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Posted: March 21, 2016, 7:22 PM
I have been suffering from OCD, depression and anxiety for 23 years. It's the same old recipe everyone on this sight has probably gone through.
It started when I was 20 years old and now I am 43. I had my severe episodes but it has been a living hell since January 2015- let me explain I was on a weird combination of Paxil and Ciprelex- and it was working! In January 2015, I started a decline. My psychiatrist decided that we needed to stabilize on one medication and we choose Cipralex. That went horribly and by March I was taken off the Cipralex and put back on the Paxil. I am sure you all guessed what happened? Withdrawal effects from the Paxil and then withdrawal effects from the Cipralex when I was put back on the Paxil. My psychiatrist was astonished that this had happened as they were both medications in the same class. I 'existed' in extreme emotional pain working a high stress job. To ease the anxiety the psychatrist prescribed Xanax- well that was not a great idea. If any of you are familiar with the Guns N Roses song Mr. Brownstone, my experiences with Xanax went as follows: 'I use to do a little but a little would not do it it so the little got more and more, just trying to get a little better, a little better than before' I was initially prescribed 3 x .25 Xanax per day. Well I had a stock pile of Xanax from previous times that I never took. I was upto and exceeding 12 pills per day. I was sleeping all the time- I was perpetually stoned and wanting more. The only reason is because it eased my horrible soul crushing pain. I managed to ween myself back to 3 x .25 per day. (I did this myself with the advice of my physician) Finally, by October, I was down to 1/2 .25mg and I was on top of the world. I was back to my old self. I came to learn that old habits dies hard.... For reasons I still can not figure out, I started taking Xanax again- I was not depressed or anything just a little burnt out from my job. I thought it would take the edge off. I climbed to a high dosage.(I was going from 12 x .25mg to 3 x .25 mg) I was on Christmas vacation and all I did was sleep for two weeks- morning to night. I only got up to eat cereal and take more Xanax. It was like being in a perpetual coma. i realized that I could not function so I lowered my dosage to 3 x .25mg and I just stopped cold turkey. I started to go through the most terrible withdrawal symptoms that words can not describe. I can't even begin to explain the mental torture that occurred (I was diagnosed as borderline psychotic). My psychiatrist freaked out when he found out I went cold turkey prescribed 75mg of Librium. (Now I am trying to wean off that med) I have been better but my OCD is raging OUT of control. I am having OCD thoughts about getting back with a girl that I dated when I was 15 years old ( do the math- over 27 years ago!!!) Granted she was my 'first' but I have not seen or spoken to her in 27 years!!! I have been with my wife since I was 16 years old. Not only do these thoughts scare m e but what do they mean? I looked up my old girlfriend on Facebook and LinkedIn and she has three kids. I have literally thought about this girl 10 times in 27 years and now I can't get her off my mind!!!!!!!!!! Can someone please offer some advice? I am so depressed, I am anxious all day (even with the Librium) and I don't know what is happening. Is it that my brain is just not in a rational mode? Is the Xanax rearing it's ugly head? Is it rebound syndroms? Any advice, comments, words of support would be helpful. I am at the edge of my rope and it's getting short- I am not sure how long I can go on like this- the unfortunate reality I don't want to admit is that the depression is winning- Thanks, Hellfish This post has been edited by Hellfish on March 21, 2016, 7:27 PM -------------------- Hellfish ''The more I read, the more I acquire, the more I certain I know nothing'' Voltaire 'madness is to think of too many things in secession too fast or of one thing too exclusively' Voltaire | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: March 21, 2016, 9:29 PM
Your story parallels mine only mine was in the 1970's and 1980's.
It came to a head in 1989 when I was 45 yrs old. I entered a 90 day rehab in July 1989. I told the old priest who ran the home 3 things that I had never said to anyone : 1) I don't know who I am. 2) I don't know how to love. 3) I'm crazy I had been an alcoholic for nearly 30 yrs and Valium user for 15 yrs. The old priest said: "Come in and get a room" I had been in psych wards and group therapies for years for anxiety and symptoms of manic-depression. Anyway .. I did the 90 days then straight into AA/NA where I committed to the program. Today I'm sober and drug free (no antidepressants or psych meds of any kind) When you go to AA/NA you will meet scores of people who were where you are. You will not be/feel alone and will have a direction to recovery. You sound like a garden variety alcoholic/addict to me. I advise you get with the program. All the best. Bob R This post has been edited by Papa Bear on March 21, 2016, 9:29 PM -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: March 22, 2016, 7:20 PM
Bob,
Thank you for your post. I had to think about what you said about the three things you never admitted to anyone and I feel the same way. I do not drink alcohol or do so called 'street drugs'. I am addicted to prescription medication -Started with Rivotril 14 years ago -Now most recently it has been Xanax and Librium My depression and anxiety has destroyed my marriage and made my wife resent me. I take 100% of the responsibility for my actions- she was only supportive throughout the entire time. My ups and downs along with my mood swings made her distant from me and resentful. Today I made the decision to officially stop seeing my therapist- I am going for one last time just to close up the relationship. My therapist has been very good to me so I want to make sure I close the dossier in a proper and professional manner. On the weekend, I told my wife I can not be the man she wants me to be. I have the intention of leaving the relationship. My biggest fear is that she realizes in 25 years from now what a drag my illness has been on her life. She deserves much better than me and what I can offer. I have the intention of finding a job in another city and moving away- my mind is made up like never before. I will find a new therapist and hopefully start again. I love my wife more than life itself- that's why I am leaving. She needs to enjoy and move on with her own life without my illness dragging her down. Thanks, Hellfish -------------------- Hellfish ''The more I read, the more I acquire, the more I certain I know nothing'' Voltaire 'madness is to think of too many things in secession too fast or of one thing too exclusively' Voltaire | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: March 22, 2016, 8:25 PM
I agree with little of what you decided but I can do nothing about it.
It's not time to run, it's not time to change jobs or cities or spouses...... It's time to admit defeat and call the local NA number - to drop to your knees and ask God for help and get up and get help at your local detox or crisis line. To begin to walk into the light and not further into the shadows/dark. Your ability to make good decisions is clouded by fear/guilt/remorse/shame. Please call your local help line and talk to them. You are not a bad person, you are an ill person... like me. Don't listen to your own horse $hit .. MAKE THE CALL !! I wish you the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: March 23, 2016, 10:11 AM
Hi Bob,
I saw my therapist and she pretty much gave me the same advice you provided below (some exceptions) My mind is cloudy from anxiety, my will Is beaten from depression and I feel I can not get my head above water. You mention God- I saw my local Catholic priest and had a talk with him some time ago. I can tell u I completely and utterly feel abandoned by God. My suffering is making others around me suffer; As advised by thy therapist, I put my 'plans' on hold and will begin detox with the help of my physician Not sure how much more I can take- my body is battered and my soul is crushed. -------------------- Hellfish ''The more I read, the more I acquire, the more I certain I know nothing'' Voltaire 'madness is to think of too many things in secession too fast or of one thing too exclusively' Voltaire | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: March 23, 2016, 11:58 AM
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, One belonging to me and one to my Lord. After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints. This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. "Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me." He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you Never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you." We have to learn to separate between our "feelings" with TRUTH. That takes a while because to tend to believe our own bull$***. I have sat at MANY meetings with alcoholic priests/ministers/doctors etc... They were there for the 12 Steps as I was - to save their life. AA/NA recovery is very well summed up in AA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf I was at the meeting this morning, not because I think of drinking/using (that was relieved in 1989) but because I still have "growing" to do. It is indeed "progress, not perfection" - one day at a time. Good luck. Bob -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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