Recoveredcrackhead@yahoo.com
Posted: December 28, 2009, 3:57 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



Sounds hopeful doesn't it, so does the fact that I am back in treatment, intensive outpatient. That means I shall go 5 hours a day/ 5 days a week.
I would like to attempt a journal of this process and thought I could use a recovery forum for memory and feedback. Although a brief recovery history is provided in the next post (yes it's from this forums blog/journal thread, But I wanted to make sure the fly-by's could find me, hence I'm posting here) this is going to be my 4th whack at treatment, counting my 3 week stint last spring.
This TC is a 6 mos. plan with 3 months of once a week aftercare.
Back to my title/e-mail. While investigating TC's I was put off by the fact that no-one wanted to discuss the success rate of their facility. Which we all know is fairly low no matter what facility or method we are speaking of. The most common number given,(by resources such as NIDA & SAMSHA) is an 80% FAILURE (recidivism). The TC's have a problem admitting this, which is far from the open and honest behavior the expect from patients. Anyway they will site such reasons as finances and difficulty in tracking for why they don't have the numbers. hence I came up with my e-mail address...recoveredcrackhead @yahoo.com. Pretty catchy, easy to remember, especially by those who want to become one. Now here's the kicker. I belong to many of these forums. The first was a militant born-again christian site, who seemed to only care about my money. And although they swore their method was 100% fool proof, it become obvious over time, there was only two successful applicants. I watched hundreds of sick and suffering addicts come and go. My heart yearned to reach out and at least share a sympathetic ear. But many sites do not have facilities for PM's or e-mails. And after witnessing addicts post once, with despairation and grief in their messages, then disappear, never to be heard from again. I felt something needed to be done. So hopefully my e-mail will one day become a lifeline or at least a trail of bread crumbs and I can point the willing in the right direction. Until then.........
Off we go, another round with the drug and alcohol counselors.
Thurs Dec 31 I meet my primary and discuss which groups may work best, they think their smart, they offer a limited number of groups and you get to choose which ones you would be "interested" in. But upon completion every 10 weeks you pick more from the list, until you run out of choices and in the end participate in all the groups, some choice.
Until then, HAPPY NEW YEAR
Larrylive

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: December 28, 2009, 4:03 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



Originally posted in recovery dairies Dec 17.....

Recoveredcrackhead at Yahoo dot com

Yes it is a misnomer, but I can dream can't I. Besides it is very difficult to keep track of recovering crackheads, or so the rehabs tell me.

Enough about you, this is my blog and I shall attempt, once again to get off crack. Please bare with me, this may take awhile. I have been at it for ten years already and have actually managed to make things worse.
I used to be fairly well employed and would only use on paydays. Well of course I went broke, lost the usual, Family, friends, jobs, etc. Did a couple 28day rehabs in 2000 and 02 along with the obligatory halfway house and outpatient. Some how though I managed to keep the career moving, right up to 2006. I then took a couple of steps backward and whoa don't do that. Once I hit that slippery slope...Some how I managed to find an apartment where I lived for a year, unemployed. How, why, I don't know but have a bunch of unconfirmed ideas. Anyway like I said I was unemployed for a year (coming up on two now)
and I have never smoked so much crack. I kinda befriended a bunch of crackwhores( hey don't call them that) Then old acquaintance moved in across the hall and he thought it would be a good idea to sell. So people could cop from him and come sit in my place and smoke for a hit or two. Yeah, that took off like a rocket and went 24/7 for the afore mentioned year. Slowly things got bumpy and one day I woke up in jail( 4 months for being an accomplice) My first time, at 46 years old. And now I am an unemployed convicted felon crackhead. Other than that things are looking good, wink wink. I am homeless and my insane landlord has lost or stole half of my belongings, primarily the useful s***, plates, bowls and cleaning supplies. And a bunch of expensive audio gear, camping supplies and about 1000 record albums (oh, did I mention I am not the usual crackhead, any more. I sold a lot of stuff but kept a lot more and stopped doing that a few years back) He was kind enough to leave me my books, many many books and most of my t-shirts, many many t-shirts(long story) And now it's winter and no matter how many t-shirts you put on, well you get my drift.
This life sucks and I am running out of time on the library computer, so for now......
Good luck and Godspeed to all
Regards,
Larrylive

