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Posted: April 14, 2018, 10:51 PM
Damn lynn...made me sad..but you write good. Thinking of you and hope it's a better day. I have no clue to know what it's like that you been through, but know both you and Jill are in my heart. I've said before I can hear your strength even if you don't feel it...
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: May 27, 2018, 9:46 AM
Hey MK . . . what's shaking??? How are you? What's happening? -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posted: June 8, 2018, 7:27 PM
Lynn, you aren't a downer at all! It's totally natural with the Facebook thing. I hear people all the time say they get sick of it for..Well not similar, but sort of. The envious bit. And why wouldn't you feel that? I'm glad your surrounding yourself with other mom's. And sometimes just getting out of bed and dressed is an accomplishment itself. ❤
I been alright. I've been obsessesed with psychology for several months now. Been a good and bad thing. But reading up has given me more self insight. I just started seeing a therapist. I like him. And he has a sense of humor..a plus. We'll see. As of now I have four norcos in my pocket. Haven't had any opiates in posession in years. Long story but they are supposed to be GONE. If they aren't soon maybe I'll just throw em away. :/ cause everyone only has so much self control...ugh. Anyway I didn't listen to song yet...I'll get to it later. Sending you hugs... | ||
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Posted: July 27, 2018, 1:59 PM
Hey lady..just thinking about you. Hope you are alright 🌻🌸
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: August 6, 2018, 7:28 AM
Hey MK!!! How are you? How are things going? -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posted: August 12, 2018, 1:32 AM
Hey Lynn..was so happy to hear from you the other day..I put off responding for a minute cause got super emotional reading. Then had some s*** go on and got distracted..but didn't forget! Yeah you got that right about how family can be crazy!! It's good you are able to help. | ||
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Posted: August 12, 2018, 1:38 AM
P.s. when I said theories, that was wrong choice of words...as I don't have any. I guess I meant coming up with different scenarios. Not sure why I felt the need to clarify that. (overthinking!) also I guess this site isn't a fan of the heart emoji.. I'll try a flower and pretend a heart ;) 🌸
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: August 12, 2018, 3:28 PM
Doesnt matter how long you go...its' always with you...and you find yourself waking up ...walking down a street...In the middle of anything. ..and it comes screaming back....Most times...You can shake it...Sometimes. ..You can't. ...Never gets easier...Never goes away...monkey always wants to play... | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: August 21, 2018, 6:57 AM
MK . . . would love to hear your scenarios. Just need to know the realm of possibilities. Can't have this conversation with hubby. Hubby hates this boy and believes that Mr. Wonderful played a role in J's death both directly and indirectly.
Hey Con!!! Good to "see" you here. In my head . . . not real talkative. Bracing for the angelversary. But was smart enough to plan a vacation . . . one from our bucket list . . . during the same time. Guess that was smart . . .having something positive and happy to look forward to at a dark time. Song?? Nothing is coming to mind right now. Hmmmmm . . . . Lynn xoxo -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: September 2, 2018, 2:01 PM
We survived the 2nd angelversary. Didn't commit any homicides. And didn't try to commit suicide. So I think on a 1-10 scale, I get a 10. Smile.
