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Posted: August 6, 2018, 1:31 PM
I'm Ben, 28 from the UK.
Apologies in advance for this post being all over the place and maybe a difficult read.
After multiple visits to multiple different GP's discussing my mental state/issues, I've almost given up hope in the possibility of living the happy life that I know is still out there.
I would be extremely grateful for any help received on the psychological issues I'm still facing despite having quit all drugs for 2 years this August.
From the age of 18 to around 26 I smoked weed very heavily, all day, everyday. I was hopelessly addicted, would have soul my kidneys for weed. I lost a lot through my addiction; my job, career, girlfriends, friends, family, my sanity... so for obvious reasons i decided to quit.
For 2 years I have been unemployed in attempt to straighten out my head and feel normal again before restarting my career in IT. I live on my own. I eat very healthily and go to the gym most days.
Since quitting I experience the below problems, I will sound like a crazy person so bear with me but I have to be honest.
The world seems fake to me, objects and things around me seem unreal and really far away (I've had my eye sight tested), almost as if everything is one big painting to look at. Like I'm not actually here, I kind of feel like I'm sitting behind my eyes looking at myself go through life. I dont feel alive. . Objects seem dull and not sharp and real like they used to be. Nothing seems 3D anymore.
The only time everything feels real again is when I've gone for a strenuous run/jog, everything is perfect, everything seems real and there to touch. This lasts for about an hour or 2 after and then back to "normal" again.
Could this be that my levels of dopamine are too low?
I've researched so much about what the above issue could potentially be, whilst doing so I came across Anxiety induced Depersonalization/Derealization. Which could make sense as I am quite an anxious person.
2. I have absolutely no emotion at all, I am completely disconnected from the emotional side of my brain. I work purely on logic. I miss being able to get sad at things, get happy at others. Does that mean I'm a pyscho? Or does it mean that I'm an adult and this is what happens as we age? Having smoked weed from teenage years until 26 these sort of questions I cannot answer. The using of cannabis was to cover up emotional pain from a break up many years ago - maybe I'm incapable of emotion? Can you train yourself to feel again?
My family has a history of depression of which I am battling everyday. I don't get enjoyment from anything at all, literally nothing. I can't get enjoyment from simply pleasures like I used to be able to. I have read up about weed/drugs altering your brains reward system, could this be why? Is there a way to reset this with prescription drugs? e.g Anti psychotics? Maybe I'm already happy and don't realize it? Doubtful.
There seems to be this dullness/fuzziness in my head, tightness or pressure almost. Nothing seems to happen up there anymore. I don't seem to have my own little bubble where I can think clearly. I feel like my body is in control of my actions rather than my mind. When I'm at the gym or anywhere for that matter, I operate on a "someone is watching me" basis. Its hard to explain but I just don't have a bubble anymore where I can think rationally.
I've been forcing myself to practice mindfulness meditation which helps in the short term. I feel like my thinking is clearer after an hours meditation but quickly after I'm back to fuzziness again.
I absolutely obsess about my mental state and the way i do and maybe should function. I'm literally incapable of functioning outside of my head. 100% of my day I am in my head and I don't think that's right.
Also my physical coordination has been affected since smoking.
I haven't been working for a while so there is potential for I am obsessing unnecessarily due to having way to much time to think.
Number 1 and 2 are the most significant issues I need help with and I know this is a lot, but for anyone that has any sort of idea on what is going wrong in my head and can connect some dots, I would pay so much money to be corrected. This isn't life.
Thank you so much for reading!
This post has been edited by Koma01 on August 6, 2018, 2:20 PM
Posted: August 10, 2018, 11:15 AM
Is anybody out there?
Posted: August 13, 2018, 4:23 PM
Hello, I think you need to see a therapist or pyschicahttrist. This sounds like a mental illness. Personalize disorder or something like that. You said you have family history of depression. Do you think you were self medicating for your own depression.
Hope you get some relief.
Posted: August 14, 2018, 10:42 AM
It s about 10 months I'm free of weed and exactly feeling the same.
I have the same symptoms like you. You are not alone.
Posted: August 14, 2018, 10:49 AM
I think it's PAWS we are going through. Our brain have to heal and recover. It has to learn to work without Weed and this takes time. I am at a neurologist and he told me, it's getting better when I'm absolutely never smoke again. That's the key. Stay strong
Posted: October 11, 2018, 5:07 PM
hey bro my advice to you is as you said the only time you feel better with yourself is when you dash out for jogging its real good deal as of myself i always do twice a day then you also need to volunteer go out there play,pray with orphans and homeless peaple, these little things are natural healer of unhappy it gives you more room to regain to your natural condition, and take away worry, your recovery just took so long because of things you have been doing try this path you gonna be ok its the matter of time.
Posted: January 17, 2019, 12:53 PM
Hey Ben, (and any others who are dealing with these issues)
I hope you still check in and see this.
I want to say first and foremost that I thankfully don't deal with what sounds like horribly difficult symptoms. I do however understand the draw of weed to alter reality. When I am using it is usually to alter my reality so as to not have to deal with the mundane and depressing areas of life. I am attempting sobriety now again which is what led me to this board. I am already having urges but I'm finding posting here already helps me feel better.
As far as your feelings or lack thereof: I do not know if this will help and I pray it is not offensive but I need to ask to establish my point of view. Do you believe in GOD and are you willing to read The Bible? I'm not sure if that has been a part of your recovery and sobriety but I have found that constant prayer and a relationship with my unseen but always present Creator helps me with those feelings of numbness and grayness of everyday life. We live in a fallen world and no matter how much people try to ignore it, the affect on our daily life is real and present. I know for myself that what I have read in The Bible gives me hope that this life is a temporary existence that we should make the best of with the understanding that it is not meant to be easy.
We can find healthy pleasure and short term happiness (as evidenced by your runs) but they are that: short term. We can try to help others which is why I'm posting this with the hope that it helps even one person. I have a hard time believing that if you helped people that you wouldn't "feel" anything. From my experience helping the elderly and children provides the most rewarding feelings.
I don't want to ramble on too much but I hope that this helps anyone reading. I hope to make visiting this site a regular occurrence and I hope to be able to follow up with anyone who sees this.
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