Self-pity And Maudlin Guilt
Posted: January 14, 2013, 10:46 AM

Posts: 4173
Joined: July 18, 2006

A friend and I were talking this weekend about self-pity, and the ruinous effect it can have on a healthy program of recovery. There’s a woman in the meeting that I go to on weekends who’s a chronic relapser and, as I listened to her whining and complaining about her predicament of HAVING to take pain medication and HAVING to relapse and HAVING to disappoint people, including her sponsor, it dawned on me that self-centered self-pity, like all well-disguised traps, is designed to keep us from trusting God. It’s telling God that He’s obviously made a mistake as I am supposed to be someone else—a perverse reverse pride of over-analysis and selfishness.

We went to lunch together and happened upon yet another female member who was preparing to have a few drinks before meeting with her sponsor because she, “Was afraid of what her sponsor would say.” Sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, that one. I won’t go into the details, but it certainly was not an accident that God put us in that particular restaurant. All-in-all a wonderful weekend of lessons of self-pity and Trusting in Him to manage my worries. Yes, I AM weak; Yes, I AM frightened; Yes, I AM insecure. It is only through Him that I find strength today—and I’m selfish enough to want more of that. Rather than wallowing in self-pity, I can recognize the frailties for what they are and give them to Him, thereby increasing my dependence upon My Creator (and taking the responsibility from my mind).

“ When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.” Alcoholics Anonymous, pp 417, 4th Ed.


Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.
Posted: January 14, 2013, 2:10 PM

Posts: 133
Joined: August 10, 2012

SKG, leaving god out of this, I think we have "choice". I pray every night, and hope to be "saved" but I really think it is my choice: good or bad. If there is a G_d then I believe IT will help the best choice ... still my choice...
Posted: January 14, 2013, 2:41 PM

Posts: 577
Joined: February 25, 2009

Good old page 417! My favorite!
Posted: January 14, 2013, 3:12 PM

Posts: 4173
Joined: July 18, 2006

leaving god out of this, I think we have "choice
How's that been working for you?
Once more:  The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.  Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense.  His defense must come from a Higher Power."  Alcoholics Anonymous, pp 43, 4th Ed
Nobody told me what my Higher Power needed to be, and there were no naming conventions or ettiquette meetings to decide which was best for me. They merely said, "Get one." I suggest the same. I have had to work very very hard at my relationship with the God of my understanding, and I fought anyone using God's name as though they were forcing Him down my throat. As it turns out, I was rejecting what I could not understand rather than listening to those around me who'd found their own conception, no matter what that was.

Contempt prior to investigation was MY problem, not everyone else's . I thank God for the willingness, openmindedness, and honesty that the steps enabled me to develop.

Keep trying anything, Giyanna, and I can make a few suggestions if you don't feel you've exhausted yourself yet. This really is the easier, softer way.



Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.
Posted: January 14, 2013, 7:48 PM

Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011

I had to come to the AA meetings in the beginning to hear what the good oldtimers were saying.

Then I had to come to the meetings until what they said made sense.

Thank you for shining that light of truth on some of our ever-so-easy-to-deny defects and shortcomings

All the best.

Bob R

Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line:

Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste

Copy & paste



--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.

---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

... I need AA more than it needs me.

--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.

...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.

---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.

--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !

---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.

---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.

... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.

---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .

"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
--Richard Rohr

WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)
Posted: January 14, 2013, 8:48 PM

Posts: 6374
Joined: January 5, 2008

MY choices almost killed me.

Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need
Posted: January 15, 2013, 1:33 PM

Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005

As it turns out, I was rejecting what I could not understand rather than listening to those around me who'd found their own conception

Fear dominated my life and I sure couldn't let anyone see that in me so I turned to alcohol & then pills to give me that false sense of courage & help me in my struggles of trying to understand. When I accepted the fact that I didn't know anything, that my ways kept getting me deeper & deeper into alcoholism, then came that moment of clarity, that I can't do "this" anymore and I finally surrendered to everything I "thought" I knew and I asked a gal on here for help and with that, my very closed mind cracked enough for her to carry the message and for ME to receive it. God either is or isn't, and what I've found by working the 12 steps is he is very patient, waiting for me to reach out to ask for the help & then accept his messengers that he puts into my path. It isn't a coincidence that we all stumbled upon this website and a lot of us embraced recovery.

To me, it's divine intervention and God doing for me what I could NEVER do for myself. One of my favorite definitions of God is Group Of Drunks. That God that sits in an AA meeting always amazes & astounds me.

My self-pity is Ego. Ego & pride is one of the biggest blocks to the sunlight of the Spirit. They will block my connection & then tell me all kinds of negative things and convince me that taking a drink will make it feel better. I pray for God to take my ego, and slowly, day by day, some of it leaves and sometimes I am humbled and let more of it go.

Thanks for the thread, SKG. I love your shares.

Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
Posted: May 27, 2021, 7:41 AM

Brilliant insight. And since God is everything or nothing, I love that He was mentioned. So many times self-sufficiency is tied even to my own share I forget God is in charge! God is everything.... the universal power source that allows me to take a breath and to walk through any given moment of any given day and be happy joyous and free.
Dnay F
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