Posted: July 17, 2017, 6:41 AM
Well hell, background first. Female mid 30s opiate addict 22 years, yes I was 14, an elite competing dancer, we danced injured and got fed morphine. Heroine addict for 18 years, sober with babies 6 of those 18 years. Never not me, never not competitive or working at something. No one knew until I didn't give a f*** of o ever woke up and didn't care who saw what. O have never overdoses o have never sold myself, o have an MBA on finance, 3 extremely polite and successful kids, and every night, the only way mom can sleep, the only way I can survive the next a** kicking my ex gave me was my secret. 13 years, dude almost kills me, words I should divorce him.... I press and keep charges, he doesn't get more than 3 days in jail, fast forward, divorced 2 1/2 years, divorced ex remarried, I hate everyone but my kids, lol and then I meets best friend and husband and my ex loses it, he can't hit me so, because his income triples mine, he sued me for and won custody of my two youngest. Now o have zero charges, I am not documented anywhere, that dude never knew I was a heroine addict but, I couldn't be even minutely happy, he took my babies because I ran out of money to fight, that shot is the straight up truth, that piece of garbage who is 7 inches taller and over 100 lbs heavier than me, who almost killed me twice has my kids. It hurt, I had been rockin it, rad job, barely felt like work, cooking dinner every day. Not a ton of money but, I didn't get cut off notices. By myself, he knew what to do, he stole my babies, I gave up. I would let that punk close fist punch me and laugh in his face and get at least one hit before I was out. That shut hurts, but, I never let him see how scared I was, and the only people I have ever taken care of are my kids, my oldest was my sobriety until I was 5 months along and far enough out of the coma to be OK. I didn't care I failed them, he will crush my children's spirits to fit his vision, he has never hit any kid, he isn't a perv, just a drunk that smacked his wife around. I couldn't imagine how I could actually hate myself more than I always have until I watched him pack my three year old daughter onto an airplane at their third meeting. She didn't know who he was, she was screaming for me, and scene, I lost it I could not let him hurt her I went after him, and said please she doesn't know u, just let her get big enough to understand and I will deliver her to your house myself, and he did was smirk and say, told u I would kill u b****. I let him i have until 4 months ago, been asleep, I couldn't hear my daughter screaming for me and to me, self loathing me, I'm such a loser I couldn't protect her..it took a year before o could go in her room, but. Even now, hurting, crying and writing this, at least, she has a sober mom God dammit, that piece of garbage won't let me see or speak to my kids, my daughter who calls. Her step mom mom and me by my first name because that's what dad says, I just got a job after hustling for the last 3, I don't know the sick a the time, the cost, because I can hustle and I don't mean do people dirty, I mean, I have a degree in finance, and when I get a big boy, and can turn 1/2 oz into money, weaponry even for a mid supplier, I don't pay, but, I want to go to sleep and never wake up, well, I don't sleep much these day, I have horrifying anxiety but, I got out of bed, i go outside every day, I didn't say I can't f***ing do this anymore and beg to my empty house for help, I did that one night, my last shot, i did it, I am. Averaging a gram a day, and I don't fall out, I am not trying to sound rough, I have such bad anxiety, heroine barely touches it, but, even when I can't sleep now, I am positive, I will say nap minimum and I get to go outside, not deal. With drama bulls***, trip on who's gonna roll on me, I didn't walk being owed or owing, and I don't have a penny to my name, but, I don't have to say I can f***ing do this anymore. And even though it hurts when I think about babies, and I still have nightmares damn near nightly about my baby, at least I got out of bed and I can tell my kids, I am mom, I am here, and I love u always..... And when I go outside I think about being outside with them, and it hurts, but, I don't hate myself because of it, k don't hate anyone, I want my babies to safe, healthy, and happy, and for them to know that no matter how much dad said it, I wasn't using, and it hurt to think of you guys, but, I loved thinking about you so much, o could get high anymore. I have never, done groups, NA, AA, nothing, o have horrendous anxiety, coupled with complex PTSD from some of the s*** my ex put my body through so having to talk, even though we are all addicts yeah, I will never be able to handle that s***, so, sorry for crazy ramblings. Just nice to be in good company. I have done it before, I am sure I will use again, but today, I didn't and I went outside, I reset my phone, changes my number, I was never fool enough to let so boogie know my address, and there are maybe two people who can get me, they don't use, one only, wouldn't even try to get me unless I am last last choice I'm free for a minute, I am moving out of state, canceling social media and I think, I'm gonna get out of bed go outside and think about my kids and when it hurts remember they are the only 3 people who will ever know how much I lived them and cares for them because trust me, y heart beat for each of them.