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Posted: October 19, 2022, 7:55 AM
Ola šŖ
ššš
As usual Iām up itās 2:28in the morning and Iām drinking coffee. Almost done with my first cup. So Iām alert and peppy this fine morning. Well yesterday they called me concerning a specialist for my tongue. My appt isnāt until Feb 8th 2023 yes next year lol but they put me on a cancellation list. They offered me an appt yesterday with a 2 hour window to get there. Unfortunately Iāve been dealing with stomach aches and diarrhea so I didnāt want to be away from a bathroom. TMI sorry. Well Iām a bit bummed but my mom has come down with Covid and theyāve decided to head south next Friday. We wonāt be getting together to paint rocks and hopefully weāll see each other to shop once more. Sheās taking me clothes shopping for a couple shirts and Pajamas. Iām not a shopper at all and absolutely hate it. Iāve got a lot of clothes online that donāt fit. Returning them is a pain. So in person shopping it is. Clothes fit me weird and I need plain straight lines. No ruffles, poofs or loud colors either. I can shop anywhere and money isnāt a deterrent. Iām an X-Large gal and like comfortable clothes that look nice too. But believe it or not Walmart has been having excellent clothes for larger women. Iāve gotten a lot of clothes there. I also donāt think things should cost so much either. Iām not buying $120 leggings like everyone else. Oh hell no. So I like inexpensive comfortable clothing and if itās 100% cotton all the better. Winter or the fall šššš weather will be here Friday. My daughter bought me wool socks for my Birkenstocks so my feet stay toasty. I want to find some ankle slip on waterproof boots for when I feed the dogs. So Iāve been online for that because Iām hoping to find some I can go try on in our area. The time is going by so fast this morning. Almost 3:00am and itās time for another cup of āļø. Okay my cup is brewing. I have a single brew option along with my full pot coffee maker. Itās not a Kerig style and doesnāt use pods. Which in my opinion is such a waste of plastic for each cup of coffee. Oh and biodegradable plastic well lmao Iāll just say no. I really enjoy the news and watch or listen to it on the tv while on iPad. Currently thereās a horrible tragedy of four bicyclists getting shot and dismembered in Oklahoma. They were apparently committing a crime (maybe theft) at a salvage yard when the four friends were murdered. I bring this up because I believe itās whatās going on everywhere. When they showed the pictures of the men I commented to my SIL that they looked kinda rough for bicyclists. Thereās bicyclists and then thereās tweakers on bikes. The latter is what I suspected. Okay anyways they left around 8 or 9:00 pm at nightā¦.at night. Red flags right there. One of the problems our city is having is theft occurring at night by tweakers on bikes in cars on foot. I also believe heroin addicts do this too but use meth on top of it. Anyways my point is that everyone in that circle of friends that were murdered knew they were committing a crime. What they didnāt anticipate was that theyād be killed for doing or attempting it. But I believe because they were on drugs (I donāt know for a fact but I suspect it to be true) and to further their run they steal. This case is currently active and theyāve got a person of interest theyāre looking for. When I was using heroin which included using methadone periodically during the week to stretch my money I was involved with the low lifeās. Oh I didnāt commit crime I had a apartment fully paid for with utilities and cable with internet. I also would get a monthly allowance from my family. So I wasnāt committing crimes to use. But I hung around people who did do crime. I wasnāt with them nor did I know the particularās but they were bad people on drugs. No weapons displayed like guns but Iāve heard at the end of my heroin use dealers were bringing guns when you would score. Some of you live in areas where guns are common but they werenāt in our city years ago back then. I could go on and on about theft but just know it goes hand in hand with heroin and meth use. When I say meth itās always speed. I never used that term when talking about methadone. So Iāve come a long ways and donāt have anyone in my life like that now. Being complicit is just as bad as being the one stealing. Iām giving you a glimpse of my life using because Iāve overcome so many obstacles. Iām proud of myself Iāve worked hard. My jaw bone under my two front teeth on the bottom is very sore. I worry about the mouth cancer that I suspect I have is getting worse. Iāve done everything I can and will be seeing a specialist but still itās a concern. Whatās bizarre is that I never felt like a real drug addict when I was using. I never thought it was that bad. My teeth are a reflection of my lifestyle back then. It all catches up eventually. Rots from within before you see it on the outside. I want to say that although I didnāt regularly go to the dentist I did go to the dentist. I had extensive work done that saved my teeth. Many root canals and crowns. So itās not like I didnāt have dental care. But opiates for me I believe weāre extra hard on my teeth. Methadone rots your teeth too on the inside. When you take methadone for years it wears on your teeth. Iām almost finished with my second cup of coffee which is actually really equivalent to four cups. Should I go for a 3rd ? I think Iāll wait. Donāt want coffee gut at 3:33. Well Iām making another cup. Iām up I think for the day actually. Well last night I made cashew chicken. It was delicious a little sweet but really good. Anyway Iāve decided to start cooking Asian food from scratch. Iām really interested in vegetables and spices. Itās