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Posted: April 6, 2017, 7:19 PM
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this,but I needed somewhere to share my story. I have been in a relationship for six years with my boyfriend. Hes been injecting heroin for two years now. Overdosed twice and wound up in the hospital this past summer on a ventilator for three weeks. Came home from the hospital and stood clean for about four months. The best four months ever. He was so loving and caring helping out with bills and whatever else was needed around the house or anything I needed. Now he's back on heroin for the past five months. He has changed completely. When he first relapsed he said he didn't want to do this and didn't want to be this way but it messes with his mind. Now I feel like that's all he cares about. So cold and blank. I'm having a very hard time dealing with this. I feel as if I lost the person I have loved so deeply for the past six years. I feel like my life is so consumed with worrying about him all the time. He got suboxone from the dr but I believe he just uses it when he doesn't have his stuff to get high and then when he has the strength goes right back to it. I don't know what to do or how to handle him or this situation. Can someone help me? | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 6, 2017, 9:06 PM
Hello Faith,
It is hard for family members and loved ones to deal with. My son has been in and out of rehab and recovery and relapsing over the past 2-3 years. he has recently been clean for 4 months, and now has a job and is back home. we want him to be successful, but are worried bc we know how easy it is for some to go back to it. Read these posts on the Families/Partners of Addicts board. Ways Family Members can Help, What Not to do, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No hope this helps | ||
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Posted: April 6, 2017, 10:36 PM
Thank you so much for sharing with me. I hope for all the best with your son and family. I know this addiction effects everyone.
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Posted: April 6, 2017, 10:47 PM
Both my parents died from heroin addiction when I was 16 years old so some say I'm trying to save him cause I couldn't save my parents and in a way their right because I have no family and he is all I have left. I'm 41 years old now and never ever got over the death of my parents. Time has made it easier at times but other times I still need them so bad. Now I feel like I'm going to lose him too. This has been an up and down roller coaster.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 7, 2017, 3:41 PM
Hi Faith - I lost both my parents at a young age, but not to drugs. I think something you need to find out about yourself it how to be alone. It is hard but many healthy people find healthy ways to survive, feel good about themselves, and live alone. I wonder if this is a worry for you? I'm just curious. I have never lived alone. first w family, then friends, then husband and kids....
but have gotten more comfortable with the idea as I am getting older, and dealing w kids w addiction issues - I often Wish I lived Alone! lol... This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 7, 2017, 3:42 PM | ||
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Posted: September 24, 2017, 11:41 PM
hi everyone i don't know if people are going to respond to this but here's my story.... i'm now 19 years old. i met my boyfriend when i was 17 and he was 16. i met him at a party, he invited me over snapchat and i didn't really know him then but me and my friends decided to go and have fun. so when i got there he was already f***ed up and me not knowing anything about drugs i thought he was just drunk and high. the next day he wouldn't stop texting me wanting to see me again.. so the next week we went to a party and this time he wasn't f***ed uo but i remeber him leaving and coming back but i didn't question why he left. so we dated from may to august... and the whole time we dated he was addicted to xanx. the most he would do a day was like 12. it's disgusting. so he broke up with me because he would rather do drugs then have a loyal girl i guess. so a few days later he had sex with my bestfriend and she totally turned on me and then he left her a week later and he started talking to another girl had sex with her and then she left him. for about 6 months of my life i thought about him everyday but didn't have the courage to text him. i missed him so much even tho he did all that s*** to me he was the only one i wanted and i cared about. so in february i started talking to a new guy but didn't really forget about my ex... and one day we went to walmart and we saw my ex... and i literally didn't know what to do because i haven't seen him in months... and about two months after that the guy i was talking to ended stuff. so i finally has the courage to text my ex again. and we started hanging out here and there but he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship again. he "borrowed" a ton of my money, ended up breaking a part on my car while he was on xans. i left my card with him and his friends on accident and they spend all my money and put me on negative... i didn't know what to do anymore so i hungout with his two bestfriends just to make him mad. and that night he texted me off a texting app because i blocked him and he told me he needed me to come over and talk to him . so i did. and he cried to me for two hours telling me how he messed up and how he needs me .. and after months and months that's all i wanted to hear. so this june he asked me out again. and i was finally soooo happy again ... until i found out he was doing herion. he would beg and beg me for