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Partner Relapse

Posts: 2
Joined: March 23, 2021

Posted: March 23, 2021, 7:33 PM
Hello, I'm new here and looking for support. I just found out yesterday that my fiance relapsed on meth earlier this month and had been using for the past few weeks IN OUR HOME. He hadn't done hard drugs since years before we met, and we've been together almost 8 years. He also lied to me to get cash for it once, and continued to lie and hide it, he was having seriously sleep issues (not sleeping), he was distant and irritable, then had a big angry outburst Sunday in which he yelled, grabbed a hatchet and tried to climb on the roof to get this bird that was making noise, then I got him to stop and when he tried to apologize I guess I didn't react the right way so he screamed at me, slammed or bedroom door and punched 2 holes in it. He's never been like that with me before, it was terrifying. The following day (yesterday) is when he told me (in the middle of my work day) that he had been using. He called his therapist yesterday and told her and she's going to get him into addiction treatment, I'm somewhat relieved and knowing that it was the drug causing his wire behavior and not just him (I thought it wss an intense manic episode), but I don't know how to handle the lying. I feel like I can't trust him. I never used to feel like this.

I want to help him, and I've been helping him or entire relationship. I work full time and pay all the bills, he hasn't been able to work in over a year due to mental health issues and he's trying to get a diagnosis to hopefully get disability but who knows if or when that'll happen. I take care of 98% of housework, I put his appointments in my phone and remind him to take his meds. If I ask him to do anything, like unload the dishwasher, it usually takes 3 days of me asking for him to do it. I'm exhausted. And I love him. And he has nowhere else to go if I did decide to kick him out. I set expectations for him though and he knows this possibly ruined our relationship... He is apparently committed to working on his issues for real though, he even cancelled his upcoming D&D games for the foreseeable future so he can focus on healing.

Any support would be appreciated, I've never dealt with addiction like this in a relationship or this sort of violent outbursts....

Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: March 23, 2021, 9:18 PM
I'm so sorry you are here but this is a great board to get support & get honest opinions & suggestions. No one will ever judge you or belittle you here.

1. I'm going to be brutally honest - you are NOT helping him, you are enabling him. He does not have to do or think anything to help himself.
2. He has to get back into recovery & work on himself before anything will fall into place.
3. You have no reason to trust a liar so don't beat yourself up over that
4. HE caused this mess and it is part of loving an addict but you do NOT have to put up with it. He is violent, threatening & you are now in fear for your personal safety. NO ONE should live like that.

I suggest Narcotics Anon.or therapy for yourself, professional help. We can only talk about our personal experiences. One saying that helped me was "YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS, YOU CAN NOT CONTROL THIS & YOU CANNOT CURE THIS". Several members here have had to sever ties with their loved one because you can't control an addict. Sometimes that separation is absolutely necessary for your own safety & sanity. Sometimes is a few weeks, months or years. It isn't easy but it sets a ground rule for you to keep your sanity & to be safe. Addicts will lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, blame and lie some more.

Right now you must help yourself first. He has to prove to you that he is serious & he has to win your trust back. My son has been clean for over a year now & is doing well however I still do not completely trust him, I don't think I ever will.

Hang in there, work on your self first & tell him this is on him. You support his goal to get clean & move on with his life but whether he does or not is 100% on him

Posts: 2
Joined: March 23, 2021

Posted: March 25, 2021, 11:45 AM
Thank you for your support, it's good to have somewhere I can vent a bit.. I'm happy to say he's already acting on the promises he's made, he had a sort of breakthrough therapy session and finally is addressing his past traumas, and he's putting his appointments in HIS phone calendar instead of asking me to put them in mine (this is big to me, I've been asking him to do this forever!), and he has intake for outpatient drug treatment tomorrow. It's kind of a relief knowing the Sunday outburst was drug related and not just him on his own, although I know HE did the stuff but I had been under the impression that was how he was just totally sober (he'd stopped drinking and smoking weed recently). I'm feeling a bit more okay but I'm also trying to stay aware so I don't let my guard down too much, I've never dealt with active addiction like this in a relationship. I've personally been to all kinds of treatment for mental illness and alcohol abuse, I've got a bunch of girl friends who are in recovery from everything you can imagine, but never had a partner in this situation.

Posts: 37
Joined: February 17, 2021

Posted: March 26, 2021, 11:39 PM
Its really good you are reaching out for support. Addiction takes a toll on everyone and it's very difficult to be in a relationship with a person with an addiction. Its exhausting. My daughter has a heroin addiction and even though we don't live together, she mentally drains me at times. Its also heartbreaking because we love and care about them so much we hate what addiction does to their life.

I hope your fiance continues to get the help he needs. In the meantime, focus on you and take really good care of yourself. Its very easy to lose ourselves. Don't let that happen work hard to keep your life going. I wish you all the best and know we understand what you are experiencing.
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