My First Love, & Our Son, Need Guidance Please.
Posted: April 30, 2015, 1:31 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: April 30, 2015

Where do I even begin?
I need anybody's help, guidance, opinion, anything to help me get through this tough time in my life.
I'm 21 years old and I'm also 6 months pregnant. I'm also very much doing this alone.
Last year I fell in love with a man that would be my first love, and possibly the love of my life, he will also have given me my first child.
When I met him, he had just been released from prison after serving 6 years, he has been in and out of prison his whole life since he was 17, he will now be 37 years old.
I fell completely and utterly in love with him, he made me feel on top of the world, I had my whole life planned with him, everything was perfect...for the first couple of months before he got introduced to meth again.
He has made a downward spiral to rockbottom, he's jobless, he has no house, he lives out of my brother in laws shed, and now he no longer has me.
he has cheated on me with a married woman who is also a meth/heroin addict and still continues to see her to this day. What hurts the most is that the person he is now is not who he really is, I don't know who he is now. He has lost all love for me, speaks to me like im nothing, like we never fell in love. What I really need help is trying to understand this. How do I convince someone to get help when they refuse to hear me out? How do I try and get him help when theres a woman in the way of that? & will my son have the power to make him change? Please help me, I don't know what to do, I feel like maybe I let him down, maybe I didn't do enough to help him, or I wasn't there enough for him. I could really need your help, please.
Posted: April 30, 2015, 12:31 PM

Posts: 220
Joined: December 21, 2014

Dear Mantha:

You ask a good question: "How do I convince someone they need help?".
Answer: You can't.

You are powerless over someone else's addiction. This is what is taught in codependent programs such as Al Anon or NAR ANon. If you have not considered these groups, I encourage you to do so. They are in the telephone book, meeting directory's online, and should have meetings near you.

You will be surprised at how welcome and understood you are. Find someone who is willing to be a sponsor, even if it is just to get you to introduced to the program.

Please forgive me if my next point upsets you. I am writing this because I am a father of a lovely young woman. I am telling you what I tell my daughter: Love is a decision, not an emotion. If you plan on entering into a relationship to last decades and produce children, then careful consideration needs to be pondered before moving the relationship forward. I believe you in that your man is a good person, but just in dire need of help. I am not convinced,however, that he is a good fit for a long-term relationship, especially if children are to be involved. He is no use to you, or children, if he is unable to take care of himself responsibly.

I hope this helps, and good luck.

Posted: April 30, 2015, 1:14 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: April 30, 2015

Dear Fly,
I really do appreciate your opinion on my situation, I know convincing someone is really leap, considering that they are going to want help for themselves.
It completely destroys me to know that I have to move on without him, because all I wanted was a family with him.
But if it will protect me and my son from getting hurt over and over again, im willing to learn to get through this. I will definitely look into those classes.
Thank You again.
Posted: June 4, 2015, 1:42 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: June 4, 2015

hi everyone.. i need help in dealing with my husband. He is been using drugs for 1 year and I knew it a month ago. Now we are in the process of helping him to stop using it with the help of his family. we even tried to get him in rehab but he refused to undergo with it so what we are doing right now is supporting him in everything he wants and we give him the attention he long but despite all of this we still received feed backs that he is still using what worst is every time we confront him he always blame me of what is happening to his life. I'm so tired..please help me on how to help my husband to stop using it :(
Posted: June 4, 2015, 2:39 PM

Posts: 220
Joined: December 21, 2014

Dear Angel,

What you are attempting is very understandable, and very common when a spouse or parent is concerned about an addict in their famly.

Addiction is not like breaking a bad habit, like sleeping too late in the morning, keeping a messy room, eating poortly, not exercising.

It is a supernatural kind of problem.

In short, there is nothing you can do to help. The only thing you can do is STOP if you are enabling in any way. Addicts are experts at "passing the buck" of responsibility of actions & behavior onto someone else. This makes for more misery.

It is the addict's job to decide if they've had enough, to the point where they will get help. There is help all around - much of it free like AA, NA, etc. These programs work, if they want it with complete abandon and honesty.

For you, you may consider a codependent program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. Please don't try to handle this by yourself - there are many people around you who have walked in your shoes and have found a better way to live. These programs work - I have many, many friends to credit their sanity to Al Anon, for example.

I hope this helps. Message back if you have questions.

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