This post has been edited by larrylive on December 28, 2009, 4:04 PM

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 4, 2010, 3:33 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



So if you're new (or just lurking) welcome and I hope you're doing better than I am. Or if you're member Hope all is well with you and yours. I shall be going/doing rehab soon, far to much crack in my life. I am hoping to do intensive outpatient, but found out that my intake info will be sent to the administrative review board (I'll bet that word is admissions, uh?) and chances are I shall be recommended inpatient. Now that's all well and good, but I have all my personal belongings in a storage space and must pay the rent so as not to lose them. That should read so as not to lose any more, as my (ex)landlord has relieved me of more than $12K of possessions already. Basically all I have left are my sentimental things, and having a mild case of compulsive hoarding it's qiute a bit. And no I am not in denial about it, it's all nice and nicely displayed. Primarily books, music, and prints (aka posters). I also have a few scrap books, mostly family pictures and concert memoribilia. And my poetry, I really need to get it transfer to digital, but I played with caligraphy as a kid, and my hand writing is fair so....plus manuscripts seem to hold more feeling, you can almost feel the speed of the writing. Or at least I can because I wrote it.
If you are new...I tend to digress alot, A.D.D.
So back to the New Year and no smoking Crack stuff. We can do together what we could not do alone. But we need to be Patient and Persistent (and other "p" I can't remember, oh yeah) and Practice. So....avoid smoking as best you can, and try to remember the successful ways. Like not having money and hiding out in the country, unless of coarse you're from the country and I wouldn't suggest coming into the city. But I am sure you get it. Then stop back...Sign up or in....and tell me(us) what's working and why. Sounds easy enough right.
Oh and if you can't remember here (the forum) and /or how to get back, I can be found occasionally on myspace (duh, larrylive) and always(almost everyday) through email, recovercrackhead at yahoo dot com.
Times running out at the Library so I gotsta go.
Regards,
Larrylive

This post has been edited by larrylive on January 5, 2010, 4:29 PM

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 14, 2010, 5:23 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



I could not take the suspence, a waiting notification of acceptance to the local TC. So I went down today and asked about my recomendation......
I start Tues Jan 19 @1:30p
I've marked it on my calander, I hope you'll do the same :)

Larrylive


--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 15, 2010, 1:14 AM


Posts: 134
Joined: October 23, 2009



Like any journey, you only get out of it what you put into it (and a lot of the work will have to be done on your own). So its phenomenal that you are starting now with all this writing. Journaling, or blogging, or whatever it is called, worked great for me.
  Top
Posted: January 15, 2010, 2:03 AM


Posts: 66
Joined: January 5, 2010



Hi guys
You've been quiet this week. My encouragement for you today is to "celebrate life".
  Top
Posted: January 17, 2010, 12:39 AM


Posts: 134
Joined: October 23, 2009



Larry: You'll drive them nuts and they'll drive you crazy. Don't get toooo oppositional. Have fun, work hard.
  Top
Posted: January 20, 2010, 1:52 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



Fancy that, Mr.Rick is so insightful.
I started yesterday-Men's Issues,,,, right. And yes I did manage to "steer" the conversation in a positive (self confirming) direction. Seems that it is us crackheads that can relate to our addiction being a compulsion more than the dependancy of alcoholics or pill-poppers. Intregueing...more will be revealed if I am patient.

