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19 And Confused

Posts: 1
Joined: October 2, 2016

Posted: October 2, 2016, 2:43 AM
I have 9 months clean and sober. There is a part of me that still wants to go out and use again. The insanity of it is that I've hit some really dark bottoms but yet I still have this urge to go back to that lifestyle. Did I not suffer enough? I lived my 20's at 15. Never lived life like a normal teenager and definitely put myself through things girls my age wouldn't put themselves through. I am confused as f***. Idk If I want to recover or return to my old rebellious ways. I can't play the whole tape nor can I act like the mature adult everyone here expects me to act like. For f*** sake I am still a teenager. I am in a very structured sober living with women who are like 20+ years older than me. The pressure to meet the expectations of this sober living is suffocating the s*** out of me. Idk I decided to reach out here because talking to the women here has not been very useful and I am running out of options. By the way I do have a sponsor and I am on step 5, I can't call her 24/7 because she has a life. Just thought I'd reach out here as my last hope.

This post has been edited by Justjulie on October 2, 2016, 4:00 AM

Posts: 21299
Joined: October 17, 2003

Posted: October 2, 2016, 10:02 AM

This is not a very active forum. You may want to repost on the heroin board. Even though it may not be your drug of addiction, people there struggle with the same issues.

- the moderators

Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011

Posted: October 2, 2016, 10:45 AM

This video may explain why you are going through your highs and lows.
We all go through them - ask any of the oldtimers in your group.
I'm coming up on 28 yrs clean/sober and I still have my times-
We are not cured .. just getting better in fits and spurts as it were.

Anyway, here is the video

You are no better or worse than any of us addict/alcoholics !!

All the best.

Bob R

Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line:

Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste

Copy & paste



--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.

---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

... I need AA more than it needs me.

--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.

...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.

---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.

--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !

---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.

---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.

... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.

---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .

"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
--Richard Rohr

WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)
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