Recovery Maze
Posted: September 25, 2020, 4:25 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



So I after years of popping pills, drinking low quality alcohol, smoking low quality weed I really lost it. The hell with this scary amusement park and withdrawals. I had surrounded my self with junkies and dealers and convinced myself that they're supportive or have good music taste. So I stopped at one point 'cause the image of me around these freaks was disgusting me & it happened only gradually. Real world is scary and I'm still trying to avoid it by making imaginary friends, relationships, dates dinner and all. I workout quite often take care of my body and mind I dont drink alcohol or watch porn or smoke cigarettes. But yeah I know this pattern first I think oh I did it after a few months I think so what, I did it a couple of times before and I can do it again. So lets add collors to my imaginary world with a little bit of pot and yeah I know I'm close to the edge. I know I'm close to that fall , 'cause once the "I did it" excitement is gone I think of it as a good sauce to the whole reality and real world with its phony people. I'm single af btw. I don't think I'll ever date anyone again since I don't need no d***. Lord please take the fcking temptation out of my mind.
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Posted: September 29, 2020, 4:18 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



I think I relapsed mentally. But didn't relapsed physically. The story is like this I started messaging a friend I had blocked long time ago. I knew he always had loads of s***ty weed at his place. I then deleted the message but hw got the notification and started messaging back. I really needed to talk to someone but I know why I chose this person. We talked and in the morning I read an article about relapse 3 stages. Emotional, mental and physical. Then he asked me if I needed some thing to smoke I could come over to his place which I said. Nope. And blocked the number. I guess my anger and frustration was a sign that I was close to relapsing. But the 30 minute wait for urges. I really need to practice that and some meditation to Relax. Thatz all.
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Posted: September 30, 2020, 1:31 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



I'm not sure why meditation doesn't work like the first day my anger is so out of control I'm using curse words all the time, not out loud but it's out of control. I didn't abuse alcohol and felt pretty confident but it was like a mental melt down I said bad words to my mom, 'cause she called and I woke up from 15min afternoon nap, I work from home and there is a building being constructed and they're digging the rock ground so it's a torturing noise 8 am till 6pm. Maybe Im running out of will power. I have zero motivation for exercise since I'm single. I know I am going to be single and have no kids for the rest of my life because I screwed up my best chances and although I'm still in shape and young, I know my mood swings will ruin any good chance. And I can't afford to go to therapy. So maybe all those dreams of Jesus & mother nature taking care of me was just a dream. I'm not sure they care about me. I could be anything but my poor choices and spoiled character exacerbated the situation & now I ended up as this unmotivated unhappy creature and I can't feel anything like love. But joy and passion come to me from time to time. There's still hope. Thank God the relapse was not physical.

This post has been edited by Momo on September 30, 2020, 1:39 PM
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Me recovered
Posted: October 5, 2020, 4:58 PM







It's me again. Hey diary. Just reviewed 12 steps. Keeping a diary. Just saw a note I had written on the mirror first September which went like this : Can I Do It Or Not? I was challenging my self to go back on track of recovery . I think I'm now mastering the steps. I know how addictive thoughts distort my feelings and contaminate my judgments. My addictive thoughts can turn the devil into a an angel in my eyes and make cravings feel like missing a true friend. Sometimes it happens so fast that I can't even trace the train of thoughts and emotions that led to relapse. So now I know. I swear I was so close to the edge but higher power took care of me reminded me of all vices and evil tricks od addiction.
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Posted: October 11, 2020, 4:51 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



I write about this sober October more, started meditation again. I try to absorb sunlight for half an hour every day, still didn't make time for exercising. I think all these years of doing drugs made me unable to make real friends and connect to people. But at least I have my family and one good friend from high school. So basically I am recovered again. Hope this time it will last forever.
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Posted: October 15, 2020, 5:47 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



I now know my relapse patterns. It always starts with me getting super angry with my parents and assuming they don't like me or are disappointed by me. I watched a video on YouTube called 60 reasons to quit marijuanna. The whole chanel was very helpful. I'm only curious if I will ever be so stupid to think all the mood swings, hormone imbalance and disappointing my loved ones is worth half an hour of silly excitement. It's a challenge to make it a recover forever.
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Posted: October 15, 2020, 5:52 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



Maybe I should turn this into recovery journal. I must be very careful about my seasonal depression too. I'm not going to take any medication but just let me be sad when I'm sad and I should work on saying no to friends we did drugs together in the past since even visiting them clean and sober is a mental relapse cause the only good memories we had in common was dope.
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Posted: October 19, 2020, 5:05 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



Me is doing well on the recovery path. It's been roughly two months. Keeping a diary was gr8. Im taking some online classes about exercising theories. Keeping my self busy, taking enough sunshine. Not letting my mind tp get ahead of me. Not letting my little nasty thoughts to take the wheel. I'm grateful for each and every moment of me enjoying a sober life. Stopped all my demons and I'm feeling my best. I'm not gonna take any offer from the devil even if life turns into a hell of troubles and misfortunes. I promise myself. I owe myself that.
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Posted: October 21, 2020, 4:55 PM


Posts: 38
Joined: October 6, 2019



I feel so lost and close to the edge. I can't talk to anybody because no one cares. No one gives a damn and I don't know why suddenly I'm feeling so lonely. I miss having a boyfriend and I mean a real one. But I'm not gonna get lucky since I don't have hope. I realized that I am not made for a long lasting relationship and I'll suffer from this natural tendency to be in a relationship. But I was in a relationship with my self I don't know what changed since yesterday. The fckin seasonal depression hits real different now I'm miserable even in my dreams. I have been busy but as soon as I find time I start to feel bad about the thought of me being single forever. I don't know if I'll get better without training and I'm having suicidal thoughts each morning. I hate to take depression pills and I hate feeling the way I do.
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