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Fear Of Violence-what Is Your Planning?

Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017

Posted: July 17, 2018, 10:26 PM
So, I know a lot of us have had to deal with the threat of violence. My situation has been better in that regard over the last few months. However, things are declining again in that regard.

In the past, we have been controlled by this to some extent, even though we tried not to be. I basically, carried Mace at all times, even in the house. I don't think it will get that bad again. However, I was curious what others do to feel safe?

I refuse to live in fear or be manipulated any more. So, just looking for other practical ideas. Or, maybe just some support. : )

Thanks for any input.

Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016

Posted: July 18, 2018, 10:17 AM
We had the same problem. We felt we could no longer let our son in our house. We couldn’t always judge his moods at the door and things always escalated once he was inside. He tried to kick our door down once when we wouldn’t let him in. We also became afraid to be in the car alone with him. I avoided that as much as possible. Only met him in public places most times but even there he would make a scarey scene. Even being menacing to passers-by that might be looking at his craziness. Don’t hesitate to call police if you need to. Our son would keep us away from the phone and hold us hostage if we were alone inside the house. There were definitely times when I was very scared of what he might do to property or to us and our pets that don’t like him even a little. I didn’t feel safe until we put some distance between us. Even now worry he will show up at our door one day.

This post has been edited by BugginMe on July 18, 2018, 10:19 AM


Posts: 115
Joined: August 29, 2015

Posted: July 18, 2018, 10:47 AM
You don't he living with you or outside the house?

Here's a few ideas...

1. Change all locks that he might have a key to.
2. Put on those little locks that fasten to windows that prevent them from opening any further than you want.
3. Always remember that one of the most effective weapons that a woman has against an attacker is NOT a gun or's her scream! That attracts attention every time!
4. If he comes to the door talk to him thru the door and not a cracked open door
5. Do you have guns/money/jewlery/car keys in the house where he might know where they are? If so, move them somewhere else.
6. If they want to just talk...step outside and lock the door behind you to do so.

Hope these help.

Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018

Posted: July 18, 2018, 12:18 PM
I have started to reply to this several times.Each time I delete what I write.
I don't have any practical advice..I always put physical space between my daughter and me. I try to avoid her when she is wild. The most dangerous place is to be in the car with her. Unfortunately sometimes that is hard to avoid.
Likely my kid is small built and slow. I can still out run her. It gives the neighbors some entertainment

Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016

Posted: July 18, 2018, 5:35 PM
Rich has some good advice. I agree talk through a closed door. If he insists you talk face to face, make him back away from the door when you walk outside so he can’t force his way inside while the door is open. Get someone inside to lock the door behind you so he can’t grab your keys. They can watch through the peep hole or window and listen to the conversation to see how things go. They can be ready to call the police if things escalate and you feel you need more help. If you have things inside your house that need to locked up, do not trust a locked door or cabinet to be enough security. Mine took a locked door completely apart while we were at work.


Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: July 18, 2018, 9:15 PM
I only had to deal w violence once. a combination of sleep meds and whatever else, and waking him and insisting he get up. I was only one home and left the house. I regret not bringing my dog. I scooped her up and put her in the crate before I left. she was ok, but scared.

my thoughts: you have younger children. hard to just leave. you would have to get them out with you. you may want to share your fear with your husband and other children so they know if you say we must leave, they will do so.

2nd, call the police if you can not leave.

3rd, you son has been to treatment. ask your husband to sit with you to explain to your son that if there is any violence, he will have to go to treatment hospital asap. when he is feeling better he can come back home, or find sober living situation.

Posts: 368
Joined: November 16, 2017

Posted: July 18, 2018, 11:32 PM
Thank you, all. The advice is great advice. Just as helpful is knowing I am not alone. I also refuse to be in the car with him-it is so unnerving.

Here is my sad story. blah. ha.