money till i had none. him and his friends would do it infront of me and i would cry because i don't do drugs and want nothing to do with them but i loved him. so about a month or two later his mom found out he was doing herion and sent him to rehab. i visited him and he called me everyday .. he lasted in rehab for i don't think even a month. so he was living in a homeless shelter because his mom wouldn't let him go back home.he proposed to me and told me (when he was sober) that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me etc . he had literally nothing with him and in his back pocket he had every letter i every wrote him and told me he carries them with him everywhere and it's the only thing that keeps him going. that broke my heart ... i picked him up a few times and saw him and he told me he was clean still. and how he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me... so a few days later i was at work and couldn't get him so his friend that he does herion with picked him up. he ended up taking a couple xans and doing herion and ditched me for over an hour. so he started calling me and i just kept denying it. i finally answered to him sobbing where are you babe i need you i love you and i'm like you ditched me goodbye. he was sobbing on the phone please where are you i need to talk to you. i told him i was on the way to taco bell so if he got there in time i'd talk. so we met and he was so f***ed up i haven't seen him like that in months and it disgusted me. like why me why do i have to go thru this. he told me he loves me im is wife he can't live with out me and i threatened to break up with him and he lost his s***. i made him leave and go back to the shelter so he wasn't late and he called me all night sobbing to me. he eventually stopped calling. and then i woke up to 15 missed calls and he was sflll calling so i answered and he was in the hospital because he over dosed the night before... this is the 4th time in a year. he's only 17. the next day he had court and they sent him to jail. he's currently in jail it hasn't been a month yet but he calls me everyday and told me he just sent me a 3 page letter i should get that tomorrow. i've been telling him everyday that when he gets out of jail if he goes back to drugs i can't be with him anymore. like at this point i'm honestly so stuck ... i'm so young but i love this kid so much. he's telling me he's gonna get a job and a car and we're gonna get an apartment when he gets out. he told me he's been reading the bible and is gonna get baptized... i have lost a lot of friends because of him. his own family won't even talk to him. literally i'm the only thing he has. and i'm praying that he's really going to change and stop with the drugs. i get to see him for the first time in weeks thursday and i'm really excited. i'm just scared that i'm wasting all this time for him just to go back to drugs and it sucks... i really hope he's done this time .... i really do ..
This post has been edited by Ashleymarie on September 24, 2017, 11:46 PM | ||
Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016
Posted: September 25, 2017, 12:36 AM
@Ashleymarie...I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are probably not going to like what I am going to say, but bear with me!
I know you love this guy, but you need to stop and ask yourself why you think all you deserve is a guy who is on drugs, has sex with your best friend and other random girls and doesn't put you first...or even second or third? You need to find a counselor who can help you figure out why your self esteem is so low that you are willing to give yourself to a guy who has treated you like total crap! Love is not supposed to be painful and filled with lies and emotional abuse...which is what this kid is putting you through. I know he has a drug problem, and from what you wrote a serious one, but I am most worried about you and why you think this is love? Love, real true and lasting love is based on trust. You can NOT ever trust someone who has sex with your best friend. That one act demonstrates that he is only out for his own selfish gratification and at the age of seventeen, that is common. At his (and your age) the brain is not capable of making mature adult decisions because biologically your brains are not fully developed and won't be until you are about 25. Until then it is hard for teenagers to learn impulse control and consequences. That is not an excuse for his obnoxious behavior, but I hope it demonstrates that biologically your brains are to immature to even think about marriage. I emplore you to seek help from a parent, guidance counselor, teacher or call an abuse hotline. You need to find your self esteem. When you do, you will look back on this and see that you deserve so much more. Good luck, sweetie! | ||
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Posted: September 25, 2017, 7:11 AM
i would just like to point out that he did have sex with other girls over a year ago when he was on alot of xans and barely remebers that and has apologized many times .. so it's been a year since he's just been with me. and he expresses how much he loves me everyday and makes me extremely happy .. the only thing that sucked was him doing herion but he's been clean so i'm hoping he will stay it.
This post has been edited by Ashleymarie on September 25, 2017, 7:36 AM | ||
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Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016
Posted: September 25, 2017, 8:19 AM
@ASHLEYMARIE It doesn't excuse his cheating on you because he was "on xanax and barely remembers". First of all, because of the way Xanax works, if he took so much he "barely remembers", he wouldn't have been able to get an erection due to the medication. He is lying to you.
