Cutting: Addicted To Scars
Posted: November 26, 2010, 11:42 PM

Posts: 18
Joined: May 28, 2009

Hello everyone,

It's been a long time since I've posted on here. In addition to my substance addictions I've realized that I'm addicted to cutting. I've been cutting on and off since I was about 10 years old. When I was younger it was a way to release all of the emotional pain I was feeling in an easier way. I was abused in every possible way as a child: physically, emotionally, sexually and I never reported any of the incidents. Cutting was a result of bottling up all of the pain that I was feeling, but as I got older my excuses for cutting got more and more menial. Now, all I have to do is have a rough day at work or an argument with a loved one and it's suddenly an excuse to cut.

I've replaced the heroin, the pills, the alcohol with a blade and if I continue down that road I'll run out of skin to scar. I was just wondering what helps any of you to avoid cutting and some of the things you replaced your substances/self-destructive behaviors with.

"When hope is lost, tomorrow is never seen."
Posted: January 12, 2012, 5:22 AM

I used to cut myself as well. What stopped me is someone that I really cared about made me promise that I wouldn't do it anymore. I grew up with this person, and it mattered to me a lot that what I was doing wasn't only hurting myself, but it was hurting them.

You need to realize that what you are doing does hurt others. Some people may tell you that you are just looking for attention, and I think that is true to some degree, but that isn't the core of the issue. The issue is that you just don't feel what you think you should be feeling. Perhaps you don't feel anything at all - completely empty at times. I know what that feeling is like.

Let me lastly share something with you. Some bad things have happened to you, and perhaps you have some really bad hatred towards the people that did that. Do you a right to be mad? Of course! However, you are worth more than a piece of flesh to be abused. This is the issue. Sins affect people - even if you weren't the one sinning. To some degree we all have sin, and also to some degree we have all been sinned against. The truth is that Jesus can take those sins that were against you, and He can take the hatred or anger that you might have towards them. Don't hang on to it, but give it to Him on the cross, because He wants to take it! He let himself be brutally abused for you, because He thinks you were worth it.

Others think you are worth it. Jesus was the one that first of all forgave me. With that said - do I experience as much emotion as others? No, but we aren't all the same. Sometimes I find myself smiling even though I don't feel happy. I find myself smiling, because I see those I care about happy. Find your lifeline, and if you don't have one then I promise you Jesus can be the best lifeline you can have, but you need more than Jesus. God wants us to have relationships, and not just marriage, but we need good friendships - we were built like that.

One of the main reasons you keep relapsing and experiencing the same rollercoaster over and over again is you are focused too much on yourself. You need to focus on others and see that other people have problems too. You may not feel "compassion," but really compassion only means to "act in order to help." In fact, I don't believe truly compassionate people have this enormous feeling that overwhelms them.

I challenge you to reach out beyond yourself. Share what you are doing with someone that really cares, and think about the whole God thing. I am not saying this to offend you or push some religion, but I am saying this because Jesus really did help me. He was the only one that died for my sins.

See I was on the other end. I had some abuse in my life, but I was always the one pushing the envelope and committing the crimes. By 12 I wanted to go to hell, because I believed I deserved it - even though I didn't believe in God. Even though I didn't believe in God I would cuss him out when no one was around. I was mad at Him, but I didn't believe in Him? I struggled with that for too long, and I regret not believing earlier. I have my doubts, and I don't agree with a lot of the history of certain so-called "Christian" churches, but the truth is that Jesus is real and the church I go to has people that really love me and look out for me.

There was a time that I thought no one in the world cared and I had a great failure in my life. My pastor supported me through the whole ordeal, and he doesn't look at me like a maniac - even though I have been at times. He looks at me as an imperfect person - a sinner, who needs someone supernatural to shape and mold my life.

