Help With Clean Addicts Rage
Posted: October 18, 2016, 10:39 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: October 18, 2016

Hi there,

I am involved with a man 9 years my senior. He was using meth when we met and has a long history of drug use, 20 years. We got together, but he was using, so I told him we couldn't be together unless he was clean, and I moved back home. 10 days later he begged me to move back, saying he knew what he wanted, and it was me, not the drugs. He has been clean for two months since then.

My problem is that he has so much anger and hatred in him. When anything upsets him he lashes out at me, or completely shuts me out. I don't know how to deal with it, and I'm hoping there is something I can do to calm his rage... I can't tiptoe around him forever...

This is my last resort before I leave for good. I pray that he will stay clean if I leave, but I doubt...

I am 3 years sober AA member, so I understand the phases, just no idea what to do, and I'm tired of being hurt...

Please help...
Posted: October 18, 2016, 1:45 PM

Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008

Ya know...I just don't know what to say to this. ..your an AA for three years and you know the phases ? ...Then you must know that detox though a thousand nightmares doesn't even come close to what it feels like the first 6 months to a year...not using. ..especially if he me...long years of drug abuse...there's no way in hell my spouse would let me back in that quick...does he go to his own meetings? ...have a sponsor ?...working a program ? any support ? know better. ..he needs to figure out how to live first...maybe PapaBear can figure this still working on learning how to live without smack...and getting home..because my spouse isn't even AA...and knows better

This post has been edited by constantine on October 18, 2016, 1:50 PM
Posted: October 18, 2016, 2:34 PM

Posts: 1609
Joined: June 27, 2016

Hi - I'm going to be blunt, because I am tired.

just about all of us would say - Why did you go back to him, Why do you want this life?

You stated: My problem is that he has so much anger and hatred in him.

This is NOT YOUR Problem. It is his.

Start separating what is your problem and what is his.

Your problem is staying true to yourself. Putting on the breaks and not letting someone else's problem be yours. Life is hard enough. YOU have choices.

When successful people get to a certain place in life - it looks easy.
But it is not easy. It has taken you 3 years to get where you are. Do you want someone else to unravel all that YOU have worked for.?

Posted: October 18, 2016, 7:57 PM

Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015

I have to agree with the last two posts. I think you've come too far to let someone spoil your happiness. Life is too short to settle for less than you deserve and I think you deserve more!! Good luck. Mary🌻
Posted: October 19, 2016, 3:28 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: October 18, 2016

Well like I said, I am just about to leave, just wanted to be there to support him through the hard times... but clearly that seems to be a mistake... does no one believe in standing by the ones you love anymore?
Posted: October 19, 2016, 6:35 AM

Posts: 41
Joined: July 3, 2016

Hi T,

How much do you know about codependency? I hear a lot of addicts realise they have that new problem when the drugging is under control. I took a while, more precisely years to finally get this codependency of mine, I see a lot of people on here struggle to get it too, and then putting in practice what you learn is the next difficulty.

I think you will find that if you engage in his behaviour it becomes your problem and perhaps that the fear of what will happen to him if you leave is something to work on, because it keeps us stuck in unhealthy patterns.

So if you are not here for the obvious and arrogant "leave him", because if you are like me you have considered and planned that every day of crises, perhaps understanding codependency will be a good start.

Reading this board is very helpful, I just skip the step 2s practising step 12 kind of posts and try not to get hooked on the board as well. Have you considered checking Naranon out?

Posted: October 19, 2016, 7:30 AM

Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016

Yes, T, I believe in supporting my loved ones. . .I believe in unconditional love . . .I believe in forgiving and giving even more. But you know what??? I'm not going to do any of that if it is to my detriment. If it is hurting me. If it's not good for me. It sounds like he is using you as his punching bag. . .whether verbally, emotionally or physically. This can't be good for your sobriety. . .no less for you as a person. . .no human being should be abused. Why are you putting up with this?

What more are you SUPPOSED to do? What else do you have to give? The answer to both questions is nothing. . .because this is HIS journey.

Consider telling him the truth. . . that you can't deal with his rages. That he needs to work on his rages by himself. . .that he needs to work on his sobriety by himself . . . and when he is in control and a nice person, give you a call. Then pack your stuff and leave. . .and don't look back. But find a therapist to help you heal your heart . . .and build a stronger sense of you.

Lord knows you need a hug. . .here's a BIG one!!!!

Good luck, sweetie!


I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.

In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
Posted: October 19, 2016, 8:33 AM

Posts: 1905
Joined: October 23, 2011

"I am 3 years sober AA member, so I understand the phases, just no idea what to do, and I'm tired of being hurt..."

What does your AA sponsor and the oldtimers in your group suggest ??

Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line:

Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste

Copy & paste



--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.

---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

... I need AA more than it needs me.

--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.

...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.

---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.

--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !

---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.

---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.

... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.

---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .

"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
--Richard Rohr

WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)
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