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Posted: January 2, 2019, 9:49 AM
I've not been on here for a long long time - about 8 years I think. I was using back then and I got clean about 8 years ago and I've not been on since.
I've been reading some of those old posts from when I was using. Man they are painful to read. I was so full of s*** and so full of false pride/arrogance and anger and shame and it really comes out on the page. Used a lot of fancy words to try and beguile people because I felt so small inside. Was really big on playing the victim which eventually backfired when people got sick of my BS.
I'm in recovery now - make my meetings, steps, therapy, service etc. And life is pretty awesome. I just got one thing that I really struggle with. Back when I was using I had a kid with a woman who was not an addict. When I got really bad on the drugs she left me and took the kid with her. She also took legal steps to ensure that I could have nothing to do with my daughter. Which I completely understand. I was a train wreck and she did what was necessary to protect a young girl. I have no resentment towards her for that. I've been clean now for coming up to 8 years and I'm pretty stable now; job, relationship, friends etc. All the gifts of recovery. Except for this.
I think about my little girl every single day. Except she's a big girl now. I've not seen her for 8 years. I really want to have a relationship with my daughter but I'm really torn about it. For one thing we live in different countries now. I'm worried that if I suddenly turn up in her life it might really destabilize her. Am I being self centered and self serving for wanting to have her back in my life. I think I could be a really good dad and try and make up for the lost years. But I'm afraid. And ashamed of what I did. Using drugs around a baby. Just ashamed of myself.
I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if anyone can help me with this. I'm kinda resigned to living with this pain. I'm not really even sure why I'm posting this. Maybe just to get my feelings on a page. Maybe just throwing it out there and seeing what comes back. Anyway I hope everyone is doing ok out there in recovery. I love you all my brothers and sisters.
To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity for an hour
Posted: January 11, 2019, 3:22 PM
I think better now then later . Don't let any more time go by. The more time does go by then I'm guessing that's just more resentment towards you. Start fresh now, be honest about your past just not in soo much detail and be honest with your present and be honest with what you want for the future . What's the worst that could happen? Well I know what's the worst that could happen. But if she says no to having you in her life just know that, children are always gonna look for their parents. Especially their mother. I know your not her mom. But I bet she would look for you when shes 18. But don't let that happen , go look for her. At
Least she will always know you tried. Good luck and keep us posted.
IT ONLY GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER.!
Posted: January 12, 2019, 8:28 PM
Reshie maybe see a family law attorney to get their advice on how best to re enter your daughter's life. They may even write a letter on your behalf to help you. Congratulations on your sobriety!!!
Posted: January 12, 2019, 8:31 PM
Reshie my daughter is addicted to heroin. I would like to know how you became sober and turned your life around if you don't mind sharing your story?
Posted: January 25, 2019, 9:53 PM
Start a savings account for her - it will be needed when she is ready for college. Children are resilient when they are young. you are right that you don't want to disrupt her life at this time. have a letter sent to her mom and respect the mom's wishes if she does not want you in your daughter's life at this time.
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