Secret Abuser
Posted: January 3, 2018, 5:18 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: January 3, 2018



I'm a secret abuser of snorting percs. Only friends I got sucked into this addiction with and dealers know what I do. I have a very professional career and a couple kids, but nobody in my family or work knows. I've been able to keep my addiction a secret for 4 years now. Recently I got a settlement of a good amount and have been spending stupid money on percs. Snorting 15 to 20 every 2 days. Finally after the new year 2018 i got some subs off the streets and have been using those to get thru withdrawals because I want and need to quit. I need some words of advice on how to avoid relapsing?
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Posted: January 3, 2018, 5:24 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: January 3, 2018



I have been using small pieces of 8mg subs whenever I feel withdrawals coming on to avoid withdrawal from subs. I've distanced myself from enablers but it's the will power of not messaging my dealer "can you find" whenever I'm craving the high or stressed. So I'm just asking for support going thru this alone. I won't confide in family to avoid having to deal with their disappointment. I can do this on my own. I just need to find the will.
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Posted: January 4, 2018, 9:27 AM


Posts: 6262
Joined: May 27, 2005



Doing it alone will make it pretty difficult. We're as sick as our secrets. Isn't there anyone you can confide in? At one time or another we all have to ask for help. It's not a weakness.

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१२ स्तैप्पैर!


kat11100@comcast.net

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain

Just because the monkey's off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town

Laugh because it shows people that you have what they want and what they need: a hope in things unseen, a peace that passes understanding, and a God of miracles who also has a great sense of humor.

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Posted: January 7, 2018, 1:26 PM


Posts: 814
Joined: June 25, 2005



Hey Doll. Hope you're doing ok. Take it from someone who's used willpower to quit numerous times. Im back again; thats where its gotten me. Unfortunately will power can only take you so far. Ive never been to a meeting due to my false bravado and starting to think maybe I don't have all the answers. I'm definitely honest with my friends, doctor, family (ish), but thats simply not enough I'm guessing. Time to take a new approach. Theres literally millions of us going thru the same thing as you, you're far from alone. We should really take full advantage of the overflowing abundance of wisdom from people who've been through the trenches. Have a wonderful Sunday.

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"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
#99
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 6:36 PM


Posts: 9244
Joined: December 1, 2005



Welcome.

I, too, thought I had it hidden from most everyone, getting promotions at work, flying around high as a kite or sick as a dog but able to pull it off as the flu. Until I got clean and out of the fog (about 3 months for my brain to function correctly on all cylinders) did I realize how emotionally checked out of everyone's life I actually was. I was there physically, I would correspond with my children, show up at the baseball games & events but I couldn't FEEL anything, I was just a numbed out, pilled out Mom.

Today I can tell you it's so much better on the other side. Life isn't easy, in fact at times, life actually SUCKS but it's so much easier to feel through it with the support of the women in recovery that I am surrounded by, I don't walk through anything alone anymore and they also reassure me that my feelings will change and they won't kill me.

I did it off of will power for about 2 years, relapsing after 4-5 months, then get clean again a few weeks later and I just could not understand WHY such a strong willed women that has been through so much couldn't not take a little f*cking pill then I was introduced back into a 12 step program by a group of women and a few men on this site who suggested I do something different and I took that advice back in July of 2006.

I'm still a very active member in my 12step groups and I have so much gratitude for the people on this site who weren't afraid to speak to me the truth and suggest the very things I didn't want to do.

Keep coming back, you're amongst your people here.
Take care & be careful,
Stacey


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Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 6:59 PM


Posts: 49
Joined: June 25, 2017



There a people that no.you just have no idea they do no your secret. Please no that. Good luck ...hope your well.poopie
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Posted: January 10, 2018, 7:48 PM


Posts: 814
Joined: June 25, 2005



Stacey, out of all your pragmatic, profound words over the years, this last post really hit the nail for me.

Im a relatively social person blessed with great friends and a large family and it's very telling how Ive spoken to more friends in the last 4 days than the last 4 months. I wouldn't even answer my phone unless I was within 15 minutes of putting 3 percs in my face. It's clearly the other way around. Ive answered every call and I feel like a pile of goose droppings.

But what you said about parenting is so bang on to my experience. Couldn't have said it better

How in the world did I forget, or choose to forget rather, about the nuance of sobriety?

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"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
#99
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Posted: January 10, 2018, 7:48 PM


Posts: 814
Joined: June 25, 2005



Hi poopie! Hope you're doing better.