I hope something that I said helps you, and if I made you mad - I am sorry, but your post really mad me sad. I remember the look my friend had in her eyes. I didn't want to hurt her anymore - and I stopped abusing myself. Get help. Don't let your past destroy you - it wasn't your fault. Give it to God and move on. You are worth living.
Posted: February 13, 2012, 4:50 PM

I have turned my life around from alcohol, drugs, chain smoking cigs and the worst addiction to self harm.

I am lucky to be alive due to the self harm and the police and paramedics know who I am believe me.

I now a year sober/clean and almost a year from self harm. My life is now rising above the problems to find the solutions.

It started with a change of perceptions. My self harm path made me think horrendous things were normal and I had become dettached from life and reality. I started to realise I need to see this self harm the way other people do.

I had been in rehab 10 years ago and I remembered the tools to recovery and I put all my effort into getting better and not this self destructive path that had nearly killed me and would probably end doing so. Also all the suffering I was putting myself through and really it did not have to be like that.

I have had a difficult path in the last year but I am now feeling I am winning!! I have far better interaction with people and starting to ACCEPT things. Making friends and people like me the way I am. Funny that?

I am physically very active and enjoy yoga and relaxation.

There is a yoga acupressure mat that is known as the bed of nails. This gives a slight pain when you lie on it but also induces a deep relaxation and I have found this to be helpful if I am stressed.

I am doing so well now that I don't really ever think of self harming, it does come back but never entertained or seriously considered.

Ultimately being myself; having found myself.

I really think the journey I have been on has made me the person I am today but at what cost?? I have very nearly died and my body is horrendously scared, yes I have run out of skin on the arms and then onto the legs belly chest lower legs. I think you get the picture.

Ultimately all of ones energy needs to go into nurture, repair, function, look after yourself, stand up and fight for the place you want to end up.

Also it takes time to build the life you want. to date and fall in love with the right one. It takes more than one attempt and all of this new life and circle of friends can take a few years to fully develop and form.

Self harm is so effective and so addictive. But find the healthy solution and not focus on the problem and not have yet another bloody scar and your arm!!

Take care

I had hope that one day it would change and I want you to believe that too!

Ben x

Posted: April 28, 2016, 10:02 AM

I am 16 years old.... I self harmed when I was 8 years old.. Running into things on purpose... Biting myself, scratching myself, pulling my hair, punching myself.. I kept saying I wanted to start my life over when I was 9 years old... I attempted suicide when I was 11, 12, and 14. 11 and 12 I was not doing it cause I wanted to die I don't know why I did it... 14 I did it cause I wanted to die... I started cutting at 13... I drank alcohol when I was 12... I haven't drank since because it felt addicting and my anger was bad when it happened. I started biting myself at 15 and scratching myself and purging... I took a lot of pills to try and die... I didn't want to die I wanted the thoughts to stop.... I've been dealing with depression since I was 12... I'll be 17 this year.. I have had horrible anger issues all my life and I don't know why.. I used to eat so much as a kid and not gain a pound... I overate and starved when I was 12 because my uncle passed that year and few months after he did my grandma did... I was sexually harassed and more that I will not disclose.. It's been one heck of a life. You think that stuff at 8 years old was crazy.. You don't know the half of it... I've a high functioning teen with Aspergers, sensory integration, turrets, anxiety, anger issues, compulsive and impulsive issues, with history of depression, and self harm and eating issues. I was born very small and I had a hole in my heart when I was born so I had open heart surgery at 6 weeks old.. I was born deaf, I had fine motor and reflex problems... etc.... I've come a long way... I went through 3 years of non stop tragedy that began when I was 12.... I even had to see my uncle in an open casket funeral.. And other stuff I again will not disclose... But I struggle with self harm and the addiction of it and now I don't think I'm even addicted to the pain anymore I'm addicted to the deep scars as a reminder I'm still battling with myself every single day....

Anyone have any advice?

I have blackout anger since I was little and I don't like hurting people... The almost always thought of jumping in front of a car I don't want to die anymore it just won't go away and I've tried so many medications... Doctors don't know why I'm in so much pain all the time physically... I have to go to therapy for it.. I was wondering if anyone had any advice.

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