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Posted: January 23, 2022, 7:52 PM
I am incredibly selfish. My love comes to me, tells me that he is an addict, and that he wants to get clean- I am destroyed and angry by the fact that he has lied to me. Years. So many lies over so many years.
I started seeing signs of his addiction early in the relationship. Just here and there, but also easily explained away situations. A text in a phone, an empty baggy, always without money, and his passing out while doing daily activities. I begged him for honesty. I knew something was up. He made me feel like I was crazy, stupid. He would act like I was crazy and stupid. I believed him. Well, I wanted to believe him. I would turn off my thoughts and tell myself that I was crazy. I was finding an issue, or I was causing our issues.
The people that would come around at that certain time of the month- pay day, They enjoyed causing problems. I had one tell me that my love compared me to his exes, and did not understand why he was with me because I fussed about stuff. He was with women way prettier than I. I constantly had them telling me he owed them money. He would tell me he didn't. They would laugh and tell me he was lying to me. In our entire relationship (friendship and romantic), I begged him to just not lie to me. Why do addicts have to lie. I am told that my being upset over the constant lies, comments from others, and arguments isn't helping anything with recovery. I am trying but I am angry. I am pissed. I am hurt. I want him to recover from this addiction for his health, for our son's future, for the possibility of our future. But I am pissed. I look at him and hate him. It's like a seesaw. I love him and I hate him. I am hurt by him. I want to believe everything that he says, but how after so long am I supposed to expect honesty from him? Would things have been better if he told me the truth up front?
How do I, what do i do?
Please help me and my selfishness.
This post has been edited by whoamianymore on January 23, 2022, 7:53 PM
Posted: January 23, 2022, 9:06 PM
You get counseling & help for yourself first. Addicts will always lie, ESPECIALLY when they are using. When they've been "caught" all of sudden they are willing to admit they are an addict & they need YOU to help them get help, pay for their help & if you don't or can't, they it is YOUR fault they can't get clean because you turned their back on him when they needed you.
Get out, get counseling for yourself. You are no use if you still trust & believe him because that will enable him to manipulate you. He has to get help for himself & it is a hard road. Detoxing, rehab, counseling is a HUGE commitment & there really isn't anything you can do to make it easier. If he doesn't have consequences for his actions, he will fall back into the same cycle because he just learned the magic word to get you to feel bad & feel compassion for him.
He will do anything & say anything to get you to fold. Really you can't even talk to him or believe him until he completes rehab & is actively in post rehab therapy. Tell him you love & you support his decision to get clean & sober but you have to step away until he completes his program & then you both can go to couples therapy.
Posted: January 23, 2022, 9:09 PM
Oh, and you are NOT being selfish AT ALL!! You have been lied to, cheated, stolen from & manipulated. That is NOT ok regardless of the excuse and they are ALL EXCUSES. Save yourself honey. If he is serious, he will save himself. It is really good that you are being honest & realize you deserve better than this life he wants you to endure for his pleasure.
Posted: January 23, 2022, 10:22 PM
i suggest being honest and true. when you know he is useing YOU KNOW. do not let him lie. truth can be tuff and hurt at times, however it is worth it EVERY TIME. n do not be afraid to pour your hart on the guy. don't hold back, that kinda thing builds hate. tell him how you truly feel and when he lies stand in truth n call him on his lie. let him know you aint buyin it. just my personal opinion though
Posted: January 24, 2022, 9:26 PM
I don't see how you are being selfish at all. Anyone would feel betrayed as you are if they find out their partner has deceived them for years. I understand why you are questioning yourself, him, and your relationship. It's been a facade.
I think you are fine and he's the one with the character flaws. It takes a certain kind of person to deceive their mate for years. If he wants to do drugs that's his choice but he doesn't have the right to mess with your life.
I think I would spend all my time taking care of myself and spend ZERO time on him. You'll need to ask yourself some hard questions about what you will and won't tolerate in your life. A lying deceiving partner is a WON'T tolerate. Value yourself and your life.
Posted: January 27, 2022, 9:09 AM
ya know ya put that rather well. very heartfelt and honest. i love it anyhow
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