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Will You Learn To Say No . . .letter From Addict


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: October 9, 2016, 7:27 AM
Hello all!

I'm not sure if you all have seen this before. It is terrifyingly accurate. I remember my daughter saying she loved getting high. In fact, I hear my Jill's voice saying all of this to me. Reading it brought me some peace as I mourn & try to survive from her last OD. If nothing else it reminds me . . .as it should you. . .that we are utterly powerless over this disease. . .that we have to take care of ourselves . . . as moms, dads, siblings, grandparents, partners, spouses, friends of addicts . .. to detach with love and prayers . . . to not enable. This is written by Lorelie Rozzanno ...

I NEED To Get High

I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. I’ve changed. I don’t belong to you any more. I don’t care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story. I don’t care if you can’t pay the rent. I don’t care if you need groceries. I don’t care if you promised you wouldn’t give me money again. I don’t care if you lie to Dad. I don’t care if you’re broke. Sell your rings, take a loan, sell your electronics, max out your credit cards, borrow the money from someone else, because if you don’t, I will STEAL it. I WILL find a way to get HIGH. You think you can CHANGE me, or SAVE me. You are WRONG! Something cold and dead slithers within me. I no longer respond to love or truth. You can CRY all you want. I don’t care. I have no integrity or values. My morals are a thing of the past. I will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get my next FIX.

Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake. I don’t play it because I LOVE you, I play it because I want my DOPE. I will say what ever you want to hear, I will promise you the world, I will look you in the eyes, and I WILL break your heart. Over and over again. I don’t have a heart any more. I have a HUNGER. It’s calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me.
In a strange way you’re thankful for this hunger. For when I feel it coming on, I find you, quick! Then when I’ve gotten what I want from you, I leave. You’re anxious without me. You offer to buy my food, or pay my rent. You always GIVE me something.

By now, you’re NEED is almost as great as mine.

I can’t stay SICK without you. You can’t breathe without ME.

You think you’re helping me. You believe you’re making a difference, but what you’re really helping… is my ADDICTION.

I won’t tell you this, but you know it, deep down.

If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. Me from an overdose, that you paid for, and you from a heart attack, or stroke. You’ll wait YEARS for me to change, or see the light, and I take full advantage of this. You keep my secrets and protect my lies. You clean up my messes and bail me out. You love me to the exclusion of EVERYONE else. You are bitter and resentful. You hide from your friends and isolate. You HATE. Your world revolves around one thing only… ME.

But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
I lay trapped within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying.

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on October 9, 2016, 7:37 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 304
Joined: August 3, 2016


Posted: October 9, 2016, 8:28 AM
Lynn,
How are you? I just woke up and read this. I literally have tears
Rolling down my face.....this is 100% true. It's an awful life and we
All need help. Wow...thank you for sharing.
Big big hug For you Lynn
I pray for you every day.
Love
PAULA


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: October 9, 2016, 10:10 AM
Hey Paula!

I'm here. Much to my chagrin. . .I'm still here. That's all I can say. Everything . . .every day is a challenge. . .even taking a shower. I've cried more tears than I ever knew was possible. I miss her so. I have so many emotions. . . so many things I have to accept. . . and so many questions. (This letter did answer some, tho.) The pain and emptiness cannot be described. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on re dealing w the death of a child and dealing with the death of a child due to drugs. It doesn't stop or reduce the pain. . .but it helps to know that many many other folks are in my position and have felt what I feel. . .and it provides hope . . .they survived and thrived 5, 10, 20 years after their child got their wings.

Surprise, surprise. I haven't heard from the boyfriend since I got her phone back from the cops & read their texts. He's been lying to me about almost everything. I discovered, among other things, that he had turned her out to prostitution and was acting like a pimp, and I called him on it. He blamed his addiction. I told him that what he did was inexcusable & he can't use his addiction like a shield to absolve himself. Haven't heard boo from him.

This is a tough road. A horrible path. 1,000 times worse than loving an addict. In my few sane moments, I think "She doesn't want me to suffer like this for something she did." I have very few sane moments now.

I feel your prayers and hugs. Thank you. Please continue to lift me, hubby & our family up. I've got a big birthday in a few weeks (beginning of November). . .and then there are the holidays. Not looking forward to the next few months without her.

I'm praying for and with each of you.