new exciting and thereās a purpose to it. Itās food to eat. I struggle with hobbies because for one Iām not artistic really. I know my strengths like with the rock painting a solid color with a letter on it. Looks good and I can put them in the garden or hide them for someone to find. But I donāt like painting rocks weekly. Anyway the Asian cooking opens up so many ideas for me. Itās also a bonding moment for my mom and I. Sheās like Martha Stewart. Sheās got blonde hair styled adorably very chic, everything she makes is beautiful, tastes great and is put in nice dishes. My mother loves kitchen gadgets and cookbooks. Sheās not a casserole, canned soup, prepared food kinda person. Everything is made from scratch, healthy ingredients, many vegetables and not a lot of sauces. Sheās a foodie so the recipes she makes are current. We also love meat and our family or rather my SIL is partial to beef or elk. Venison too but I donāt care for it. Anyways back to my new Asian cooking. Last nights dinner used almost a half cup of minced garlic and it tasted so good and not too garlicky. I would of never thought to have used that much. Itās 4:00 am made a cup of coffee lol and got the coffee pot ready to brew for when my daughter gets up. Sheās got to be out of the house around 6:30 am which is early for her. Normally she takes the girls to school then heads out. Newsflash on my murder case Iām following. Theyāve arrested the suspect for the 4 murders and dismemberments in Florida. Theyāre going to extradite him back to Oklahoma. Now get this heās on a suspended sentence for assault and battery over a 2012 incident where 6 intruders broke into his scrapyard. He shot and injured one of the intruders. So heās done something similar before. Iām not much of a true crime person but I am sometimes. What a dumb statement lol Like I said earlier I believe this is drug related. Perhaps the bicyclists were using drugs and supporting a habit. Not realizing that dying by overdose isnāt the only way to lose your life when doing drugs. I mean omg they all, all 4 of them were shot and dismembered then thrown in the water. All the body parts all mixed up together. Omg This really has made an impression on me. Our city is being overrun with thieves in the night. They steal cars, break windows in cars, steal car parts, take mail, steal packages roam around neighborhoods at night rifling through your belongings on your property. They steal everything and chop up bike parts. Oh the things they steal. Things are bad and drug use is skyrocketing. I canāt imagine how bad being dope sick on fentanyl is. The crimes one commits to not get sick. So itās an epidemic. Thatās why Iām so on board with medically assisted methadone. Methadone to get of off opiates. It takes in my opinion a couple years if not more for your brain to heal from opiates. Thatās a long time so usually you dabble in using here and there or pop a pill š or donāt ever reach that state of healing. But if you go on methadone it helps with the years needed for healing. Which in turn means more success. I think clinics and drug treatment centers including rehab need to explain the whole process including tapering off of it. Although one can always go cold turkey I think thereās more returning to using when attempting that. They need to be there through the whole thing. Itās important to know what youāre getting yourself into. Iām not an advocate for Suboxone at all. I feel thereās not an adequate way to successfully taper off of it without a lot of sickness and depression. It upset me when I read posts of how they think getting off Suboxone isnāt very hard. They mention using clonadine and thatās basically it and otc pain meds. Aspirin. Clonadine and aspirin is a hard taper. You feel like crap with zero energy, lifting your finger hurts kinda thing. Itās a brutal withdrawal. The experts tell you the withdrawals arenāt that bad. Well they lie. Methadone is by far way easier to withdrawal from and the depression isnāt as bad. Itās almost 5:00am. I appreciate that people are reading my posts. At least thereās comfort knowing someone is out there maybe Iāve helped. This sight has helped me. I go through spirts but currently Iāve had a lot to talk about. Iām suffering from opiate use from years and years ago. So itās bringing things up for me. Especially the teeth thing. Well my health definitely my OHS and my heart now are from drugs. Iām getting kinda spacey from too much coffee I think. šµāš« Have a great day and Happy Halloween šš» | ||
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Posted: November 25, 2022, 9:36 AM
Good morning š¦
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. A day of mourning for our Native American community. Itās amazing to me how much we donāt know about what actually happened. When I went to school they taught us lies about it. Even now people donāt know what thanksgiving really is. I stand with our Native Americans. Well a lot has been going on lately with me. First off my cat Bella hasnāt come home for three days. Sheās been my baby for around 10 years. Sheās been an important part of my life. Oh no the tears are coming. š„¹š¢š Anyway she took a nap with me went outside and never returned. She has a small area she hangs around. We live in a nice neighborhood and everyone knows where Bella lives. This morning my daughter was up getting ready to go Black Friday shopping. I was looking out the window hoping to see Bella out there. Well my daughter said mom sheās not coming back. Iām holding out hope it hasnāt been that long. My heart is broken. Well on Monday I had 2 more teeth pulled on the bottom. Iām very sad that this is happening with my mouth. Iāve had dental care and have spent thousands of dollars on my teeth. If