Larrylive

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 22, 2010, 1:23 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



Oh I don't know.........
It is friday, my first week in treatment is over and...nothing.
Just kidding, but- ironically, last spring I participated in the "day treatment" aka;outpatient-max, during the first the weeks I had three positive urines and so they recommended(demanded) I go to inpatient. I was a bit confused as I had started treatment because I had a drug problem, yet they seemed upset by the fact that I was still using. So I qiut and went back to crackworld. Then last Sept. when I got out of jail I went to sign back up and they said "positive screen goes to inpatient, negative, outpatient-max" So again I left. I had almost 5 months clean, but a couple 20's stashed in a sock before I got busted were still there upon release. (and my landlord through out my dishes and cups etc, but gave me back my pipes)
And now 3 mos later they put me in outpatient-lite. And the only change has been geographical- 3 blocks. But my roommate doesn't indulge so there can be no traffic, and I have not told anybody where I live. So now I have over a month clean, from crack. And since I have started treatment I will not smoke weed.
I also had a job interview Wed. and am anxiously awaiting notification. I really need money to pay for my storage area, so as not to lose anymore of my things. But this was my first interview post jail. So now I am a convicted felon, crackhead who has been unemployed for two years. And because they had THE question on the application they are aware of it all. Otherwise I would have been (self) assured of getting the job.....tick,tock
Until next time, may all your dreams be sober ones.
Larrylive

This post has been edited by larrylive on January 22, 2010, 1:24 PM

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 26, 2010, 4:25 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



It's Tues and that means men's issues.......
The topic by random selection was "honesty" and is it a good way to live.
Of course everybody says yes, I mean I wish I had said "no lying is so much fun and safer." But I was second, and contrary to what seems to be a popular opinion, I do live by higher moral standard than what is expected from most crackheads. Don't get me wrong, I have gotten caught up in the moment and done somethings I regret and would not do straight, but I don't make a habit of it. I also have never lied about using-never,ever. Not to my ex-wife, my kids or my mom. Believe me it doesn't make things go any smoother, and actually must just speed up the process of alienation.
Back to group...the thing I was most put off by, as some had stated they suffered consequences for being truthful, was that most don't realize it's their actions that get them in trouble, not the answers to questions.
So I believe a real man(sorry ladies) stands behind his decisions and actions, taking responsability and accepting the consequences. Don't get me wrong, I would not turn myself in, but I have always said "don't ask questions, you don't want to know the answers to".

larrylive


--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 27, 2010, 3:42 AM


Posts: 66
Joined: January 5, 2010



I hate the lies. I have learned not to ask my husband anything (not even drug related questions) because he will probably lie. What gets to me is the information he volunteers. I was under the impression that if there is no pressure, no questions, then surely, it would be the truth. But no. Even that is a lie. Personally, I find it easier to deal with the drugs and the mood swings and whatever goes with it, than the constant lies. Even when he is not high or making plans to get high, he lies. Just thought I'd share that :).
  Top
Posted: January 27, 2010, 11:21 AM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



Thank you Erika,

But may I ask why do you put up with it, seems a strange basis for a relationship, particularly a marriage, but perhaps I am old fashion. I think trust is the most important part of any relationship, be it with a spouse, the kids or friends. But I guess that trust must be followed by dependability and therefore self-discipline. And being a crackhead I admit to proving weak in those areas.
But that's just me.
be well
Larrylive

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 28, 2010, 9:45 AM


Posts: 66
Joined: January 5, 2010



Why do I put up with it? Because I'm compelled to do so. My faith in God and the bible commands me so. Yes, I dont like instances of living with an active addict, but nothing is new under the sun. The only "excuse" for divorce is unfaithfulness / adultery.

I believe that the bible gives instruction on living life (Basic Instruction Before Leaving Eath - that's a freebie). It is better to suffer and obey than not suffer and disobey.