Love you guys,
Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on October 9, 2016, 10:20 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 304
Joined: August 3, 2016


Posted: October 9, 2016, 12:01 PM
Lynn
I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Just know you did everything
You could. I was thinking back when first started with weed and pills, we sent him to
A place that Dr Phil recommended. 30,000$ later that we borrowed, he was getting high
Again. I met with the school, therapist, church, called the courts, physiatrist, a basketball
Player that was a mentor, 12 or 13 rehabs and the same amount sober living and shelters
And the streets and I could not help. I lost sleep. Missed time from my other son who does
Not do drugs, missed my grand children, my fiancé because I put Zach first. I was gonna
Save him. Nothing!!! So, at this point he's not homeless. He supposedly is at a sober living
And with his girlfriend who has been clean about 8 months. I pray they are making good
Choices but I'm not sure. My guy says he's ok but not where he needs to be. But, I've learned
This is his journey and I have to take care of me.
I still reach for my phone all night through out the night just to make sure all is ok.
That's all we can do. Have faith and get out of Gods way.
Stay strong my friend.
We care!!!!
And, always here if you need to talk or vent.
Thank you for always listening.
Hugs
Paula


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016


Posted: October 9, 2016, 1:41 PM
Lynn--

That post is so true and my only regret is that I didn't read it and stop my enabling years ago. Might not have been in this craziness now!
Have no contact with my son and don't know if he is dead or alive. Only thing I can hope for is that I would get a call he has turned his life around or that he has my contact info on him in the case of his death. Sad situation! Never ever thought I would be saying or writing that!

I think of you so often and I pray for your peace and understanding. You are such a help to me and all the people on this forum. You keep me strong and comfort me with your posts! For that --I thank you.

Please know how much we need your incite and advice!


Paula--

It sounds like you are finally getting stronger in dealing with Z. I have been praying for that strength for you and for you to have some peace of mind in your situation with Z. You can do this and you will be helping Z in the right ways!

(((HUGS))) to both of you sweet mommas!


Posts: 53
Joined: August 28, 2016


Posted: October 9, 2016, 10:33 PM
Lynn-

I don't post much since my son is now in prison. But I read And I think of you daily. You have had to live our worst nightmare. I can't imagine what your going through. But I'm so glad you still post here. I log on daily just to keep up with everyone. But after reading this I needed to reply. As I read it I heard my sons voice saying every word. It was him!!! It made me cry! But also reminded me of what not to do. I thank you!

Stay as strong as you possibly can. You are in my heart.

Hugs!!

Lisa


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: October 9, 2016, 10:46 PM
Lynn,
Thank you for the post. Every word of it resonates with what we have seen in our addicted children for the past many years. It is true and the truth hurts... and the lies hurt worse. I have been thinking of that lately.... we can work with the truth, but when we are handed lies, we are chasing the tail.

I am still so sorry for your loss. I don't know how it feels, and know that I may some day get that phone call.... even with all the information I have and all we have done (enabling, and not enabling) I know we try our best yet there's nothing we can do to prevent these tragedies. I cant wrap my mind around how wide spread and how much of these drugs are available on the streets every day.

Paula - I feel that in the current moment my son is in the right place, but still hanging w the wrong people. he's half in half out.

I know that I have to keep telling him to go to the half way house and ask for help. In the last few weeks when he needed help I told him this.... he did not reach out. I see now that he didn't want to. he knows he cant lie to them to their face. they have been there, they know the truth.

his dad and I can not keep fixing things. it is our first impulse, but we know we've been there-done that, and our help does not help. Stay Strong.

I hope every day that that all of our addicted loved ones gain the strength to walk away from the people and things that keep their life in conflict....



Posts: 64
Joined: February 3, 2015


Posted: October 11, 2016, 12:24 AM
Lynn,

Thank you for posting this. It is so hard.... and sometimes when you feel like you have a handle on it, it jumps up and slaps you in the face. But be patient with yourself, and take care of yourself. I lost one son to suicide, and another is slowly killing himself with drugs. We love them, and hurt for them, and would do anything to help them. But letting go is so difficult. This letter you posted is so hard to read, and so helpful to read. I have saved it, along with the one about Let Me Fall....

Thank you,
Sombra


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: October 11, 2016, 7:30 AM
Yes, I am living our worst nightmare. We all know intellectually that death is one of only 4 possible outcomes when dealing with drug addiction. Well. . .at least I knew it was possible. I told my Jill this. (If you all think I'm blunt with you all, J thought I was too raw.) I told her I didn't want to bury her. She didn't care, I guess. She loved heroin more. I know that she wasn't choosing drugs over me intellectually. I know that this wasn't personal. But. . .

