you want to understand WHY he does it . . .OR???? (I'll admit that I tore up my daughter's room looking for her heroin one day. I wanted to understand what it was about it that she loved so much. I never found any.)

Read the posts here . . . you may see your situation in some . . .or you may get some strength when you need it . . .or they made provide you hope . . .or you may find comfort. Try to find a Naranon or Alanon meeting . . .depending upon the age of your kids, they may want to attend too. (I think they have meetings especially for children/teenagers.) Your hubby may not be very receptive to the idea that you want him to see a therapist. At least, mine would not go willingly. Think about going to a shrink yourself . . . you can learn how to draw boundaries in your relationship . . .how to love yourself . . . how to not enable his addiction . . .how to love him without losing your sanity or becoming emotionally and financially bankrupt . . . and it's also a great place to vent. You can invite him to come to a session with you later. And . . .of course continue posting here.

Hang in there K,
Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on May 5, 2017, 3:12 PM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
  Top
Posted: May 7, 2017, 10:47 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: May 7, 2017



Hi Lynne,

Thank you so much for your reply and support. Right now, we don't have any kids and this incident has made me reassess how ready Adey and I are! You are correct, "ice" is a street term for Methamphetamine as it looks like little ice crystals I guess (haven't ever seen it myself).

In all honesty, hubby told me it would be a great experience and something intimate we could do together. I wanted to trust him and feel that "platonic" connection with him. He made it sound so spiritual and something we could enjoy together. What crap!! After reading and re-reading your message, I can totally see how he doesn't want help. After I did a sweep of our entire apartment (and found nothing!) I feel guilty for sneaking around. Hubby keeps saying it was a "minor slip" and that we were both "stressed" and it won't happen again, but the thing is, it should not have happened in the first place! My instinct tells me that hubby isn't looking out for me, he doesn't have my best interest at heart and he was willing to jeopardise my own life for a hit.

And this isn't the first time he has put me at risk: we went to Europe last Aug/September, I feel down a big staircase and pulled a ligament in my ankle. Rather than seeking medical attention, his response was to buy packets of panadol and codeine... to which he filtrated out the panadol and extracted the codeine to give me to drink. He promised me I would feel better, that it was a much more effective pain reliever than waiting in a doctors room in Paris (which would take hours) he must have crushed up at least 4 packets of the panadol codeine tablets and without any hesitation. I then experienced "withdrawals" for two days, slept in our room in Spain all by myself while he went out exploring Barcelona.

To me, this is not a safe person. and you are absolutely right - he has to WANT to change and get help. I cannot force that upon him. We are newlyweds too which makes this all the more devastating and difficult for me. I believe he doesn't think there is a reason to free himself from his addictions and his addictive behaviour- in fact, he stills has certain ritualistic behaviours which he says aren't associated to drug habit at all! That baffles me!!

In your experience, what is the way forward? Do I ask him to leave our apartment, that we need some time apart to contemplate our future? Do I move in to my mums place for a while? Is tough love the response?

Thank you for your help, it really means so much to me xoxo
  Top
Posted: May 10, 2017, 4:14 AM


Posts: 27
Joined: May 10, 2017



Karla-
it sounds like both of you have so much going on. It is so easy to become doubtful in these situations. You have probably thought so much about the situation before posting it on here. Since we love them and have had so many beautiful moments with them, it's easy to believe everything and anything that they tell you. I, recently, was under the impression that my boyfriend was done with his heroin addiction. He had gained weight, was looking for jobs and was in much better spirits. I have known him for ten years and felt like I was getting to see glimpses of the old him. Unfortunately, it was just a farce. They know us well, and know what we like to hear. In any event, always take care of yourself and your babies first. What is done in the dark, comes to light.

In my relationship, I felt that I was becoming so negative. We had an amazing friendship together based on love and support before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. I was sickened by how much I would accuse him, and about a month ago decided that for my health and our relationship, I should put all of this aside. I told him there would no longer be any accusing from my side anymore. He took full advantage of that! I do not harbor any resentment in my heart, as I read these posts and realize though every face is different, addict behavior is extremely similar. I found out through his text messages that he was doing heroin again, and worse, with our close friend who had recently become addicted. I remember when he found out that his friend was using, he cried for days, and I did my best to support him. I was far from his mind when they were doing heroin together, and even though we are family friends and have never skipped a beat, I had to leave for the better of both of us. I can no longer imagine this person as the father of my children, or someone to support me through turbulent times, and life is turbulent. It saddens me that he can no longer see the beauty of life without being high, but I found that I would be better off without him.

I think tough love is the only love in this situation. We often lose track of times in these situations. Please try to do a pro and con list. Don't feel like you're doing him an injustice. Him hitting rock bottom and losing you may bring him to the conclusion that he MUST stop! You have built a beautiful and comfortable life with him, and even tried doing his drug of choice with him. He put you in that spot. He is not a bad person, but these are the things that become rational when you are addicted.

Sending love and prayers your way.

M

This post has been edited by TryingTo on May 10, 2017, 4:23 AM
  Top
Posted: May 12, 2017, 12:42 AM


Posts: 2
Joined: May 7, 2017



Hi M,
Thank you for your message - and I hope you are ok. It's been two weeks now since he's injected MDMA, and while he says he is clean from meth and heroine & committed to full recovery, I'm so unsure if I should "let it go" that easily.

In all of this mayhem his brother J has told me to be staunch - to not give in, not believe the lies, and to challenge my husbands behaviours and his own justifications. I don't know who or what to believe; it's all I can think about. And I've had to withdraw from some subjects at uni in order to help out my husband and run our home more. Now he's talking about a detox retreat in Mexico or Canada- has anyone heard of the Ibogaine method? I'm not sure if I should be fully supportive or concerned.

From what I've read here on these message boards is that I should be careful, think about myself and my future - to not give in so easily. We were only married in March this year. I'm so devastated and worried and uncertain, unsure of my safety and his own safety. Any tips on how to "feel connected" in all of this?

Karla xxx
  Top
Posted: May 12, 2017, 3:16 AM


Posts: 27
Joined: May 10, 2017



Karla,
I totally know how you feel. I felt so confused myself because of what I was hearing from his family, his friends vs. what he was telling me. It took me about 4 relapses and going through 2 withdrawal cycles with him, and some pretty obvious signs that he was using for me to finally want to free myself from our situation. I was in a completely gray area myself. When our mutual friend started using I became so paranoid again. I couldn't shake the feeling. I decided to make the decision to give the relationship my all, stop accusing him and try to get on with our lives- what's done in dark will come into light. I feel like the statement is half denial, half faith, but it made my life bearable. With that mind set I had SO much less anxiety and was able to continue working and doing good in school. Take time out of your day to focus on you. Get out, do something you love. You don't have to give up on him now. Give it all time and you'll see exactly what you need to do!

M

This post has been edited by TryingTo on May 12, 2017, 3:17 AM
  top of page  Top