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Posted: February 12, 2016, 7:01 PM
Dear readers,
First time blogger, long time reader. I would read your stories for ideas on how to get my fiancé to quit the synthetic, it never worked. Then I would read to just feel like what I was going through, was something that happened to others too. But now, I don't know what changed. I feel helpless, completely useless, worthless. I'm tired of fighting to 'save' him, 'love' what ever else there is to apparently save. It hurts knowing that the one person you thought would be there for you is not, INFACT they are always so absent, that you are facing life alone. I'm pregnant, he promised he wouldn't let me do this alone, but I am, but he did, and now I wish I was dead. I hate what his addiction has done to me, it has robbed me of everything I held dear. It has taken me away from myself. My self worth is gone, because it at some point point became linked to my relationship. My self esteem has been shattered because every time we argue about him stopping, I become the ft piece of s***, worthless oxygen thief, f***ing c***. I hate what his addiction has done to him, turned him into a zombie who can't string words together,someone who gets angry at the drop of a hat, someone who will throw my belongings out into the street because I won't buy him his next hit. Someone who has become so cold I don't even recognise him anymore. Someone who literally stinks like the synthetic, the smell on his skin is disgusting, his blackened fingers from trying to scrape up dropped stuff, or scrape out the implement. Today I woke up in pain, it's been an age since I have had the privilege of sleeping in our bed, the room stinks, he stinks, and I don't want to be breathing that crap in while I'm pregnant, actually I never want to be breathing that crap in. I must sleep on the sofa, it hurts my hips, and my back, and to be honest there is nothing stopping me at this moment from grabbing the big knife I see and running it through my body. I am tired of fighting this fight for someone who walks by me and all he is focused on is his need for the synthetic that he will again go to his car and look for crumbs that may have fallen. I want all you users out there with partners to read this. I'm what I understand and pretty typical. The feelings I have are after too many rounds with this devilish substance. This is what using does to the people closest to you, the ones who want to help, who want you back, but your too f***ed to see that. Maybe if someone actually died you would see it. | ||
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