Sombra. . .grief and tears come in tsunami size waves. Like it is right now.

You all know that I doubt the detach with love/don't enable stuff from time to time. This letter affirmed that detaching with love & not enabling is the right thing to do for both our addicts, and more importantly for us.

Another grieving mom and I have befriended each other. This mom lost her daughter to a heroin overdose 2 or 3 weeks after I lost J. Like J, this daughter (call her Ann), lived in another state. Ann was just 30. Any old way. . .this mom enabled Ann. She went to Naranon, read books and learned about addiction but, unlike us, totally rejected tough love. Mom was paying 100% of Ann's rent for a long while. Mom always sent the money directly to the landlord. For the month of September, Ann told Mom she had a new landlord, didn't know his address, so please send all $750 to her. Mom did. You all can guess what Ann did with the money. So, in addition to all the pain that a parent has of losing their child, this Mom is agonizing over the fact that she paid for the dope that led to Ann's OD and death. Mom has soooo much guilt. She cannot be consoled or comforted. . .as far as she is concerned she killed her baby. . . Her help killed Ann.

One the morals of this story is that no matter what we do, it is still their choice. The one I really wanted to illustrate is that none of us want to be in Ann's mom's position.

Still haven't mastered the art of typing & crying. So I'll end.

Keep the faith, y'all. As long as your addict is on this side of the grass . . . whether you have heard from them or know where they are . . .there is a chance. . .a possibility . . . the hope that they will seek to be clean and sober. I'm praying with and for each of you that your addicts commit to sobriety. But the most important prayer I say is that each of you take care of yourselves. That you give yourself as much love and support as you offer your addict. I pray that you refocus your energy on what you have control over. . .your life.

Love you guys,
Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on October 11, 2016, 8:09 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 120
Joined: September 1, 2016


Posted: October 11, 2016, 10:29 AM
Hi Lynn,
Thinking of you and reading your posts.

I know the feeling about enabling and not enabling and wondering when is it ok to help and when it is enabling. As a parent you want to help your child to not suffer any legal consequences that could follow them through life, or you want to make sure they have food and shelter, at the very least.

One thing that you mentioned earlier on a different post was that your baby didn't like herself. I think that is/was probably true for my boys.

There isn't anything that we can do to help them see themselves different, but something they need to figure out on their own. I like to think that your daughter and my boy are at peace and can now love themselves.


Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016


Posted: October 11, 2016, 5:01 PM
dearest Lynn,
What a powerful message. And boy I lived through each stanza. Just believe I lost the battle, sometimes I feel that I've given up just to live my own life. The guilt is always with me. I can't help it. I want him sober. I want to visit him and his home. But because of the years of emotional abuse I received from him. I don't like to be around him.Then the guilt again, he is my son shouldn't I love him unconditional no matter what he is? or done? but I can't and then the guilt.
Like Duchess my son is still missing, one phone call is 6 months and somedays it's easier then others. At night it's the worst.

I feel for you lady but I also envy you, can you believe that? You know where J is you know god has her and she is safe, not hurting herself or anyone else. My son could be a mass murder for all I know. Is he alive? hurt, dirty in a ditch somewhere dead? I just don't know.

They say time heals all wounds, I am not sure if it does. But at least you know where your baby is.
To this day since I held my little boy I never thought he would turn out like this.

All of you parents are in my prayers that somehow there will be answer to stop the drug from spreading worse than it is and find a way to help the ones that really need it.