Trying to make sense of this "new" life. Because I had so many questions, bc her bf has cut me off, and just bc . . . I contacted a medium. Long story made short . . . the medium (let's call her Susie) said that the bf is feeling super super guilty and responsible for what happened that night to my J. The bf got the carfentanyl & coke and was told that the stuff was strong, but he did not know how "strong." The person who sold or gave it to him, tho, knew. Susie also said that the bf warned J not to take too much bc of its strength and the fact that they had been in remission for a minute. Susie said the bf has been using crack as a way to escape his feelings. Susie said that my J knows that she had every reason to be here and should have worked harder on sobriety. Susie also said that J is embarrassed as to what happened. And J is working on some things now. Hmmm . . . . this sounds like it could have happened. It sounds like a likely scenario of the events of 8.29.2016. But it still doesn't explain why he didn't use, too. I can't believe that a fellow opioid addict would let his gf indulge by herself and just watch. That does NOT sound plausible. Basically, this is like telling me that my ice cream loving hubby (If there was ice cream anonymous he would be an officer) and I go to an off-the-hook ice cream store; he encourages, lets or tells me to eat this rich, cream-made ice cream; but, he says, "I pass." This sounds suspect to me. I'd still love to hear any of ya'lls thoughts. I know the bf is hurting. Hurting badly. I know that he feels responsible in some shape, form or fashion. One side of me wants to reach out to the bf and say, "I forgive you." (Guess I'm still a believer that with enough love you can do anything or heal anyone. Silly me.) I don't want J's death to fuel his use. But I have no way of reaching out to him. J's friends pre-FL treatment thought he was "sketchy" and haven't kept in contact with him. I don't know their FL treatment friends. Then . . . there is the other side of me. And it is thinking, "Are you ^$%)'ing crazy??? How can you EVER forgive him?" This side is grateful that I cannot contact him. As for me . . . I'm still relying upon all of my bad habits. Thought I'd quit smoking cigs over the vacay. Ha Ha. WTH. Individually and/or collectively, my bad behavior is either a reward for navigating through & surviving a day, or a way of escape, or a way of self-soothing. What is it that Lolle always says??? The substances may be different but the way we see ourselves and the way we cope with the world is the same. I feel very uncomfortable in my skin. I've always felt that way. I'm just more comfy with admitting it. Here's my song . . . I'm hoping that it is not a repeat. But it does describe my current mood. Sending hugs to all . . . Danni & Liz Lynn xoxo This post has been edited by hurtingmom on September 2, 2018, 2:15 PM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: September 3, 2018, 9:05 AM
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Posted: December 1, 2018, 1:34 AM
I feel horrible Lynn.. I didn't realize it's been three months that I didn't respond to your last message. I suck:/
I just wanted to drop in and say hi.. I hope your doing ok. Also hi Con.. And Marilyn Manson? Smh..lol. I'll say it's payback with whatever I injured your with in past 😂 hope your good | ||
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Posted: December 1, 2018, 1:35 AM
The missing word would be *ears* I think quicker than I type
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: January 10, 2019, 7:55 AM
Hey MK!! No Worries re the delay. I've been in a mood since beginning of November. Didn't even notice that it's been a minute. Best way to describe my mood is: I was holding my breath . . . waiting for January 2nd to get here. You'd think that on this 3rd holiday season without J Merry, Happy & Joy would be regular parts of my life. . . . or at least my vocabulary. Well . . . I can say I've made progress. Or I fake it better. LOL. This year I was able to say, "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year" and not look like Scrooge or burst into tears. Progress. LOL
How are you doing? How were your holidays? What's new? Don't skimp on the scoops. Here's a song that I've grown to like (well . . . the clean version). We are living the best lives we can. And we need to stop wiling out. And . . . SMILE!!! Livin'My Best Life Sending hugs!!! Lynn -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: March 27, 2019, 4:07 PM
Still making it....One day at a time
https://youtu.be/S5mcMvDjfd8 Con | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: April 14, 2019, 5:44 PM
Still on an emotional roller coaster. Was waiting to check-in until I got off. Guess there is no getting off. And, Lord knows, there is no managing it. Have to admit, tho, I slept the most peacefully and felt the most relaxed & at ease in almost 3.5 years this week. I know it is because the doctors gave me fentanyl and propofol for a medical procedure. (Thank God, I'm a chicken sh*t when it comes to buying anything (including bottled water) off the street.) These blissful moments in la-la land this week reminded me of how much I miss my pre-heroin addiction life. . . and how I will never return there no matter how I try. This is MY new normal. And, I hate it!
Emotional Roller Coaster Hugs, Lynn -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: September 29, 2019, 8:48 AM
I’m so ready for the hole in my soul to be healed. Bc all I seem to do is hurt me. I NEED to be rescued from me. I’m looking for ... searching for...that lifeline. That crazy glue.
Deliver Me Hugs from my broken soul to yours, Lynn This post has been edited by hurtingmom on September 29, 2019, 8:55 AM | ||
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