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Posted: December 22, 2015, 9:09 AM
I met a guy online, we clicked and soon started texting and arranged a date. On meeting we hit it off straight away, he told me that first night that he was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, that he'd even been in prison for drug related crimes. I decided that that was his past and the fact that he had been clean for three years and was working so hard to rebuild his life and was even at university studying hard. He was so positive and down to earth I couldn't help but like him and feel I trusted him.
I started to see him and after a few weeks he came and stayed, he told me he had had some bad news about his mother that day and he was trying to process it, I told him he can talk to me and I am more than happy to just listen to be there. He said he'd had a drink that day too, I didn't question it as I could see the news had hurt him. He didn't want to talk he said he wanted to enjoy his time with me away from the pressure of university work. So we had a lovely two days, I'd cooked for him and let him relax. On the next date he'd been up all night finishing an assignment that was due in the following day, I did worry about the stress he was putting himself under by the lack of sleep ect. I picked him up from his place, he told me to pick him up from outside a pub... He admitted to me he'd had another drink too. He came across as quite stressed and I did my best to calm him down and put him at ease. I drove him to a shop to get tabaco and then back to mine, he was lovely to me and again I just let him relax. He seemed to spend more time in the bathroom although I didn't question it and the next day took some tablets which he said were for the pain in his legs as he gets trouble with them from all the years of injecting. I dropped him home in time for him to go to one of his meetings that he attended regularly, I knew his recovery came first and that I would support him in any way I could. This last week he seemed to be very quiet, he said some nice things but for nearly three days blanked me, I became worried and then Sunday night he texted me and told me this last week he'd relapsed and had taken heroine, crack cocaine and had formed a habit. He was going into detox for seven days and was messed up. I replied with nothing but care and said that he must be strong and do this and that he has so much going for him. I also said I will support him and help in anyway I can. I then got a call from him, firstly saying he hadn't used that day, that he was going into detox and that he cannot be in a relationship, his sponsor advised him to end it. He seemed angry and asked if I understand I said of course I do... I don't want to hinder his recovery and if this takes pressure away and helps him I have to step back. He said I cannot contact him during detox which I respect and wouldn't anyways. He said he will contact me after detox and let me know how he is.. And that I should just try and enjoy Christmas. I noticed last night he'd been on whatsapp? I thought he'd have no phone... That they don't allow use of them as they can be a distraction in their recovery? I feel so lost and so hurt I want him to recover and get himself clean...I just don't know why it all happened and feel guilty that I could have made him relapse. This is a situation I never imagined myself to be in. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you x | ||
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Posted: December 23, 2015, 9:29 AM
Dear Rachel,
I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. First things first: the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. You had no part in his relapse. He has been struggling with this problem long before you came into the picture, it has nothing to do with you. Second: it sounds like you're already getting sucked down the rabbit hole of dating an addict and let me tell you...it's neither a pretty nor an easy road. This is only the beginning. If I were you, I'd think long and hard about whether that's the sort of life you want for yourself. I'm sure he's a great guy - they all are - but he's also an addict and that is something that he will have to fight against for the rest of his life, with all the ups and downs that that entails. You're still in time to save yourself before you get too involved and it becomes infinitely more difficult to leave. Third: If you end up deciding you want to stay, or even if you decide not to actually, try going to some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, which are for the family and loved ones of alcoholics (the first one) and drug addicts (second one). They can give you the tools to help you not to allow the addiction to consume your life and suggestions on how you can face this and other problems. I wish I'd started going to meetings years ago, I think I might have been able to keep myself from becoming completely consumed by my partner's addiction. Even though I've left him and moved to a different city, I'm still a mess from all the things that I went through and I've found that Al-Anon is the only thing that has helped. If nothing else, it gives you a place where you can talk to people who understand what you're going through and who pass no judgement. The last bit of advice is the same I am trying to give myself: love yourself and put you first. You haven't got a chance in hell of helping anyone else out if you're not doing that. Best of luck to you, darling. Sadie | ||
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