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"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
#99
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Posted: January 10, 2018, 9:51 PM


Posts: 49
Joined: June 25, 2017



we joined at the same time you feb2005..me mar 2005...were still here I'm doing good.
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Posted: May 8, 2018, 7:24 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: May 8, 2018



Hi!!!! How’s it going? I too have been living a secret life! I have a little one and a professional job. The fear of withdrawal taking me out of service has kept me hooked.

It started just a couple a day... it gave the energy I needed with a brand new baby. Then it got to 120 10 mg hydrocodone a month. One I lost my source for those i found a couple oxycodone sources. So I started taking anywhere for 4-7 30mg blues A DAY. Well my supply ran out and none were to be found last Wednesday. I was able to get some 7.5 hydrocodone and I have been tapering. Thursday was bad! Friday rough but not horrible and the weekend I progressively got better. Today I have only taken 2.5 of the 7.5 pills. I’m really proud of myself bc I found some blues and I have them. I have had them for a couple days and haven’t touched them.

Now I worried about WD’s. Even though I have tapered, from what I have read it sounds like I’m still screwed! I’m terrified!
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Posted: May 9, 2018, 12:38 AM


Posts: 3
Joined: May 9, 2018



Reading your last 2 posts was eye-opening for me because I am in the exact same position as you. Work, family, secret etc... Using methadone, worrying about withdrawals but more worried about the mental aspect of it and overcoming temptation. I would love to connect with you to talk more. It's hard when you are a secret abuser and have no one who understands.
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Posted: May 10, 2018, 12:32 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: May 5, 2018



Was a secret abuser for 5 years but my wife found out and I wanted to get clean also. I have not taken a pain pill the past 3 weeks.
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Posted: May 10, 2018, 3:45 PM


Posts: 49
Joined: June 25, 2017



I so sorry!! your pain was so bad ,you hid has a shameful deed.we all do that I didn't my wife new. And loved me ..but I still, just has prescribed she holds them .4 a day and I never ask for more, people say I'm not a addict ..but I am because when I don't have them back in the day I would lay in bed restless legs no motivation and live for the next refill have no appetite to speak of and smell every dame thing in the house that made me even more depressed but the blah feeling was the worst feeling and all the racing thoughts when my mind was in w/d omg.ok good luck. You can do it...if you really want it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted: May 10, 2018, 6:45 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: May 5, 2018



Thanks Sally I had back pain and was proscribed pain pills at first I would take them as needed but over the years started taking more and more. I also get restless legs one of the many withdrawal symptoms. I just got tired of hiding it and having to go through withdrawals telling my wife I had a cold or flu and then going to work. I tried to quit the past 3 years. This is probably the longest I’ve gone without it in 4 years.
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Posted: May 10, 2018, 7:34 PM


Posts: 49
Joined: June 25, 2017



yes its very hard and pretending to be ok ,When your in w/d is a nightmare plus working in w/d you want to just run away ,but its right behind you. I don't no what to say the .motivation and that blah feeling always made me go back over and over again. You will get to the other side. Try looking on u-tube (Ryan Donnelly) he's a great man ..listen to him it will help you a lot. Trust me.to feel utterly alone is bad to, when you look at your family and your sitting on the couch and saying omg if she only new...and than feel like wth...aloneness is a killer but you can get to happy times again,time is the answer my friend time. And getting some face to face help.hang in there your doing pretty good 3 weeks you say not bad..
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Posted: May 10, 2018, 11:23 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: May 5, 2018



Thanks for the advice I well look up Ryan Donnelly. We’re only as sick as the secrets we keep. I know it only gets easier each day. I come here to not feel alone and to get advice and sometimes give advice. It helps to not feel alone. Your stories your struggles and triumphs all give me hope.
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Posted: May 16, 2018, 5:30 PM


Posts: 49
Joined: June 25, 2017



So did you look him up? Hes awesome ..ok take care..hugs
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Posted: May 17, 2018, 1:42 AM


Posts: 10
Joined: May 5, 2018



Yes I did he is good thanks I'll listen to him on the way to work tomorrow.
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Posted: May 17, 2018, 8:21 PM


Posts: 49
Joined: June 25, 2017



that's great I'm thinking of you.hope life gets better for you.you will get happy again happier matter of fact.
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Posted: May 18, 2018, 5:08 PM


Posts: 10
Joined: May 5, 2018



Things are going good I have my goods and bad days and through out the day. It's been 30 days and I have not gone more then 30 days in 5 years. Simple pleasures I enjoy more like food, I have and appetite for food I have not had in years. Ryan Donnelly gave great advice I subscribed to his channel. I thank you for your encouragement and advice.
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