What For
LOST
Posted: April 11, 2020, 2:08 AM







Just needed to tell someone that i have 9 years clean today from alcohol...before my slip 9 years ago i actually had 21 years clean but of course i hung around with another addict..and got into the poor mes and relapsed..but i struggled to get another 9 years clean under my belt and almost 8 years clean from a 25 year 2 pack a day cigarette habit

but here is the rub..i suffer from extreme depression..attempted suicide 3 times..lost my youngest 29 year old brother to suicide due to his alcohol addiction

i have 3 bottles and a cache of benzos that i have kept in the back of my closet since March of 2019..kinda my way out plan

i am disabled and in a wheelchair...in constant pain..i live over 400 miles from my family and right now i have neither friends nor family and this virus pandemic has alienated me from the world even further

all the tenants in my building smoke pot drink and do crack and seem so happy and interconnected...being straight sucks.
i vowed when i reached my 9th clean year i would end my life..or at least uncap one of those bottles i have had for over a year...but now it is 2 days past my 9th anniversary date and i am still sober as i write this...no i don't go to meetings..
this post is more about my desire to die rather than about fearing relapse
thanx for listening

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Gentlepeace
Posted: April 11, 2020, 9:18 PM







Sorry it has taken so long for someone to respond.

Congratulations on 9 years! What a gift you are giving yourself.

I understand that this quarantine is affecting so many people. It is hard to be alone.

How are you doing today?


Gentlepeace
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LOST
Posted: April 12, 2020, 1:35 AM







Gentle Peace
thank you for responding...yes i am still clean..but the depression is what will do me in..
my family members that live over 400 miles away..will call particularly my only sister..just to see if i am still alive or if i don't pick up she will threaten calling the police..but it is just to allay their guilty consciences in case i decide to check again for the 4th time..but they don't offer
any solid help..why am i still dry?..i guess it is like that old expression about the cowboy wanting to die with his boots on..
i dunno thanx for listening
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Posted: April 12, 2020, 5:06 PM


Posts: 6347
Joined: January 5, 2008



Hello Lost. Hope today is a better one for you. ...

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Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need
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Gentlepeace
Posted: April 15, 2020, 9:51 PM







Hey Lost,

I am sorry I haven't responded.

I really understand how the depression can pull you down to depths that many don't understand - it is a scary place to visit by oneself. Life can be so challenging - especially now with people being asked to stay at home. Humans are social creatures, so this is hard during this pandemic. A lot of us are trying to be creative with our time but it is not always easy. I find that thoughts come into my mind that I have been able to stuff with everyday activities to distract myself. Now, it is much more difficult.

Your clean time is a gift as you know and something to be very proud of. Just posting your thoughts and feelings of sadness is powerful. There are not always answers but being able to verbalize what you are feeling is enough.

I hope you will continue and I will try to check the boards more frequently.

Gentlepeace

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lost
Posted: April 18, 2020, 1:58 AM







Gentlepeace
i have attempted suicide three times..the last time i almost made it but i was so out of it and i went on a Suicide Prevention Site on line but i never identified myself nor did i tell them where i lived..well not longer after the police and paramedics were kicking in my door and after that was a blank until i woke up in hand restraints and a charcoal filled tube still stuck in my throat..apparently i left a suicide note which i don't remember writing but the police kept it which i don't think is fair

If i resided in Amsterdam i think..suicide is available not just to the terminally ill but wretched individuals whose mental states are pure torment and in a sense terminal as well..as long as three psychiatrists sign off on it...i think that a person as a right to decide what to do with their lives..nowadays there are so many transgender people that can get operations and serve in the military..same sex marriages..so why can't one decide to take their own life.

i think this Addiction Recovery Guide Site should also have a message board for those who feel suicidal as well as friends and families that lost loved ones to suicide

i am still sober but i don't see it as some noble feat...where i live i am surrounded by pot heads and crack addicts..the hallway is filled with that horrible skunk weed..
i really resent my family..they know that i am crippled and in emotional pain and live all by myself..spouse less friend less..i guess we are all kinda f***ed up due to the fact that we lost our mother and father when we were young and my youngest 29 year old brother jumped to his death..and so it is all for me and all for none
sorry i am rambling...i just want someone's permission to say"Hey its okay to go" and find
that gentle peace you deserve

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Gentlepeace
Posted: April 18, 2020, 11:51 PM







Hey Lost,

Glad to see your post.

Life has been hard for you. What is making you feel suicidal? What torments you?

Gentlepeace
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Posted: August 8, 2020, 11:30 AM


Posts: 1
Joined: August 8, 2020



okay thank you
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Posted: August 8, 2020, 7:19 PM


Posts: 6347
Joined: January 5, 2008



Hi Emma how are you doing? I hope things are better for you and that you are feeling more well.

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Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need
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