20 Years Flew By
Posted: April 14, 2018, 11:07 PM

I am 36 years old. I have used meth for the last 20 years. Daily (multiple times a day, of course) for the last 16 years. I got clean for almost 60 days once. Clean by circumstance for small spurts of time (3-5 days, at most), but that was just a handful of times.
For the last 5 years, I've been "functional". As in, I have a full-time job. I get to work on time and don't call in. I have an 11 year old son who is amazing. I've been very "soccer mom" on the outside while failing to overcome my addiction on the inside. My mom is also an addict and has always had a full time job, participated in my school and sports regularly, and no one would ever guess she's an addict. I guess I had a good example. Kind of. She told me she used when I was 16 years old. I don't think that had much bearing on me using, ultimately, but I know throughout my life that if she didn't use, it would have been easier to get and stay clean. Living in her home off and on made it nearly impossible to get clean. I'm scared to death the pattern will continue onto my son, even though I don't plan on telling him like my mom did me. We have very clear rules about drugs and we are open in our communication. He's also 11. I know the hard times are yet to come. That's a whole other post, though.
What I'd like to know, is since I haven't hit bottom (well, I may have but bounced back) and there's no sign of that happening anytime soon, how do I find the motivation to get clean? I would like to because I really can't afford my habit (we scrape by and have no savings). I also hate that I need it like I do. I am in co-dependent relationships, traditionally. My marriage of 6 years and my current boyfriend who hasn't worked since EVER. Obviously there are many drawbacks to using and I'd like to be done with it. Just not enough to actually do it, I guess. i am pretty sure my brain has changed, at this point, because I literally get dizzy after a couple days of not using. I can't stay awake for any length of time. I find no joy in ANYTHING. And I find life without meth absolutely mind numbingly boring I get that's not the end of the world, but to me - it's soul crushing. IDK.
My trouble with the law has definitely effected my life but I haven't had any trouble with the law in about 8 yrs. I'm no longer running around at 3 am without current registration, like an idiot. My only drug problem would be if I didn't have drugs - which never happens.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, I guess. I'm just throwing a rock and hoping it hits something, I guess. Maybe someone has something to say that will really hit home and I'll have that AHA moment. Can't hurt - might help.
Posted: April 15, 2018, 2:45 PM

Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016

Hopefully, your "AHA" moment won't come too late! Unfortunately, even though you think you are hiding your addiction, you will eventually be discovered. I am sorry, but I don't believe your 11 y/o will not know about your addiction. Even if he doesn't know now, he will find out. Kids today are very astute and know more than you think!

You mention you have a boyfriend that never works--is that a good role model for your son? Being a "functional" meth addict isn't going to last forever because eventually your health will cave and then where will your son be? With your mother, that is an addict? In foster care? You need to rethink where this is all going. Waiting for yourself to hit your "bottom" may only be too late!

I am the parent of a 47 y/o meth addict. He has been to hell and back! He still chooses to dance with the devil and has burned all his bridges. He has nothing and lives a horrible existence! He also thought he could hide his addiction and did for a while until he hit age 40. Now he has renal and liver failure as well as brain damage. There is no escaping the damage long term meth use does!

If you continue on this path you won't be around for your son! This lifestyle will only have a sad ending!

You sound like you want off this crazy ride and ,if so,you know what you need to do! I am a firm believer that if you want to change ,then you can make it happen. Question is--how bad do you want it?

Prayers for wise choices and for you and your son--Lori
Posted: April 16, 2018, 1:04 AM

Thank you, Lori.
Posted: July 14, 2018, 12:54 AM

When i read ur letter, it was like i was reading about myself, except in my case its 14years & bit more "advanced", i think. I lost 2 daughters to the welfare when i tried to get help. They told me i could get them back after 6months if i go to rehab & clean up. So i cleaned up but never got them back. At that stage of my life i had no more reason to live, no one to go home to & no responsibility. So u can just imagine what my life was like then.. I'm glad to say that i got better (same stage as u at the moment) although i never got them back. its now 5years later,,my 19year old daughter started working & looks after herself. My 15year old daughter is still in the children's home. Although it a very upper class place & she's happy there,, getting to go places, do & have stuff that i would never have been able to give her. I still battle to forgive myself for what I've done. They were just 8 & 13 when the welfare took them. I tore our family apart & caused them so much pain. What makes it worse is that they don't hate me. U see i was also under the impression that they didn't know. I was always very careful. But they did, coz I'm their mother. Kids always know. They know just by looking at u, or when ur sleeping a lot, being awake a lot. From the little things u say & do. They know. What I'm trying to say is that i don't know u, but I know ur life, ur feelings. I'm still a addict, fighting a losing battle. It's to late for me but not for u. Pls pls be the one that got away. Think about what it would do to ur child. The scar he'll have if it doesn't break him. Irreparable damage. U have to imagine his pain to get a fright. Get help at the right place, or get a implant. I've heard it works. Spend all ur money & time on him coz those are things u will miss & regret most when he's not there anymore. Stay away from people & places with memories of drugs. Its not to late for u. U still got a reason. Pls take my life story & overcome ur addiction. It would also help me feel a little bit better if I knew that some good came out of all the pain I caused. Just get through one day at a time. I wish u all the luck in the world.
Luv, yaz..
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