this can happen to me it can happen to anyone. A lot of my medication causes my mouth to be dry and thatās not healthy. It causes problems with your gums and teeth. I have another extraction for a tooth on top. I have a partial replacing my front teeth and other random ones. I think theyāre pulling an anchor tooth which makes my partial unusable. Which means Iāll also not have any front teeth. I mentioned in another post how this is hard to deal with. A lot of depression. A lot of self reflection years after I got off methadone. I feel like Iām looked at as a tweaker. It bothers me not having teeth. Iām of course getting a partial or dentures but this is taking time. I have over 6 months worth of waiting to complete my smile. So my cat is missing and Iāve had 2 teeth pulled. On top of this Wednesday I finally after two years of waiting got a new doctor at the hospital. They have a clinic right next to the hospital. Which is awesome. Everything I need is in one spot. The doctor I had was gaslighting me. She didnāt like me and I didnāt actually realize what was going on until much later. Anyway my new doctor got me hooked up with my cardiologist and an anti coagulation clinic. I need to be on blood thinners for life because of my mechanical mitral valve. The appointment went well and Iām happy and feel listened too and respected. Well I looked at my first post and I started in 2016 this journey of getting off of methadone. So 6 years I think. I donāt count my days but around thanksgiving time I know another year has passed. Very surprised no one has been on my post in a long time. Wishing everyone peace during these troubling times. Also a bit troubled with people claiming to be well adjusted and healthy. Then not being around anymore..I donāt believe theyāre healthy in the head. Lol Kind of like wishing you well and then never posting again after years of posting. I have to wonder if these people are Christian identifiers. Some of the most bizarre and screwed up people are Christians. I bring this up because so many people go to NA and AA or celebrate recovery.. All claiming love and love for my fellow man and yet they donāt really unless you believe in their Jesus. Now mind you Iāve studied the Bible for decades and Iāve went to church, AA, NA, celebrate recovery and itās Christianity. If you donāt identify as a Christian or if you question things youāre shunned and ignored. Hence whatās happening in my post. For some odd reason all the Christianās who claim Jesus is the way have quit posting. Hmmmm weird and wow. So Iām thinking why would anyone behave in this manner when claiming to be Christian? Doesnāt make sense. This isnāt suppose to be a rant on religion. Iām just observing this because thereās so much religion forced upon you when you go to meetings. You canāt pray away your addiction. You actually have to stop. Well enough on that subject. The world and the way people treat each other has always troubled me. From a young age I believe I started using drugs to cope with just not understanding people. I donāt think the same way as most. At a young age Iāve always stood by the underdogs. I donāt understand peoples need to have so many personal possessions. I could go on and on about things I just donāt understand. Like helping the homeless and what is up with tough love? I wouldnāt call it love at all. When you love someone you donāt treat them in this way. Itās like a group of people got together and decided to do this s***ty thing and then call it tough love. Itās got to go. Simple truth move on people. Quit hiding behind the guises of this is love. Pure and simple these people arenāt getting the results they want so then they decide theyāre gonna force someone into a rock bottom situation. Iāll quit but again wow. Who are these people doing this? I donāt support meetings where you pat yourself on the back because youāre doing tough love on someone. Very very odd. Iāve noticed theyāre really pushing Suboxone and rarely mentioning methadone. I didnāt like Suboxone at all. It had a depressive effect on me. I got very depressed and lethargic on it. Methadone felt more like I was normal.. Not so much depression. I wish methadone could be dispersed in pill form and virtual meetings with the doctor. Iām very grateful I went on methadone. It got me off of opiates. Iām not an argumentative person but I do ask questions and then I guess it pisses people off lol. I guess itās darkest before the dawn. Have a good rest of November. Iāll keep everyone posted on Bella. Also if you say gee Iāve been so busy I havenāt had time to post on medhelp. I say really? Iām here and Iām a human being reaching out. Yet no one in the whole wide world has anything to say? It makes me sad and shows me how insignificant I am. No one cares enough to post any words of encouragement or just Iām out here and wish you well. Nope silence. So when people say gee I didnāt know someone was depressed I wouldāve reached out Iām stunned. Iāve been pouring out my soul and speaking about depression and no one has said anything. Just silence.. Iām putting everyone on blast. Everyone in the world Iām sad and depressed. Iāve quit methadone and am suffering the repercussions of it years later. This is what a journey looks like for me. My journey after quitting. So help me out if youāve got suggestions. Please donāt try and convert me into a religion. Iām not trying to change anyones beliefs. But Iāll ask questions and then the absurdity starts to show in the Bible teachings and it goes down hill from there. Iām a scientific fact based person. Iām a researcher by nature. So I donāt just try to cause division Iām actually a very curious person and like to learn. ššš¦šāļø | ||
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