So, my son was maintaining. He got a job, working lots of hours, and was respectful. We knew he was smoking a lot of pot, and still had a drug problem with pot (which he refused to admit or discuss). However, we were hoping to get him through a couple of months to save for an apartment, or meet some people at work to share an apartment. He was saving money-I was concerned that he was making so much money and would not put it in the bank. But, other than that, we thought we were on a trajectory for him to move out in a month or so, on good terms.

I guess we were hoping that maybe he will just be a pothead his whole life, working low pay jobs and just shacking up in low rent apartments. Which, of course, is not ideal...but that is the point we were at-thinking that situation would be better than where he was.

So...sigh..I have no idea what is going on, but he is slipping back rapidly these last 2 weeks. I strongly suspect that whatever drugs were making him crazy, he is taking again. Old behaviors are returning, and most important for us, at this point-he is being an a$$ again. Starting to call off work all the time...

So, really there is no more transition time here... We have talked to him, and he is refusing to leave. Denies everything and says he has nowhere to go. Denies any drug problem, says he won't go anywhere like treatment or mental health place. We explained that he is now an adult, and we cannot help him any more. (We have had several meetings on the rules to stay in the house for a short time after graduation-too many!) Starting to threaten and call names again. We talked to a lawyer, and basically, we have to 'evict' him. God! I cannot believe I have to evict my son. We gave him a note in writing.

So....this is not going to be pretty. I am not as frightened as I was a year ago, but I hate the old feeling returning of not being safe in my own house. I bought new mace. I did talk to the kids and tell them NOT to get involved in anything. We had a problem with the kids trying to help, which is just not safe. So, I told them to never get involved in any way. So far, it is not as bad as it was, which I am VERY grateful for. We have made a pact to call the police and press charges if needed.

Of course, I love this kid. And, it really stings thinking of him just 6 months ago, out of treatment. I had him back. And, it is overwhelming if I think of the, I am trying really hard to not think at all. Stay busy. Stay strong. Do what I know I have to do.

I bought a stupid ping pong table, because he wanted to play ping-pong out of treatment. I loved those games and we would talk and talk. This morning, I had a complete breakdown when I went into the garage and saw the ping pong table. I swear it felt like I was going to die of grief. The agony. I just don't understand addiction. What an evil situation.

Thanks for listening. I am feeling much better at the moment. I keep forcing myself to move on. I have no choice. I am trying to block all thoughts of him as a child or in treatment. Live in the moment. Wishing everyone some peace tonight.

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: July 19, 2018, 10:53 PM
walkedon - had to LOL at "I can still out run her" Enjoy your vacation, try not to think about it. Good idea to call social worker, you need to put as much as you can in other's hands.

Parenting - sounds like a good plan. You are doing everything right. This is not because of your lack of doing. Your not alone. much of your thoughts are similar to mine. Very Greatful my son found treatment and wanted it. money worries me. he works odd jobs now because of classes and meetings (and does not know what he wants to do) idk how to approach financial discussions once he has full time job. he NEVER has been good with saving and never wants to talk about it.

overall he is doing ok. I can tell meetings are getting old. one day I worry, next day I feel ok. one day i'm crying in the bathroom at work and wondering why. one day he is out a little late, next days home early. my rose colored glasses see tiny improvements each week. I fear this will all fall apart. he is not associating with anyone from past - that we can tell of. wonder if we expect too much too soon. considering 5 years of dysfunctional living - we cant expect him to magically be as functional as us. It took us 30 years to master 'life'. I wonder what the next year will bring. hope we don't need to have the "go to hospital" talk. even though I know there is high chance of relapse. almost would be surprised if there isn't relapse. he seems determined. but does not talk about it. Hope he finds his way and some day we can retire to the beach in peace. Setting sights on retirement and working towards that helps me, in between thoughts of OMG how much of this do we have to navigate.!

New Thought - Thinking in terms of - our loved ones need a place to recuperate. Stories of hospitals for tuberculosis patients... that's what we need. A place for them to go, be treated until they are cured! maybe in the mountains instead of the city streets... guess we have them but they cost $30k per month - it really does not have to be that way.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 21, 2018, 12:17 AM
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