Functioning Addict, Continuous Relapses
Functional Addict
Posted: June 7, 2016, 7:49 PM

My problem is that nothing detrimental has ever happened to me directly due to weed. I have been smoking weed for 11 years now, and have been smoking daily since my last break 5 years ago.

I was introduced to weed my senior year in high school but it wasn't until I started college the following year later through my boyfriend (that I met the first week) an upperclassman and also a weed dealer) Most of my circle of friend smoked in college and saw how weed affected people differently, I developed the attitude that as long as my grades were good, weed wasn't a problem.

The first time I realized I had a problem was the next year after my boyfriend and I broke up and had to started paying for weed lol It didn't take long for me to realize that I couldn't stop smoking weed despite telling myself every time that this was the last time I would buy bud. All the people I chose to surround myself with after the break up, were other student smokers. So in effort to quit weed for good, I signed up to go abroad in program with no one else from my school in Perugia Italy.

Italy was the first time I took a long break from smoking, hash is abundant there but i didn't like it. Towards the end of the semester, a female british student was found murdered. The next day I was really freaked out and was walking to class when I see a dealer that offers me hash, I stupidly follow him thinking nothing could happen since its mid day and end up getting assaulted. I tell my school, and in light of everything that happened, they let me to go visit my college friend studying in Amsterdam, it was there that I started smoking spliffs and started my addiction to nicotine.

I came back to the US amid the economic recession so I got enrolled into a master's program that only required an additional year of schooling. I went abroad again and took another 3 months break of smoking marijuana. That was the last over 48 hour break I would have from smoking marijuana until this day. But even then I really was just substituting it with alcohol.

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to give a backdrop, the rest is short, since then I have tried to quit but only manage on cutting back or stoping for a few orders, just enough in order to get my life back in the necessary order to continue sustaining this life style. What I mean is, I found that most of the motivation for my actions in my life is was in order to either continue justifying my weed use or supporting my weed addiction. I had a part time job in college, which paid for my weed addiction.

I even moved to california so I could get weed legally and abundantly. I have been in california for over 5 years now and I know I will not starve myself of food in order to buy weed but work just enough to sustain myself and my habit. I thought I was trying to mask some depression or problem with weed but I found that weed was the source of my depression. I miss important deadlines, Jobs interviews yet I can't seem to stop. Even after being fired for being late (most likely weed related) and realizing the unseen devastating affects its having on my life now and not even enjoying the feeling anymore knowing the negative consequences I can't seem to stop the complusion and the obsession.

Weed has taken the joy out of my life and my motivation/desire to succeed, yet knowing that I go 24 hours maybe 48 hours before rationalizing some reason to smoke or even worse picking a fight with someone around me in order to relapse.

In the last 6 months I have tried to stop smoking at least 3 times, going to France for 2 weeks but I can't seem to stop the obsession and the compulsion that arises after the first few hours. I don't even enjoy smoking when i am smoking at this point. But every time I have the resolve to quit, after a couple of hour the depression from the withdrawal sets in and its so bad I can't get myself to leave my room, sometimes my bed unless I tell myself that I can smoke a spliff if I go outside like what I would do in the college dorms.

May be it was my years of using weed as the rewarded I needed to get my school work done but for some reason, despite my best most rational efforts and careful planning, I keep relapsing less than 2 days in. I see the long term negative impact weed has had on my life AND I don't want to give up on recovery or so if you guys have any tips that could help me break this relapse cycle I don't want to waste anymore of my life or ruin anymore relationships with this weed obsession I have developed. Thank you
Posted: July 5, 2016, 12:41 AM

Posts: 86
Joined: April 16, 2014

Hey there, good job on taking control of your life. Be aware that it takes bit while to get away from addiction when you try it. You need at least 2 months to get back on track.
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