Posted: December 15, 2015, 12:26 AM
I had an ex who broke my heart. It wasn't when he broke up with me, but it was after that when I realized that he had left me for another girl. I probably would've moved on just fine, but during the relationship, he put little to no effort for me. He'd put most if not all of his effort for other girls, though. This was before, during, and even after the relationship. Why didn't I leave? I was heavily inexperienced socially and with relationships in general. This was also a different kind of bad. Like, if he were physically or verbally abusive or he had cheated on me, then I would've immediately known to leave. This has never happened to me before, and I've never really heard of it happening this way before. He was giving me pseudo effort: saying nice things, certain physical pleasures like holding me and kissing me (not sex, though, because I am abstinent), telling me that he would take me places (he never once took me on a date, but took his ex out somewhere while we were still dating), and saying that he wanted to marry me. All this without actually putting any real effort, like actually taking me places and talking to me about stuff. Despite all of that, surprisingly, he wasn't being manipulative on purpose. Sounds hard to believe, I know, but he just didn't know better. After a year or two, he actually realized how terrible of a boyfriend he was.
After he pretty much broke me, I was enduring the pain he has deeply caused me for six months. I didn't even think about sending him mean messages. I just wanted to ignore him, forget about him, and move on with my life. Sadly, though, I almost suffered from a heart attack twice because of how depressed I was. Yeah, you can die of heartbreak. I found that out the hard way. After the second time, I developed a new mindset: "Why the heck am I almost dying for this guy? Why is it that he hurt me terribly and he's getting rewarded for it by dating another girl?" It was then that I decided that I make it clear to him to how he made me feel. All the wrong things he's done in the relationship, and the suffering that he has put me through. I kept sending him a ton of mean messages after that. It did make me feel better, and I didn't almost suffer from a heart attack after that, but then I kept going. It's been over two years since. I'm not suffering as much as before, but the anger does come back and I do get tempted to say more mean things to him and constantly keep reminding him of what he's turned me into. I've even gone so far as to send mean messages to four different girls (his previous lovers). Two of them have upset me before, but the other two didn't do anything to me specifically: my ex was just talking about them a lot when I made it clear to him to stop talking about girls in general because it reminded me of our previous, painful relationship. I've just sent a mean message tonight to one of those girls (one of the ones who didn't do anything to me), and I want it to end. No more mean messages. No more anger. I want to finally be happy and be rid of all of these terrible things. How can I not be tempted to send those messages again. How can I properly and officially end this anger? Out of sight, out of mind doesn't seem to work too well...