How To Help My Son
Posted: November 25, 2016, 3:35 AM

For yrs I have inabled my son. Three months ago I finally said I was done. I took out a restraining order on him. We have not talked or anything for 3 months. I told him if he wants this life then he will have to live it without his family. It hurts so bad.I cry all the time. everyone says i have done the right thing and stick to my guns. Tuff love. I think it hurts me more. He says he wants help but it is to hard. I guess I can not help he needs to want to do it on his own. What does everyone think please.
Posted: November 25, 2016, 6:33 AM

Posts: 2612
Joined: January 4, 2008

Please go over to the family board. ...they will be of more help to you there

This post has been edited by constantine on November 25, 2016, 6:33 AM
Posted: November 25, 2016, 9:37 PM

Posts: 350
Joined: October 25, 2016

I don't know about your situation but there comes a time when parents just can't do anymore. Some people reach that point sooner than others. When helping isn't helping and it is hurting you there is nothing left to do but stop enabling. You can't keep doing the same thing over and over with no end in sight and always getting the same results. Don't feel alone..many of us have fallen into that same trap. It is natural to try to save them, fix their problems and give them one more chance. When you start saying no it is very hard. I do think it gets a bit easier with practice and as time passes. You can often see things more clearly when there is some distance between you. Unfortunately, distance sometimes includes no communication. We can only do what is right for us and our lives. Our addicts have to want to change and need to do it themselves. We can't make them change no matter how hard we try.

Posted: November 25, 2016, 10:15 PM

Posts: 1368
Joined: June 27, 2016

you have done the right thing. keep reading posts, you will see your story over and over. go to naranon or alanon to help you get your life back. it is sad. It does feel like we have lost them. our sweet child is no longer in that grown up body and mind. they are in there, just stifled and altered by the drugs. you are fighting the drug, not your child. the devil within.

if you have contact, tell your son places he can go for help. you will feel like you are giving good information, yet not having to get in the trenches your self. tell him you have tried to help and it does not work, you are not an expert, he needs help from those who have training in the field.

when he refuses your suggestions, it is his choice. it is not your fault.
Posted: June 28, 2018, 11:42 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: June 28, 2018

Hi, Cyn. I'm Danny, I'm a "multi-addicted", male with a very long drug/alcohol abuse history & all the pain that comes with it, i suppose a better way to term it would be that I'm just simply addicted to escaping from reality; & stealing, lying & cheating to achieve this as often as possible are some of my earliest memories. My Mum is the most important person on earth to me (joint first place with my children), but I'm so ashamed to admit that the immense love i feel for her hasn't been enough to stop me using. A good while back now, she had to step back from me emotionally & let me go, the constant worry that my behaviour caused her, & all of the other things; arrrests, police cells, prison, near death incidents, family disagreements, hospital admissions etc just became too much for her. For a long time I didn't understand how she could bring herself to do this, & if I'm totally honest, I felt angry & abandoned, but more recently it's really began to hit home in my mind that this was all she was left with, she had to protect herself. Your son can only stop using when he has absolutely 100% had enough & he will then be ready to get well for himself, & that sounds really selfish, but it's the only way, please believe me when i say I've tried to do it for my Mum, or the mother to my children, or to keep social workers off my back, & none of it worked because i wasn't doing it for one reason I needed to be ready to do it for; to save my own life. I can remember being in one of the rehabs i did a few years back, & a few weeks in to it, part of the programme was that each client/addicts closest family member was asked to write down 10 ways that our using &/or drinking had affected them, it came to the session when it was my turn to read out what my Mum had written & I'll tell you 2 out of the 10. The first one was that she would lie awake on winter nights, listening the rain outside knowing that I was homeless & feel guilty that she had a warm bed to sleep in. The second one was that she would play with my children, who were just little toddlers at the time, & she would feel sad because she knew I should be enjoying that experience too. It hit me like a steam train to realize that I'd caused my Mum to feel sadness while playing with her Grandchildren, & to feel guilty for having a safe warm bed to sleep in. The remorse I feel over these two things alone is overpowering, & to add more shame to it (though unintentionally), my reaction at the time was to pack my bags, leave the rehab & drink myself in to an oblivion for months because i didn't allow myself to work through it & deal with it properly. That was a huge mistake on my part, my Mum had every right to be honest about her feelings, just like she had every right to protect herself by distancing herself from me, & that is totally ok for you to do as well, just don't totally close the door on him, still be there for him as i know my Mum is for me, even if it's simply on the end of a phone. I really wish you & your son all of my best wishes, & he will make it, but keep the lines of communication open with him, because a boy always needs his Mum, even when he's a man.

Danny UK.
Posted: June 28, 2018, 8:38 PM

Posts: 56
Joined: June 25, 2017

you gave up on your own son..thats got to be hard.sorry..I never did now hes dead
Posted: June 29, 2018, 12:28 PM

Posts: 115
Joined: August 29, 2015

How do you "help" your son?
You "help" your son by not helping him

He needs to feel the cold hard reality of his addiction and it's consequences

Posted: June 30, 2018, 10:29 AM

Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016


Have you had any contact with your son at all since detaching? Helpmelive said in the above post that an addict needs his mum and at least to in contact????

I have had no contact with my 47 yr. old addicted son and although I think about him almost daily, I don't miss the drama and heartache he has caused for way too many yrs.

I find myself praying for God to let me know, in some subtle way, that he is alive and ok. It has been almost 6 months since any contact from him and of course, the last time was for money!

I guess I will always miss him --especially the son I had before his addiction. We detached from him to save "us"!!!

Posted: June 30, 2018, 2:31 PM

Posts: 115
Joined: August 29, 2015

Thanks for asking

No, haven't heard from him for 4 months but that's no doubt because I detached completely...changed phone numbers, blocked email...cut off everything.

Was this cold?

It depends upon how you look at it.

To have stayed in any kind of contact would have left the door slightly open for further self abuse.
How can one detach while still in phone communication? etc. etc.

Prior to doing so I talked to multiple recovering addicts and everyone of them said the best thing that ever happened to them was the complete detachment from their families.

I love my son dearly to this day and pray for him daily.

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