You said you are all he has, but the reason that he has no family in his life is because they are obviously sick of being manipulated and lied to. Addiction is very hard on family and loved ones, but coddling him isn't the answer. Again, I emplore you to look inward. Why are you settling for him? You deserve the world and this guy is never going to be able to provide it to you from jail...or with an addiction. It is common for people involved with addicts to be aicted to the drama and chaos. They often make rescuing their full time job. They ride the emotional roller coaster...the addict crying and saying they will do anything..they can never live without you, they want to spend eternity with you...unfortunately, everything he has said to you has been pulled right from the addicts handbook. There are some great books on co-dependence. Co-dependence is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner while putting yourself second and accepting their emotional or physical abuse with excuses. It is when their feelings and mood determine your own. Just from your posts, it is obvious that you would benefit from learning about co-dependence. This guy has nothing to offer you....He has had sex with your best friend and others (it doesn't matter when it was..cheating is cheating and addiction and drug use are no excuse for this type of behavior), he is unemployed, in jail and on drugs. What can he offer you. I know you say you love him, but love is NOT a feeling. I know that pull of attraction to another person is powerful and intoxicating, but it isn't love. Love is an action word. Love is being there for a partner. It is complete honesty. It is trust that they will not betray you. It is a give and take...not you giving everything while he abuses drugs and has sex with whoever. There is nothing you can do to get him to stop using. You can not love an addict into recovery. He has overdosed 4 times and is in jail. I know you hope he stops, but he hasn't had any addiction treatment. He is clean because he is in jail, but being he has not had treatment, he has no clue how to live sober, so I fear when he gets out he will use. It is very common for those who are in jail to relapse as soon as they get out. Tolerance goes down during these bouts of clean time so when an addict is released from jail they are at higher risk for overdose because they think they can use the same amount they did before they went to jail. Please, Please, Pleaase find someone to talk to. This situation is bigger than you and you need some guidence so you can sort out what is and what is not a healthy relationship. You deserve so much more! This post has been edited by lolleedee on September 25, 2017, 11:40 AM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: September 25, 2017, 9:05 AM
Ashley- Read these post on this website. put the title into the search box at the bottom of the page: Read these posts on the Families/Partners of Addicts board.
Ways Family Members can Help, What Not to do, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No Maybe when your bf calls you, are you feeling like you can help, or you can make a difference, you are needed, you are loved, he needs you? 1. He might love you but he loves your $$ more. You are his safety net. 2. Find another outlet in order to feel needed. volunteer, join a club or group that you are interested in. 3. Take continuing education or college classes. 4. Do something else, work on yourself. You have a lot of life to live. dont waste years on this. Calling you 15 times is part of the addiction - when ever they are stuck, need you to bail them out, pick them up, need food or drugs. He took all of your $$ several times. He does not respect you as a person. If he calls for help, pick him up and drop him at the hospital or shelter. I can guarantee he will not call you again! . you are not his babysitter. When you tell him you will stay with him UNTIL you find out he's doing drugs, it gives him control. He will hide, lie, cheat and steal and use you until you find out and confront him. and then he will lie some more. The correct way to put this is to say, You will NOT be with him until he is clean for 6-12 months. and is successfully working, saving $$, and is involved in some treatment process. This way he gets the reward AFTER doing the work, not before. As a parent, I think this is a point where we made a mistake. we gave our kids too much, to make life easier and happier, so they did not have to struggle*, and did not make them work for it. so their brains did not learn life skills. in my son's case, he learned how to put on a sad face and get a reward. (of course this is a generalization - not everyone is an addict if they have too much help from parents) for some life skills are innate, for some it is not. Helping them is a disservice. They need to learn for themselves. If we give them fish when they are hungry, they learn to be dependent on US to feed them. *About struggle - maybe we all have to struggle - either struggle now or struggle later - maybe our addicts delay their struggle while in addiction. It is only when they face their struggle, they improve their life.? The best thing you can do for him is tell him he has to stand on his own and be responsible for his actions, learn to live as an independent person, not dependent on handouts. If he needs medical care, he should be seeing a dr, therapist, etc. You are not a dr, not qualified to navigate these choppy waters of addiction. as a parent that was my conclusion after years of trying to change my son by steering the boat. It didnt work. This illness is too big for us. You have said he has been in addiction for more than a year. THIS is a problem and it is not going to just go away, or fix itself. If you read here on this website, you will see people are stuck in this rut for several years to more than 20 years. Let us know how things work out! As Lolleedee says - find a therapist - go for a few visits - you need someone to talk to - talk therapy - Cognative Behavior therapy - etc Take some workshops, find a part of YOUR life that you want to improve. | ||
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Posted: September 25, 2017, 12:42 PM
he never cheated on me we were broken up.
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Posted: September 25, 2017, 12:43 PM
and yes he was in rehab and put on suboxone
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Posted: September 25, 2017, 12:45 PM
but thank you for the responses
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Posted: September 25, 2017, 12:47 PM
i'll keep this all into consideration
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