Posts: 3
Joined: October 11, 2016


Posted: October 12, 2016, 1:20 AM
Hi, this is the first time I have read or posted on this site, I felt I needed to hear about other peoples problems with their children, I feel so guilty, my son is 31 yrs old, not a kid any more, he started taking marijuana when he was 14, he was living with his father, whom is a wonderful man, we have always maintained our friendship for our son sake. Sometimes it wasn't easy but our son came first. He had a good up bringing, even though his parents weren't together, there was no violence, no drugs.or even smoking! I have remarried and have been with my husband for 18 years, he is very supportive of me in this situation, between us, we have 6 children and 11 grand kids, My son Anton, was a very bright and full of life kid, he was introduced to marijuana at school from another boy, I'm not blaming this boy, Anton made choices. When he was employed, the trend was he would last about 6 months in a job, then tell us the boss was a d***-head, this happened all the time. He started not coming around so much, missing Xmas time together and so on.15 yrs on, he has started getting really angry, posted some really bad comments on my face book page, so had to take him off it. We have had numerous arguments on the phone, on how I have been a terrible mom, my husband and I thought he may be on something else besides marijuana, I talk to his father regular and he suspected the same.He said he wanted to give up the weed, but were he was living, they smoke all the time and is hard to do. I asked him if he wanted to move in with us, he said he would think about it, as he didn't feel comfortable here.He has been selling drugs for quite some time, and using meth. He came around for dinner the other night, and I was shocked when I saw him, his facial features have changed, and he had been using before he came around. His father has seen him in very violent moods and said he is pure evil. How did this happen to my beautiful boy??? I couldn't let him move in, for fear of our safety, I have grand kids over regularly, I feel I have let him down, but reading some of the post on this site, has helped. His symptoms are the same as other users. I can't believe this has happened to him, I fear nothing but the worst for him, and he won't talk or listen to me, I feel so helpless. The last thing he said to me, was he was taking meth because he was disappointed in me! Please tell me the guilt leaves in time, I hate feeling like this, and I think about him all the time, where he is, what he's doing, is he warm at night, is he eating properly. If there is a god, please help him! So many of you have gone through this! How do we forgive ourselves??


Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: October 12, 2016, 7:50 AM
The first thing I can say, puku, is, welcome. You are in the right place. We are all here to support you and help you the best way we can.

Ok. . .your son says it’s your fault that he uses. IT IS NOT! This is one of the ways addicts manipulate us . . .it must be in the addict's handbook bc my 21 yo daughter suggested the same thing. She told hubby and me that we failed to protect her from sexual abuse when she was 4 or 5 yo. Hell, she didn't tell us until she was 15. . .and she was addicted to pills and alcohol by then. We didn't know or have any clue. 'Nough said. Your son is merely justifying his drug addiction. He is trying to manipulate you to do what he wants. . . which is to stop you from asking (or as he may see it, harassing him) about his addiction. What do you do after he says this to you? Do you try to make things better? Do you hush? Do you become defensive?

When did I stop feeling guilty? Hmmmm. . .sometimes the guilts still pop their ugly heads up. I guess it never entirely goes away. But I stopped letting my guilty feelings guide me when I decided I had enough. . . when I got tired of feeling guilty. . .when her addiction started to consume me. I'm glad that you’re tired of feeling guilty over your child’s addiction. Now it’s time to find a way to stop. First, calmly remind yourself (and your son) that you did not tell him to go use. He has chosen to do so all by himself. It is entirely on him. This is his responsibility to carry, not yours. Then tell your son that you are his mom and will always be concerned and will love him always. But, it is not your fault. Remember the 3 Cs: you didn't cause it; you can't control it & you cannot cure it.

Of course, we, as parents, are not perfect. So, your son may flip the script slightly. . .and tell you that things you said and did (or didn't say/do) in the past have made him develop an addiction. I don't know if this is true or not. My daughter never said this to me. Rather, i ask myself: did I do something during her childhood that may have contributed to her being an addict. . .something that damaged her self esteem . . .something that hurt her self confidence? Engaging in woulda, shoulda, coulda won't make you feel better. . .or change anything. So, what can you do now? Accept that some things you might have done when your son was younger might not have been the best things. Forgive yourself. Then apologize. Sincerely tell your son that you really messed up and you feel really badly about it. Then, you need to move on. Don’t feel guilt, because you apologized.

I hope that my thoughts help you answer your son when he says these cruel, hurtful things. More importantly, I hope and pray that you learn to lead a healthy, happy, guilt-free life. Don't let his choices ruin your life. Learn about addiction. Try not to enable. Detach with love. Stay on this board. Go to Alanon/Naranon meetings.

There is nothing you can or should do to save him. But there is a lot you can and should do to save you.

Sending a BIG hug & wishing you peace,
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on October 12, 2016, 8:01 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 3
Joined: October 11, 2016


Posted: October 12, 2016, 8:39 AM
Thank you Lyn, for someone who has been through and still going through what you have and still wants to help others, say it all, what a wonderful person you are, we don't always get the right hand dealt to us, but we do have choices. I am over whelmed that so many people have so much pain to endure. Your right, we have to forgive ourselves and stop feeling guilty, not so easy to do,but time is a great healer, I am lucky I have a large network of friends and family that care, lots of people don't. Thank you once again, will always remember this.


Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016


Posted: October 12, 2016, 9:30 AM
puku--

Your story is identical to mine! Every event you posted I have experienced the exact same thing with my 45 y/o addict. I swear they do have a drug addict's manual they all read!

Lynn is right on about all the things she posted. Her advice is so helpful and she reaches out to all of us going through this. She is someone I look for on here and her words speak to me as well as many others!

It is time to think about you--that is the only one you can change! It took me 20 plus year to finally learn this and this forum has been my saving grace! My son is MIA and I have no idea where he is or how he is. Once he realized we would no longer be his enablers, he exited from our lives. Sad to say but it has been such a reprieve for us and allowed us to regroup and get our heads on straight. We now now we should of done this years ago and maybe we wouldn't be at this point in our lives. But as Lynn said shoulda, woulda, coulda is not something we should do.

I am praying for you and your son and for strength through this craziness we all feel!

Keep coming here as it is tremendous support and great people with experience that can guide you!

(((HUGS))) Lori

This post has been edited by duchesschama on October 12, 2016, 9:31 AM


Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016


Posted: October 14, 2016, 6:08 PM
Puku
I have a 35 year old addict, he started at 15, however
I think pot was at 13, still on the fence with that one.
He has been missing for 5 months and I feel relieved and sad at the same time. I am scared of what he is doing, drugs is defo. I just hope he is not robbing people, hurting people or abusive as he can be. He is a very nice man, very convincing, he has mastered his craft at emotional blackmail. When I sit here and type I feel better for not helping him any more, it still hurts, the guilt is still there, will always be there.
What if I could of, should I done this, what happen if I force this. What it of change NO! he was to stubborn and defiant.
Can you imagine kids are now getting diagnose with a thing call ODD, obsessive Defiant Disorder.
Another excuse who knows. My son was a 'A' student, handsome, talented, athletic. Could had the world on platter. However he choose, not me HE choose to become an addict.

So you've come to the right place we all stick together, cry, vent, and just relieve some of the pent up guilt we feel.

Lynn, has been a great help to all of us.
XX
Sue

This post has been edited by Helplessness on October 14, 2016, 6:08 PM


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016


Posted: October 14, 2016, 8:20 PM
Im thinking about my feelings about my son. I do not feel guilty. he does not abuse us. I feel sad that he is sad. sad that life is hard for him. each day I hope and be there in thoughts and spirit. hope that each next day brings something that clicks for him and turns this around.

yes, if he abused us verbally or physically, it would be easier and necessary to turn my back. and I would.

for now I am trying to stay detached, try not to enable. let him do what he needs to do without rushing in to save him, or plan for him. I dont set up anything that I can't and don't want to be part of. he needs to participate in his recovery.




Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016


Posted: October 15, 2016, 12:10 AM
Aaaawwww. . .y'all are going to make me blush!!!!

I'm just sharing my ideas, thoughts & experiences. Typing this stuff out is therapeutic for me. I thank you all for listening to me babble, rant, rave, scream and cry.

I told y'all I can't cry & type yet. I'm not crying right now because I'm sad. I'm crying because I'm feeling so blessed by having each of you!!! Happy tears???!!

Muah. . .
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on October 15, 2016, 12:11 AM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved


Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008


Posted: October 15, 2016, 9:53 PM
Bump up


Posts: 354
Joined: January 10, 2016


Posted: October 16, 2016, 3:03 PM
NY
You are so lucky your son hasn't hurt, or threaten you. My son beat me once, attack his brothers numerous times even with a knife. He robbed his youngest brother in Jan, first time in N's life he beat the hell out of him, which he did deserved. But he was so high that he don't remember the beating.

My son has threaten me with suicide, attempted once, ended up on life support for four days, they weren't sure his liver was going to recover. Threaten me that he would rob and go back to jail if he didn't get something to eat. He wrote stories while in jail how much he hated me, wanted to kill me. Because I wouldn't pay a lawyer to get him out. He attacked his stepmother. Yeah I was deathly afraid of my son.

Pray each day that your son never turns like mine has. I can say now he doesn't hate me, but because the bank closed he has stop calling me. I just want him better, alive and productive. I want to know where he is alive? or dead. I pray and pray that a miracle will happen and he will be sober one day. It's all I have now with him.

I will keep you in my prayers that your son makes it xxxx

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