I must just learn to change my confession. Once my words and my vision line up with the Truth (as opposed to the Fact) then my husband will change, because if you have faith like a mustard seed . . . this mountain will move. :)
  Top
Posted: January 28, 2010, 12:37 PM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



Fancy that, I wish you were my wife, or I should say I wish my ex had your values. We were separated for 8 yrs, although we would spend weekends together as I had relocated to a different city. And when the notice arrived for the divorice I adamantly said no, being that I had swore before God and everyone...till death do us part. And I put that in writing, had it noterized and set it back. One month late I was divorced, never stepping foot in a court room, I don't understand how that worked. Point being that I refered to her as my wife for a couple years after that, still do sometimes.
Your man is lucky to have a woman with such deep convictions, but do please be careful, some lines should not be crossed. And running away does mean you lost the war, just trying a different strategy.

Do be well..and safe
Larrylive

This post has been edited by larrylive on January 28, 2010, 12:38 PM

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: January 29, 2010, 9:48 AM


Posts: 66
Joined: January 5, 2010



I found that whenever I make such faith statements I am being tested very hard on it. So, my words will be few. Cast your burdens on the Lord, for He cares for you.
  Top
Posted: February 1, 2010, 5:07 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



Erika, you asked about the lying....

QUOTE
After addiction he could'nt tell the truth if his life depended on it. He lies about things that don't even make any difference. Did you eat breakfast...no...his dirt cereal bowl is in the sink???? I think he just lies to keep in practice. Kinda like being tuned up for when he really needs to lie.


This was from a post by Sadeye on the Family board, talking about his son. I found an identical situation with my daughter...she lied about anything and everything...even small things of absolutely no consequence...it was so odd. The I read this and it seemed just perfect...they're just staying in practice...but man, it is annoying, isn't it?

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  Top
Posted: February 2, 2010, 12:30 AM


Posts: 10092
Joined: October 27, 2004



Are they staying in practice?
Well that just seems sick, now doesn't it.

My more twisted take...maybe just maybe they were trained that it really didn't matter if they lied or not, even with the obvious shining, no one was going to believe anyway.

And really shouldn't the questions be looked at, how many were asked with the answer already known...
How many out of some need to control...

The truth always shows, and how we miss it picking apart the lies.



--------------------
Well it sucks, now doesn't it? When you make your own bed and then have to lie in the filth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a glitch due to system overload. Please stand by to find out what future you will design.
  Top
Posted: February 2, 2010, 12:38 AM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



No real reason to lie about the mundane though is there? Not everything is about the others in their lives trying to control them or asking too many questions. Some of it is just plain lying to lie...nothing more complex than that...lying becomes as much a habit as anything else...and just as hard to break.

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  Top
Posted: February 2, 2010, 11:09 AM


Posts: 404
Joined: December 14, 2009



Strange little twist in the thread. Last week a couple of the groups dealt with honesty. Of course everybody was in favor of it, surprise, surprise. What I was taken aback by was the people who thought they suffered consequences for being honest. Yet they could not see that it was the action/behavior that justified the punishment, not owning up to it.
I for one learned at a young age that lying would get me no where, I also developed the belief that I must stand behind what I do. ( I don't know where that came from though) So during my addiction I would not lie about my using. I would not volunteer the information. But when confronted by my X or my Mom I would admit to goimg out and using. I must be completely honest here, I would lie if I was under the influence, but when I came down I would confess to using.
Just me I guess.

Regards,
Larrylive

--------------------
All gods send their drunks to AA
    Top
Posted: February 2, 2010, 5:14 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



Larry, I find your admission of using refreshing. I used to tell my daughter that if she were going to use (or drink, or steal, or whatever) to at least have the courage of her convictions and admit it...stand behind it, as you said...the lying was almost as bad as the using, maybe worse sometimes. If you are on a course then 'fess up to it...and if it's something you feel you must lie about, are afraid to tell others, that cause shame and embarrassment, then there is information in those feelings and you should listen to them.

Her last go-round she did come right out and say it and it actually was easier to hear from her lips than to find out because she burned my spoons or left her needles exposed in the trash, or just plain nodded out.

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  top of page  Top