What Is Wrong With Me?
Posted: December 13, 2016, 2:10 AM

Posts: 0
Joined: December 13, 2016

I smoke crack on average of twice a month, each time spending $200.. So on Average $400 a month..
when I finally go to sleep, usually the next morning (start smoking around midnight) anyway, the second I wake up, i am FULL of regret and I really want to jump off a bridge..
I think and say to my self all day the day after, that's it! I'm done!!..

i am poor, and pretty much loosing everything, including my health..

I can NOT understand how I go from HATING it! and SURE I am done, to a week, or two later, ready to do it again, and I do..

this has been going on for several years now and I am steady going down down down in pretty much every aspect...

always more to the story, but honestly, I am a bit nervous posting right now, NOT due to being on anything at the moment, but just over all..
Posted: December 13, 2016, 7:06 PM

Posts: 288
Joined: October 12, 2006

I feel the exact same way.....EVERYTIME. Whats wrong with you....me? As far as I know we are addicts plain and simple.



I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power,love and a sound mind.
Posted: January 4, 2017, 9:28 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: January 4, 2017

Radical change may be required. I struggled a long time with this issue, and needless to say it almost took everything from me including my life. I had to be willing to go to the ends of the earth if necessary and take full responsibility for solving my problem. I went to treatment and although I had done this over the years many, many, many times, I was so desperate to change this last time, that I didn't need anyone but me and a plane ticket to Orlando FL where I went for treatment.

Stayed about 45 days then went to a sober living. I did not do the 12 step thing this time but rather found and understanding of My Higher Power that works for me. I also participate in SMART Recovery. http://www.smartrecovery.org/

The most important thing to remember is never ever give up! Change is possible.

I wish you well.

Posted: January 29, 2018, 5:04 AM

Posts: 49
Joined: February 7, 2013

I am writing to render my support and encouragement and to let everyone know they not alone, and this is the cycle. Many of us choose to post when we fresh in the relapse. Getting all that guilt out. And it feels good. However this time I not only had a bit of "clean" time before relapses, I waited a few weeks before coming back. I see what the other long time Recovery vets saw when i posted.

I'm not one for NA or AA meetings. They were triggers for me for some reason. But action is required. And its an ongoing battle that will end when we are done on this earth.

All this happened for the sole purpose to help others fight this thing with all we got.
been there
Posted: January 29, 2018, 3:38 PM

You are on a dangerous path, the first time I smoked crack was june 1994. it started slowly once every couple months. it slowly escalated into an everyday habit. I always hated myself the next day when I started. There is something missing in your life. With me it was a real relationship. I never met a woman I could trust (family excluded). This led to a fear of women, an inability to talk to anyone I was attracted to and impotence when I was rarely in a sexual situation. I was 32 years old and had not had sex in 8 years when I had a doctor refer me to a psychiatrist. He told me I was not a danger to myself or anyone else and told me he did not believe me that I was smoking crack and not having a sex life because the 2 went together and I could not go back to see him again. After that I started seeing prostitutes every chance I could who ripped me off every chance they could... that is enough about me, this should be about you. My advice is to seek counselling to find out what is missing in your life and take steps to remedy it. Do not give up if your councillor does not understand, Find a different councillor. My biggest regret is the years and time I lost from my life. Do not wait, do it now.
Posted: February 5, 2018, 11:53 PM

Posts: 49
Joined: February 7, 2013

Thanks for posting been there,

I'm in aggrement with you. I see my counselor friday and I'm keeping him. I stopped going years ago, but due to my recent relapse, he was the first person I booked an appointment with.

I toook a long time to find the right counselor, and not everyone has the resources to find the right one. I wish it wasn't that way.

I have issues w/ females that I have to address and I have experienced the same with prostitutes. So I know i'm not alone. Felt I was all these years until recently. So thanks for posting.

All this happened for the sole purpose to help others fight this thing with all we got.
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