Hurting And Want It To Stop
Posted: January 27, 2017, 10:06 AM

I found this on a google search and hoping theres someone out there who can understand....

I went to prison as a single mom and pregnant, for a crime that I do not have an memory of committing. I went through the Substance Abuse program there and came home almost 3 years ago.

I thought everything was wonderful! I had my two boys and we were moving out in our own place again just finally moving on!

I started seeing J a few months after we moved out. He was perfect! Sweet, cute, caring, good with my boys etc. I was in heaven thinking everything was great! Until I got one phone call that changed my life. He told me he was using again....I am the type of person that will help you until the ends of the earth. I will move mountains to make you whole again. I was NOT going to give up on him! Mind you, I am an addict.
We got him clean. He was actually clean after suffering for a bit, he was happy again. He was the J I remembered and fell in love with!

One evening, he just said I need to get some. Just a little, its no big deal, its ok really, we can do it every now and then, its not a problem! I told him I wont support needle use and will help him if he wants me to....he said no, it was fine.

I had oral surgery at this time...was in a lot of pain. My pain pills went really fast and they were gone so I was fine...or so I thought.

He called me into the bathroom. I saw that special stuff just sitting there and I didnt have a clue what it was....until it hit me. That is H. I was terrified! He told me...This will help your tooth sweetie! Really I promise, this will make all the pain go away I swear! sniffed and my world changed.

I was hooked obviously. Beg, Borrow, Steal, Sell, Pawn you name it, we did it. We had to have it! We would fight because he got more or I needed more. His tolerance was higher because he was an IV user where I didnt need that much to get where I wanted to be. Please keep in mind that I was addicted to pills previously and have never experienced this type of drug or withdrawal in my life....

It got to a point that my family was noticing changes in me. My employer was asking what was wrong with me and even my friends shyed away. I was gone. I needed to stop this and get him out asap. But I love him....I am in love with him. THis is very very hard. We both bought some out of our checks and he split it up before he left so I would have some. I can make it last FOREVER so I knew he would come begging me for some....but he gets paid weekly so he will pay me back right? WRONG. He took it and now says hes going to the Methadone clinic...and I simply cant believe that.

I am still withdrawing and in pain. I blame him for everything and then feel guilty for doing so because he needs help. I am so in love with him and he cant even tell me he loves me without it "slipping". what is wrong with me??? I am a wonderful woman and a great Mom of my two amazing boys. What is wrong with me?? All I want is just one little piece and I can move little bump and ill be fine because I wont need more....Right? This is what my mind is saying so this is what im fighting every single day all while he is at his moms livin it up blaming my parents for him leaving. Hes getting high and not sharing so I am mad and thats what hurts the most because I shouldnt feel that way! I dont need it! Yes my body hurts and would feel better with it, but I dont need it to survive! I have to move on or I will lose everything including my children.

Someone please...anyone....please I am begging. I dont know how much longer I can hold on.
Posted: January 27, 2017, 5:37 PM

Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008

Breathe...get through the rattle first ...leave him be for now...two addicts in active addiction is hell...if your done for real and wanting clean got to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone fcking thing at a time...your gonna need some help after your done with the rattle. .and probably through it too...any na or aa or IOP or friends or family? I faced prison kids though...think we all have seen the dark side of the dope God...hang in there. ..get through the rattle...3 days and your gonna be coming out the other can do it...walk the showers...bath...ear buds with music to distract. ..whatever you got for pain and sleep...we've all been there...your gonna be ok...

This post has been edited by constantine on January 27, 2017, 5:41 PM
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