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Posted: December 8, 2015, 12:20 PM
Hi I'm writing this forum to tell my story and hope that anyone else with this problem will see that it is beatable!!
I guess I'll start from the beginning.. I've always struggled with addiction from a small child to now in my 30's from sucking my thumb to honestly happy to say only cigarettes hold me now. I've tried every drug and more than not for extended periods of time. But I must say synthetic Mary Jane or incense, herbal, fake weed, whatever u want to call it I have struggled with for what was all of 7 years. I've never come across a story as mine so I'd like to share. I'm now 1 year sober and I couldn't imagine my life now with that mess still controlling me. I live in a city were it is STILL legal to buy it right down the road and actually 4 more shops in a 10 mile radius I honestly can't say I crave it at all after overcoming the addiction and looking back at how "stuck" in the "tornado" as I called it was. I wasn't alone in the matter I was accompanied by my husband who I was before best friends with well before the addiction. We found the drug together and processed and fulfilled the "herbal addict" life for a very long time. It started as the alternative to weed because we both had jobs that drug tested. So we thought this was our answer, this was it! Just what we had been hoping for, we could still get high we could pass drug tests and it wasn't (not knowing what we do now) a drug. We were wrong, horribly wrong. It started about a blunt a day, weekends were a little extremed beyond that. But it was nothing we saw as bad. Heck we thought it was great! We weren't "crack" heads we weren't "pot" heads, we could pass the tests and no one ever suspected a thing. It was just me and him and our secret weed. This escalated to 3g bags a day, over the years and at the end we had 10gs a day sometimes more depending if we had things to do that day or if we were able to spend the whole day just smoked out. It's disgusting looking back now, but then we saw no harm. We weren't hurting anyone else we stayed at home we stayed together. We leaned on each other through the addiction we were so cut off from everyone. We didn't speak to either of our families for years. We did have friends but they were kept at arms length unless they had "legal" and we were ready to hang! It was an every single day every single night thing for years. I never thought we would wake up from our demented reality. Until I got pregnant we were so scared at how long we had been using we had no idea what to expect so without reaching out without telling anyone we dropped it cold turkey. We went through withdrawals just as past posts about this stuff described but for weeks. I mean can u imagine how much chemicals were in our systems? I could have swore that it had replaced our blood, our nerves. I felt this mess coming out of every ounce of me. It was misarey and so completely shameful we hid for months ashamed of what we did but the thought of I just need one more joint just one more bowl and we'll be fine. We'd smoke just a touch and flip out (while in the high) about never touching this nasty s*** again it was killing us and our lives and we were not strong enough to beat it much less start a family under it's control. Thanking the good lord above we had a perfectly healthy beautiful 8.5 lbs little girl we named Hope. We were so in love and actually got married that next weekend. But guess what the addicts never left us. With a shop literally half a mile from our home we couldn't exscape we were trapped in what felt like a revolving door saying one more bowl it's not gonna kill u, no one knows, and remember that feeling of "uh euphoria". NO NO No it's bs every bit of it's bs. I remember all those feelings while we were using still to this day and it's feeling of my body would feel like it was fading every thought I had just drifted away. I relate those feelings to death now. Being were I'm at now makes me realize just how "sick" we were. Our daughters first birthday came and went while mommy and daddy were needing to run to the back to get a "hit" in real quick to make it the next 30, 45 minutes if we were lucky. It was never going to end so we thought. We could get high every once and awhile and flip out about how stupid we were and the things we were missing out on but now it wasn't just us it was hope too and what was she missing out on. We would get high and just sit and watch her play with her toys and think how s***ty of people we were that she was starting to walk and we couldn't bring our "pot" to the park so the living room would be fine. She's to little we'd say she won't know what she's missing. I honestly don't exactly know what it took but after 7 years of this tornado spiraling with us inside it I woke up one morning and looked at my husband and daughter and thought is this going to be our life? Our daughter repressed from the world so mommy and daddy could get high and hide, from what?? We had no enemies we had no bad blood, everyone we met fell in love with us and our daughter. We were great people we were just sick and it needed to end. I couldn't look my husband in the eyes that morning he new something was different and I wasn't that same "f*** it pass me the pipe" girl he had known for so long. I was done after so long of sickness I finally found my end. I held my daughter in my arms looked at my husband and said "that's it, we're done and if u can't stop with me then me and my daughter were leaving". Which meant leaving 6 states back to go back to my parents. I saw my husbands heart blow, the phrase deer in headlights was an understatement. We cried for hours he swore he would never lose his family and here we were ready to walk out of the door. I couldn't believe how consumed our life had really become from something we had thought was so innocent honestly we just thought it was pot, looked like it, smoked like it. But we were so wrong. That day was, is, and forever will be the biggest day of our lives. Above marriage, the birth of our child, no getting sober was OUR big day. That day that I held our daughter and stood in front of who had been my best friend since we were children telling him I was leaving if we couldn't get better than this drug, it killed every once of anything I left after this drug. We spent the next 2 weeks on what felt like our death beds all the while Hope was just a ray of sunshine she couldn't talk but when we thought we were going to die she seemed to always have the best way to make us smile and remind us why we needed to do this. It was beyond time to grow up, real life doesn't need fake promises and we were finally ready to do it not even just for hope but ourselves and I think that's what I learned the most through this is I was never a bad person nor was my husband it never started as a crutch it was fun and relaxing and got us away from the everyday world only to ruin our world and make us feel like the weakest people in it. I can't say once the withdrawals were over we didn't crave it but the real want or need we thought we had for it was gone. We were going places we had never been, seeing things we never would have seen, we were living, and for what felt like the first time. We were a real family now. I never thought I could love the man I grew up with, married, and had a child with any more than what I had but the love for this man and the strength I've watched him have for us is so truly unconditional now. After this year I told myself I would do a "testimonial" as it's called and well here it is. In all our struggles of trying to stop I had never come across anyone so infused with this drug as we were, 7 years!! That's still so crazy for me to say but I new I had to tell our story because were one person is struggling there is someone else out there who is alone with this. I couldn't have imagined not having my husband with me through this battle. I no most deal with this alone, but please look at our story realize it can be beaten there is a life without addiction to this man made bulls*** they want to say is fake weed, it is NOTHING like weed that's a discrace to weed this s*** belongs with meth and herion. I'm going to end my story here but please if there's anyone out there with this problem please see there is hope! There is an end but u have to want it, u have to understand that what ur doing is not helping anything in ur life get better, if u want help reach out, if not professional or family, a friend or on here. Get it somewhere do not let this mess fool u for as long as it did us! God bless and u CAN do it! | ||
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Posted: December 8, 2015, 3:47 PM
As much as I struggle with addiction this by far was my worst and all the stories I hoped to find help I couldn't find anyone who struggled as long as we did. I would like to add too I would love to see people post with this even just for some encouragement. Its still a battle for us but no matter what choice of poison u choose anything that keeps u from sobriety is beatable! That there is a light at the end and the sunshines so bright over here! I was in a hole for years and if anyone needs to talk I'm more than happy to be that support for anyone who doesn't have it and I so hope me letting out my story has helped someone.
This post has been edited by BeatingTHEbeast2 on December 8, 2015, 8:49 PM | ||
Posts: 26
Joined: November 28, 2015
Posted: December 12, 2015, 10:23 AM
Hey Beast
Great to read your posts. In the process of quitting myself, currently doing great but have relapsed in the past so a bit wary of what the future holds. Right now though I'm feeling good and really want to urge others and show them it is possible to quit. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: December 12, 2015, 11:17 AM
I have been clean/dry in recovery over 25 yrs and there is a sentence in AA's Big Book that has proven it's truth to me countless times. -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: December 12, 2015, 1:52 PM
Y'all are both so right and mine and my husbands fight from synthetic was and still is a struggle. We had tried quitting so many times I lost count and only to start back saying maybe just at night just so we can sleep that'd go about a week then right back to all day. It's such a scary thing being a "dependent" of something we new nothing about. We probably had every kind from k2 to the silly monkeys to King Kong and sooo many regardless we fought our Demond's alone. Neither of us have insurance nor the money for professional help and no were offered to just talk to us. I think after 7 years on the stuff and countless times of quitting the day I woke up and decided for my family that we were done proves how strong I am and I hold to that strength every morning I wake. I'm so saddened to see these guys just picking it up, I wish the stuff would disappear it's to easy to get and to easy to sink it's claws into u. There's to many of us that know this tornado to well to sit back and watch anyone go through what we have. I thank y'all so much for y'all's words and I myself will continue to help others the best I can. I find peace in this and relapsing is not an option anymore we must stay strong and bond together in knowing we are not alone. :)
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